DEAR HARRIETTE: My sister and I have always been close, but lately, things have become tense between us, and it's all because of our kids. Her son and my daughter go to the same school and are in the same grade. Recently, they’ve been having a lot of problems getting along. There’s been name-calling, rumors and a couple of arguments that even the teachers had to step in to settle. Instead of us being able to talk it out calmly as parents, it’s turned into a blame game. She thinks my daughter is being dramatic and oversensitive, and I feel like her son is being mean and instigating a lot of the conflict. Every time we try to discuss it, we end up getting defensive and hurt. I hate that this is driving a wedge between us, but I also need to advocate for my child. How can we put our relationship first while still handling the situation with our kids in a healthy and productive way? -- Big Rift

DEAR BIG RIFT: Now is the time to put your children first. You need to figure out the reason for the conflict between them. Talk to the teacher and school counselor to gain any insight. Did something happen to trigger this behavior? If there is any way that they can be put into different classes, ask for that. Separation may help them. Get counseling for your child -- a professional who may be able to talk to your daughter about what’s going on and get to the bottom of it.

Tell your sister that you love her and don’t want to fight. Recommend that rather than the two of you blaming anyone for anything, you work together to discover what is causing all of this tension between your children.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I got married recently, and while the day was beautiful overall, I can’t stop thinking about something that really upset me: My cousin showed up late to the ceremony.

We had already started walking down the aisle when my cousin came rushing in, wearing a flashy, attention-grabbing dress, heels clicking loudly on the floor, making a big scene trying to find a seat. Heads turned. The moment that was supposed to be focused on my husband and me was completely disrupted. To make matters worse, she didn’t seem the least bit apologetic. At the reception, she acted like nothing had happened and even made jokes about how everyone noticed her entrance. I’ve tried to let it go, but I keep replaying the moment and feeling like it was selfish and disrespectful. My family says not to make a big deal out of it, but I’m still hurt. Am I overreacting? Should I say something to her, or just move on? -- Bad Manners

DEAR BAD MANNERS: My guess is that your cousin is single and jealous of you and your marriage. You can’t do anything to change that. Pivot instead and focus on your new life. Recognize the gift of love and connection you have with your spouse, and allow that to fill any of the tender spaces, including her disrespect.

If the two of you are together and her behavior comes up naturally or you feel the urge to say something to her privately, do so with love. Let her know she hurt your feelings by disrupting your wedding. Make sure she understands what she should have done in that situation so that she doesn't disrupt any future ceremonies.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: Over the past year, I’ve gained a significant amount of weight, and it’s been difficult for me emotionally and mentally. I’ve become extremely self-conscious about how I look -- to the point where I sometimes avoid social situations altogether. I feel like I’m constantly comparing myself to the person I used to be, and I don’t recognize my reflection anymore.

Recently, I ran into a friend I hadn’t seen since before the weight gain. At first, they didn’t even recognize me. They laughed it off once they realized who I was, but it stung more than I expected. It confirmed the fear I’ve been carrying around: that people see me as different, or worse, less than, because of how my body has changed. I know I’m still me, but it feels like I’m being viewed through a completely different lens now. I don’t want to feel ashamed of myself, but I don’t know how to rebuild my confidence or how to stop letting my body define how I show up in the world. -- Overweight and Ashamed

DEAR OVERWEIGHT AND ASHAMED: Own your reality and how you feel about it. Look yourself in the mirror and profess love for you as you are. This may seem silly or difficult, but it will help you tend to your own needs if you are being kind to yourself.

Identify an accountability partner who will cheer you on and support you on your journey to better health. Go to the doctor. Get a full medical workup to find out if you have health conditions to address. Engage a nutritionist to help you design healthy meals. Commit to putting your health first and to do something good for yourself every day. Be proud of small victories. When others see you, greet them warmly. Don’t shy away from them.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My sister and I are compared constantly. From our clothing to our academic and professional careers -- people even compare our faces. I think we each compete with the other quietly, and quite frankly, it has made me feel resentful. It makes me skeptical of any compliments she gives me, and it makes me secretive. I hate telling her about new goals, plans, ideas or interests I have. I am always met with somber, slightly envious replies like, “Geez, I want to be more like you.” I am never celebrated or honored for what I am doing. It always turns into her talking about herself. How can I get my sister’s support without her self-centered perspective? -- Sister-Sister

DEAR SISTER-SISTER: It’s possible that you two are in similar situations. Her comment suggests that she feels inferior to you and that she feels like she doesn’t measure up. Your comments suggest that you think she has an ulterior motive for complimenting you.

Call a truce. Talk to your sister openly. Tell her how uncomfortable you feel when other people compare the two of you. Add that it bothers you when it seems she doesn’t listen to what you say. Ask her to agree to carve out time when you both share openly with each other AND listen carefully to what the other is saying. Promise to resist falling into the trap of comparisons. Celebrate yourselves for who you are and what is unique about each of you.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My oldest daughter is preparing to head to college in the fall. She has worked so hard over the years -- as a student and as a sister. Her father and I spent a lot of our time working, and she picked up the slack with her two younger siblings. She never complained and always made us proud with her grades and her kind heart. She’s earned a scholarship from her dream school, which covers tuition but not room and board. Although she hasn’t said so, I know she’s been looking forward to being on her own for a change. I want to help make this happen, but even with her scholarship, travel and year-round lodging are expensive. My husband and I are considering taking out a second mortgage on our home, but we wonder if this is worth going further into debt for, especially when we still have two other children who will also be going to college eventually. Would a local or more affordable school be so bad? I don’t want to disappoint my daughter, but I feel torn. -- Indebted Mom

DEAR INDEBTED MOM: Talk to your daughter. Encourage her to consider a state school, which is likely much more affordable, if only for the reduced travel. Look into whether you can afford to help her get an apartment if she stays at home so that she can have some independence.

If she is set on this other school, consider student loans. Yes, they have to be repaid, but they do make it possible for students to matriculate and pay for their education over time. She should also look for more scholarships from other businesses and organizations; there are lots out there if you search!

DEAR HARRIETTE: I read your column in my local newspaper every day, and normally I agree with the advice you offer. However, your response to "Wife's Guilt" sent me into orbit. This woman has a husband with dementia, and now she wants to date. Are you kidding me? What part of "until death do us part" does she not understand? Your advice to talk to a counselor and join a support group was smart, but you really let her off the hook for being such a selfish witch. She'd better hope for more caring people in her own life if she finds herself in a similar situation someday. -- Unbelievable

DEAR UNBELIEVABLE: Thank you for sharing your opinion with such candor. I totally get your perspective. Personally, I agree with you. An acquaintance of mine was the caregiver for his wife with Alzheimer’s, and he had a lover who helped care for her; he was public about his decision to move on. I was uncomfortable with his choice, especially making it everyone else’s business.

That said, I did a lot of research before answering the person who wrote in. What I learned was how harrowing and lonely life can be for the caregiver of a spouse with dementia. Their world often narrows tremendously, too often leading to mental and physical illness. I am not encouraging the idea of having a lover, but I do have tremendous compassion for the caregiver who is going through this situation.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)