DEAR HARRIETTE: A while back, there was a benefit held for a person who has cancer. A generous sum was raised by friends and relatives who collected items from donors. The collected items were sold, as were baked goods and other foods, and there were raffles and other games.
My question is this: What is the etiquette surrounding the spouse of the party receiving the money? For example: The spouse in question posted pictures on Facebook of herself with friends drinking at bars, touring and drinking at wineries, etc. While the benefit was being planned, said spouse posted on Facebook that she and a friend were going to another state for a 5- or 6-day trip! The day before the benefit, said spouse went out to eat with out-of-town guests staying at their house. The spouse paid for all of her guests’ dinners. Really? This just seems wrong to me. What are your thoughts? -- Don’t Understand
DEAR DON’T UNDERSTAND: The optics don’t seem good, and I can see why the spouse’s actions rubbed you the wrong way. Step back for a moment, though, and consider that perhaps the spouse’s actions weren’t as awful as they seemed. When a benefit is held, money must be spent to make the event happen. Large donors are often courted for their contributions. You’ve probably heard the saying "You have to spend money to make money." It could be that the contributions some of those people made were more significant than the amount spent entertaining them. Indeed, this is often why galas are held. People get dressed up, spend lots of money on tickets and have a great time as they are wined and dined in exchange for opening their checkbooks.
That doesn’t change the fact that boasting about fun, expensive activities with people at the very time that you are trying to raise money for such a serious cause can seem insensitive. If you feel strongly enough about this, speak to the spouse. Check in to see how she is doing and how the person with cancer is doing. If it seems appropriate, mention that it troubled some people to see how much money they seemed to be spending on entertainment at the very time when others were sacrificing to raise money for the sick spouse. You can tell her that her self-indulgence wasn't a good look.