DEAR HARRIETTE: Throughout my entire pregnancy, my mom treated me badly. I was 18 when I found out I was pregnant, and she was not happy. Not only was I not married, but I wasn’t in a particularly stable relationship either. She held a grudge, probably out of shame or embarrassment. She barely spoke to me, and when she did, she was not kind.

Eventually, I decided to stop letting shame rule me, and that’s when things got more combative between us. We’d argue because I didn’t want to hear her shrewd comments all day. So I moved out. My daughter is now 5 months old; my mom constantly calls and offers to help, but I still have a lot of resentment for how she treated me during the pregnancy. Should I forgive her and move forward for the sake of my daughter? -- Grandma’s Grudge

DEAR GRANDMA’S GRUDGE: You are probably right. It took your mother a bit to get real about your situation. It can be hard for a mother to witness what could be a big challenge for her daughter. That said, it sounds like she is making the effort to come around. That’s a good thing.

You should forgive her, as forgiveness frees you from pain. You should talk to her; let her know that she hurt you during that incredibly vulnerable time in your life and that you need to know that she will make the effort to be kind and respectful if she gets involved in your life now. Ask her to promise you that. Then welcome her into your family.

DEAR HARRIETTE: A few weeks ago, one of my closest friends came to me asking if I thought she should break up with her boyfriend of two years. Their relationship had been rocky for a long time -- she’d vented to me about the constant arguments, feeling unappreciated and how stuck she felt. She seemed truly torn but also emotionally drained. After listening to everything, I told her that if she wasn’t happy and didn’t see a future with him, it might be time to let go. She ended up breaking up with her boyfriend, and now she’s mad at me. She says she misses him terribly and that I “pushed” her into ending it. I’ve tried to remind her that it was ultimately her decision and that I was just being supportive and honest based on what she had told me. She keeps making snide comments like, “Well, you got what you wanted,” as if I broke them up myself. I feel awful that she’s hurting, but also a little confused and hurt myself. I thought I was being a good friend. Was I wrong to give my opinion? -- In the Middle

DEAR IN THE MIDDLE: Apologize to your friend for getting involved in her relationship at all. Remind her that you answered a question that she asked you directly. Still, it is not your business, and you won’t make that mistake again. Rarely does it work for people to give input into their friends’ love lives. It’s best to keep your opinion to yourself -- unless you feel your friend is in real danger. Then it’s worth it to lose a friend to save a life.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My mom has always been emotionally distant, and now that I’m an adult, I’m realizing just how much that’s shaped our relationship. Growing up, she wasn’t unkind. She made sure we were fed, clothed and cared for, but she rarely showed affection or talked about feelings. If I ever brought up something emotional or difficult, she would shut down or change the subject. I learned quickly that vulnerability made her uncomfortable, so I stopped trying. Now, as an adult, I want a deeper relationship with her. I try to ask her about her life, her past and her emotions, but she either laughs it off or deflects my questions. It feels like there's a wall between us that I can’t climb over, and I’m left feeling rejected. My sisters and I have talked about this, and they feel it, too, but we don’t know how to approach her without pushing her away even more. How can I have a relationship with someone who avoids closeness? -- Close the Divide

DEAR CLOSE THE DIVIDE: You may have to accept the relationship that you do have with your mother. If she has always been guarded, you are not likely to be able to do anything to get her to change. You can ask her, of course, and tell her how much you long for emotional intimacy with her. Don’t count on getting it. Instead, build close relationships with your siblings and your friends.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My parents have long been divorced, but over time they became friends. All of their children are adults, which made it easier for them to get along -- they have less to bicker about now. My dad asked my mom for a favor a few months ago when he fell on hard times. He asked if he could stay with her until he found a more affordable housing option for himself. She didn’t like being his first option, so she asked if he’d be able to offer a small fee for the time he’d be with her. He wasn’t in a position to offer a fixed amount, but he agreed to contribute to a bill, groceries and housekeeping whenever he could.

Two months went by, and he didn’t do any of those things. Then he heard my mom needed to repaint her living room and kitchen, and he offered to do it for her. My mom agreed, thinking he was finally making good on his offer to contribute. Once he began painting, he gave my mother an invoice for his services. I am offended! She paid him and said she doesn’t want to be petty by putting him out. I don’t want to meddle, but I think I should say something to my dad. -- Unpaid Dues

DEAR UNPAID DUES: Your mother should not have paid him. Instead, she should have given him an itemized bill for what she thinks would be fair compensation for his contribution to the household while he was there, from which she might deduct his painting fee.

Yes, you should say something to your father, namely that he took advantage of your mother’s kindness. He should apologize and repay her when he has the funds.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR READERS: Many of you may know that I rarely use this space to make personal statements. I am writing today to tell you that my mother, Doris Irene Freeland Cole, has passed away at age 95. Many of you may have already experienced the loss of your mother, while plenty more continue to be blessed with a mother ready to share wisdom, love and advice.

My mother has joined the ancestors. While my sisters and I knew this day was near, nothing totally prepares you for it. In my broadcasts and speaking engagements, I often talk about the legacy that my mother has left me. As a former kindergarten teacher, Doris Cole delighted in awakening curiosity and clarity in others. She walked with grace and radiated joy. People often described her as a beam of light; they gravitated to her. I will never forget when she visited me on campus during my college days; young men flocked around us in order to follow her -- something they did not do for me when she wasn’t around!

Doris Cole taught me everything that I teach and share today: how to be thoughtful, how to honor others, how to communicate effectively and how to move through space with dignity and ease. She shared key information and examples illuminating how to achieve those ways of being on a need-to-know basis. She did not brag or demand attention, yet she was exquisitely beautiful and kind. She taught us that beauty is as beauty does.

I have a world of lessons swirling in my being right now that she poured into me. My sister Susan said recently that she taught us how to live with grace at the end of life just as she had exemplified it throughout our lives. My sister Stephanie, the hands-on caregiver in our family, says that Mama’s lessons and love flowed from her into everyone she encountered every single day. Among those lessons: Do not complain. Practice kindness. Recognize the goodness in yourself and others. Have faith. Keep good company. Stand up for what you believe. Be able to support yourself. Be beautiful from the inside out.

As I honor my mother, the daughter of a porter and a maid -- who lived to be 101 and who stopped working at 93 -- who ultimately became part of Baltimore’s Black elite, I acknowledge her legacy. She grew up during segregation. She lived through World War II, Jim Crow, the Civil Rights Movement and the election of a Black president. She married a man who would become the first Black state senator in Maryland and the first Black judge on the Maryland Court of Appeals, Harry Augustus Cole. Our family became Black Baltimore royalty. I say it that way because our city was racially divided. We were honored because our parents were honorable. That is the life I do my best to live -- to fulfill their legacy. Through all of the work that I do, my intention is to bring goodness, strength, clarity and inspiration to all whom I touch.

I take this moment to honor Doris Irene Freeland Cole and to invite you to remember those in your life who have passed on and to reconnect to those loved ones who are still here.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)