DEAR HARRIETTE: Over the past year, I’ve gained a significant amount of weight, and it’s been difficult for me emotionally and mentally. I’ve become extremely self-conscious about how I look -- to the point where I sometimes avoid social situations altogether. I feel like I’m constantly comparing myself to the person I used to be, and I don’t recognize my reflection anymore.

Recently, I ran into a friend I hadn’t seen since before the weight gain. At first, they didn’t even recognize me. They laughed it off once they realized who I was, but it stung more than I expected. It confirmed the fear I’ve been carrying around: that people see me as different, or worse, less than, because of how my body has changed. I know I’m still me, but it feels like I’m being viewed through a completely different lens now. I don’t want to feel ashamed of myself, but I don’t know how to rebuild my confidence or how to stop letting my body define how I show up in the world. -- Overweight and Ashamed

DEAR OVERWEIGHT AND ASHAMED: Own your reality and how you feel about it. Look yourself in the mirror and profess love for you as you are. This may seem silly or difficult, but it will help you tend to your own needs if you are being kind to yourself.

Identify an accountability partner who will cheer you on and support you on your journey to better health. Go to the doctor. Get a full medical workup to find out if you have health conditions to address. Engage a nutritionist to help you design healthy meals. Commit to putting your health first and to do something good for yourself every day. Be proud of small victories. When others see you, greet them warmly. Don’t shy away from them.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My sister and I are compared constantly. From our clothing to our academic and professional careers -- people even compare our faces. I think we each compete with the other quietly, and quite frankly, it has made me feel resentful. It makes me skeptical of any compliments she gives me, and it makes me secretive. I hate telling her about new goals, plans, ideas or interests I have. I am always met with somber, slightly envious replies like, “Geez, I want to be more like you.” I am never celebrated or honored for what I am doing. It always turns into her talking about herself. How can I get my sister’s support without her self-centered perspective? -- Sister-Sister

DEAR SISTER-SISTER: It’s possible that you two are in similar situations. Her comment suggests that she feels inferior to you and that she feels like she doesn’t measure up. Your comments suggest that you think she has an ulterior motive for complimenting you.

Call a truce. Talk to your sister openly. Tell her how uncomfortable you feel when other people compare the two of you. Add that it bothers you when it seems she doesn’t listen to what you say. Ask her to agree to carve out time when you both share openly with each other AND listen carefully to what the other is saying. Promise to resist falling into the trap of comparisons. Celebrate yourselves for who you are and what is unique about each of you.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My oldest daughter is preparing to head to college in the fall. She has worked so hard over the years -- as a student and as a sister. Her father and I spent a lot of our time working, and she picked up the slack with her two younger siblings. She never complained and always made us proud with her grades and her kind heart. She’s earned a scholarship from her dream school, which covers tuition but not room and board. Although she hasn’t said so, I know she’s been looking forward to being on her own for a change. I want to help make this happen, but even with her scholarship, travel and year-round lodging are expensive. My husband and I are considering taking out a second mortgage on our home, but we wonder if this is worth going further into debt for, especially when we still have two other children who will also be going to college eventually. Would a local or more affordable school be so bad? I don’t want to disappoint my daughter, but I feel torn. -- Indebted Mom

DEAR INDEBTED MOM: Talk to your daughter. Encourage her to consider a state school, which is likely much more affordable, if only for the reduced travel. Look into whether you can afford to help her get an apartment if she stays at home so that she can have some independence.

If she is set on this other school, consider student loans. Yes, they have to be repaid, but they do make it possible for students to matriculate and pay for their education over time. She should also look for more scholarships from other businesses and organizations; there are lots out there if you search!

DEAR HARRIETTE: I read your column in my local newspaper every day, and normally I agree with the advice you offer. However, your response to "Wife's Guilt" sent me into orbit. This woman has a husband with dementia, and now she wants to date. Are you kidding me? What part of "until death do us part" does she not understand? Your advice to talk to a counselor and join a support group was smart, but you really let her off the hook for being such a selfish witch. She'd better hope for more caring people in her own life if she finds herself in a similar situation someday. -- Unbelievable

DEAR UNBELIEVABLE: Thank you for sharing your opinion with such candor. I totally get your perspective. Personally, I agree with you. An acquaintance of mine was the caregiver for his wife with Alzheimer’s, and he had a lover who helped care for her; he was public about his decision to move on. I was uncomfortable with his choice, especially making it everyone else’s business.

That said, I did a lot of research before answering the person who wrote in. What I learned was how harrowing and lonely life can be for the caregiver of a spouse with dementia. Their world often narrows tremendously, too often leading to mental and physical illness. I am not encouraging the idea of having a lover, but I do have tremendous compassion for the caregiver who is going through this situation.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have the opportunity to take a job where my friend will be my boss. I’ve never worked in an environment with someone I was friends with prior to working with them, and I don’t often make a habit of becoming close friends with co-workers. I’m a bit wary.

This friend of mine is someone I have known since middle school. Our dynamic now is not consistent, but when we do see each other -- usually two or three times a year -- it’s like we haven’t missed a beat. I wonder if the fact that we don’t spend much time together will be a good thing if we end up working together. She has a trustworthy and easygoing way about her. I just wonder what I don't know about my friend yet that could impact our relationship if she becomes my manager? Am I thinking too far ahead? -- Friend in Charge

DEAR FRIEND IN CHARGE: Talk to your friend about her expectations and her work style. Ask her to tell you how she manages the team and what she wants from you. Tell her you intend to do a great job, and you want to have a clear understanding of what that would look like for her. Don’t plant any seeds of negativity or doubt. Just listen and learn. If you do end up being her subordinate, do your best to remember your roles and resist asking for favors or different treatment than she offers others.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I called my cousin “Joe” to wish him a happy birthday. Joe and I were born in the same year and grew up like siblings. Now that we live in different states, we don’t talk as often, but when we do, we like to catch up. So when I called on his birthday, I was excited to hear what’s new with him. I happened to ask how his wife was doing, and after telling me she’s doing well, he asked me why I have been talking to her about leaving him. I was so confused. I barely talk to his wife -- not for any particular reason, just because we don’t really know each other that well. I explained to Joe that I don’t call her, and he insisted that “he knows” I do and that she’s been telling him what I say. I told him she’s probably trying to upset him, but he doesn’t believe me. What kind of wedge is she trying to drive between Joe and me? -- Lying Wife

DEAR LYING WIFE: Reiterate that you have not spoken to your cousin’s wife at all. If you want to help him get to the bottom of this, ask him to invite you over to his house when his wife will be there. The three of you can talk about it openly.

The bigger issue, though, is their relationship. He needs to address that. What is going on and why is his wife introducing the idea of a separation through a third party -- you? Joe needs to address his life head-on, not be distracted by what his wife said you said. Tell him that.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)