DEAR HARRIETTE: One of my closest friends recently tore me apart, citing the stark differences in our lifestyles and how we were raised. I come from an individualistic family where putting personal needs first is the norm, while she comes from a collectivist family where the emphasis is on the needs of the group. This contrast has created a significant rift in our relationship, with my friend accusing me of selfishness.
I value my independence and don't like being taken advantage of by family or friends, and unfortunately, that is what I see happening a lot within her family. How do I bridge this gap in understanding between us? Is there a way to help her see that my perspective is not rooted in selfishness, but rather in a desire for personal autonomy and fairness? I don't want to lose a friend over our differing backgrounds. -- Yin and Yang
DEAR YIN AND YANG: The challenge before you is one of acceptance. Can each of you look at the other and believe that you can accept your friend for who they are, including what fundamentally makes the two of you different? Friendships are like marriages in that in order for them to work, both parties have to be willing to compromise and allow the other the freedom to be who they are. Period.
Stop making assumptions about what you think your friend should do. Ask her to do the same. When you make requests, explain your reasoning and how her reaction might make you feel. Educate each other on your values and beliefs. Then watch to see if you can grow to respect each other’s differences.