DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently started budgeting after realizing how much money slips through my fingers each month, especially on little treats like coffee runs, lunches out and takeout. When I added it all up, I was shocked at how much I’ve been spending without even realizing it. I know I need to be smarter with my money so I can save for my future goals, like building an emergency fund, paying off debt and eventually buying a home. The problem is that every time I try to cut back, I feel deprived. I don’t want to live a life where I never treat myself, and honestly, those small indulgences bring me joy in the moment. Still, I can’t shake the guilt that comes after spending on things I don’t technically need. How do I strike a healthy balance between being financially responsible and still enjoying the present without feeling like I’m constantly punishing myself? I want to develop better habits that last in the long term, but I’m afraid of slipping back into old spending patterns. Sometimes I wonder if I’m just not disciplined enough to manage my money the way I should. -- Strategic Planning

DEAR STRATEGIC PLANNING: Look at your monthly income and expenses. Figure out how much it’s possible to save if you allow yourself one indulgence per month. Then turn your cost-savings approach into something pleasurable for yourself. You can use a cute coffee carafe to transport your home-brewed coffee to work, making it feel like a treat. Pack a lunch that you prepare the night before. Prepare something you enjoy eating, so you aren’t depriving yourself even though it comes from home. Continue thinking like this: What can you do to celebrate yourself AND save money?

DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently discovered that my girlfriend has been going through my phone when I’m not around. At first, I thought maybe I was imagining it, but then I noticed that some of my messages had been opened before I saw them. When I confronted her, she admitted to it and explained that she struggles with trust issues because of past relationships where she was cheated on. She insists it has nothing to do with me personally, but I can’t help feeling hurt and violated. I’ve never given her a reason to doubt me, and I feel like trust should be the foundation of any relationship. At the same time, I understand that past experiences can leave scars, and part of me wants to be patient and supportive while she works through her insecurities. Still, I worry that if this continues, it will create resentment and damage the relationship beyond repair. Is this something we can realistically work through with honest communication, or is it a dealbreaker that shows we’re not on the same page about trust and boundaries? -- Boundaries

DEAR BOUNDARIES: Tell your girlfriend you understand her history with trust and want to empathize with her. At the same time, you need to establish boundaries. You do not appreciate her sifting through your phone, searching for “gotchas.” Suggest that she talk to you and ask questions when she is feeling vulnerable. You two need to establish a rhythm of being in a relationship. Snooping and not trusting you will not help to strengthen your bond.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My best friend has a habit of oversharing personal drama on social media, and it’s starting to make me feel uncomfortable and embarrassed. Often, I’m tagged in posts or mentioned in stories that reveal private conversations or situations that I never intended to be public.

I laughed it off at first, thinking it was harmless, but it’s become a regular occurrence, and I’m starting to dread logging on to my accounts. I value our friendship and don’t want to hurt my friend’s feelings or make her feel self-conscious, but I also feel like my privacy is being violated. I’ve tried subtly hinting that some things should stay private, but nothing seems to change. I’m torn between speaking up directly, which might make things awkward, and staying silent, which makes me feel disrespected. How can I set boundaries with my friend about what’s appropriate to share online while still protecting our friendship? -- Oversharing

DEAR OVERSHARING: The only way to nip this in the bud is to be direct. People have different social media thresholds. Clearly, you and your friend do not align in that regard. Speak to your friend and tell her that you love her and appreciate being able to be vulnerable with her, but you now see that she is not keeping your confidences private. Provide specific examples of when she violated your privacy by sharing something personal on social media. Tell her that this is not OK. From now on, tell her if she wants to share something about you, she has to check in with you first. She may get mad. That’s fine. She must learn these boundaries, or she will start seeing less of you.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a long-time friend, “Marty,” who recently became friendly with my husband. Last year, he was visiting us when my husband spoke rudely to me. When I invited Marty to spend a weekend with us this year, he told me no. While he respects our friendship, he was so upset about how my husband treated me that he doesn’t want to be in his space anymore. It is true that my husband was wildly disrespectful that day. When I talked to him about it, he shrugged it off, so there never was any resolution. Should I bring this up to my husband? Maybe trying to talk about it again could help us address our issues. I worry, though, that it will just make him mad at Marty for daring to say anything about it. -- Do I Say Something?

DEAR DO I SAY SOMETHING?: It sounds like you and your husband need some counseling to get to the heart of your issues. Sometimes it does take an outsider’s perspective to help people realize they are in crisis. Bringing up Marty’s reaction to a squabble you had a year ago may not be the best strategy with your husband. Instead, make a list of grievances that you have. What is going on in your relationship that needs to be addressed? Be honest with yourself, then drum up the courage to address these topics with your husband. Ask him to work with you and a professional so that you can heal and rebuild your life together.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year now, and for the most part, things have been going really well. He’s kind and supportive, and he makes me feel valued. There’s one thing that’s been bothering me more and more lately: how often he talks about his ex. He brings her up in casual conversation, shares stories from when they were together and still texts and hangs out with her occasionally. He insists they’re just really good friends and that there’s nothing romantic between them anymore.

I want to trust my boyfriend, and I don’t want to be the kind of person who tells someone who they can or can’t be friends with, but at the same time, I feel this constant unease. I don’t know if it’s a gut feeling or just my insecurities getting the best of me. I’ve mentioned it a few times, but he brushes it off and tells me I’m overthinking things. Is it unfair for me to feel uncomfortable? How do I tell the difference between a legitimate concern and my own insecurity? Is it possible to set boundaries here without sounding controlling or jealous? -- Competing With Ex

DEAR COMPETING WITH EX: Tell your boyfriend you would like to meet his ex-girlfriend. Explain that if he is set on having her be a part of his life, you need to know her, too. Be open-minded when you meet. Genuinely look to see what kind of person she is and what quality of relationship they have. You cannot control whether he keeps her in his life; you can evaluate what you see and decide if you can live with that fact.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have recently befriended a lovely group of women who are slightly older than me -- and exponentially wealthier. We met naturally and have struck up a lovely friendship, but the truth is they are way out of my league, financially. They are all talking about taking a trip together this winter and have invited me to come along. I can’t imagine that I can afford it, but I want to try. I was told that once we get to the destination, there are few additional expenses. Do I tell anyone there that I can’t hang the way they do? I’m worried I will be getting in too deep and won’t be able to afford to be their friend. -- Off-Balance

DEAR OFF-BALANCE: Who is your closest confidant in the group? Let that person know that you appreciate being included and want to be able to go on the trip with them, but you do have limited resources. Ask what the expectation would be for expenses during the trip. This may feel awkward, but it’s way better to learn now than to be away and unable to participate or contribute fully. If this is a group with whom you are supposed to be friends, there will be enough awareness of your circumstances that they will be inclusive. You will quickly learn how much you can or cannot do with them.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)