DEAR HARRIETTE: Growing up, I was raised by my mother in a single-parent household after my father passed away when I was a baby. Now that I am older, I have a desire to find my father's side of the family. I am concerned that this may cause some issues or bring up past hurt for my mother. My mother never spoke much about my father's side of the family, which always left a void in my heart. I think it is important to tell my mom what I am doing, but I don't want this to cause any problems between us. Can you please help me with this situation? -- Finding Myself

DEAR FINDING MYSELF: You have every right to learn about your father’s family. Your mother may be uncomfortable about the idea at first, but it is OK to let her know your intentions. Thank your mother for all that she has done to care for you for your whole life. Point out how hard it may have been at times, especially since your father passed away so early in your life. Tell her that you are curious about him and his family, and you want her help in learning about them and finding them. Listen to her thoughts on the subject. Find out if she knows how to reach any of his people. Probe to learn their names and any other clues about them. Do your research to put the pieces together. Also, ask her why she didn’t maintain a relationship with them. There may be good reasons why she has kept her distance. Learn what you can, and proceed with caution.

DEAR HARRIETTE: As a perfectionist, I have always striven to do my best in school and in life. Now that I have entered the workforce, I am starting to realize that my perfectionist tendencies are causing undue stress at work. Despite this, it is difficult for me to let go of the need to be perfect, as it has been a part of my identity for so long. I am wondering how I can learn to be OK with not being perfect and still feel satisfied with the work I do at the end of each day. -- Perfectly Imperfect

DEAR PERFECTLY IMPERFECT: Your perfectionist tendencies have some merit in that they can help to push you to do your best and excel. What you must learn is when to shut down and rejuvenate. Consider making a daily to-do list that includes categories based on your responsibilities. Include a tab for personal needs. Write down specific things you can do to care for yourself that you can check off each day: drink water, take a walk, meditate, exercise, eat, see friends. Whatever is important to you, add those things to the list, and agree to be perfect at self-care along with everything else. Use your perfectionist tendencies to support you. It’s almost like tricking your mind into doing the right thing for you.

As far as work duties go, give yourself a deadline after which you will stop working on a project. You can go all out for a specific period of time, but then it must end.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I'm facing a significant and unexpected challenge in my marriage, and I could use some guidance. My husband and I have been happily married for over a year, and I believed our connection was strong. Recently, I decided to surprise him by securing a job on the East Coast, where he's located, as I missed being near him. However, when I broke the news to him, I was met with a response I didn't anticipate: He was not excited. In fact, he was upset and suggested that I stay where I am. This reaction has raised a massive red flag for me since I don’t know what this means for our marriage. I am excited about this new job because it’s going to be at an accredited university. However, I am alarmed by my husband’s reaction, and I don’t want to face what lies ahead. What should I do? -- Long-Distance Marriage

DEAR LONG-DISTANCE MARRIAGE: Did you and your husband talk about what your life will look like over time? You are in a long-distance marriage, but how long did you expect it to stay like that? Why do you live in different cities? Do you visit him where he lives? Could he possibly be living a double life? You should have a thousand questions, and you need to get them all answered.

It is also odd to surprise him with a move. That is a big deal and should be part of your conversation as a couple. Communication is key to having a successful marriage. You two need to be face to face and talk through everything. I think you should make an emergency trip to where he lives so you can get a gauge on his life there and find out what your future holds. Even if you don’t stay with him, you should take that job if you really want it.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I made a new friend at work, but after spending more time with her, I realized that she is very clingy and needy toward me. This is something I have never experienced before, and it's starting to become too much for me to handle. She confided in me that she had lost friends in the past, and most of them stopped talking to her without any explanation. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I need to establish some boundaries. How can I be honest with her without making her feel bad or causing any unnecessary conflict? -- Needy Friend

DEAR NEEDY FRIEND: Perhaps your gift to this woman should be honesty. Rather than walking away in silence, talk to her and tell her that you may know why others have done that: Her clinginess is overbearing. While you like her and have enjoyed her friendship, you already see that she needs more than you have to give. Tell her you need to take a break from her for now. Gently suggest that she consider therapy to help her work through her friendship challenges.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I've been engaged for almost two years now, but my fiance and I have different views about how we should celebrate our wedding. While he wants a grand celebration, I would prefer to have a simple ceremony at the courthouse and an intimate party later. My fiance is used to a lavish lifestyle, and although he's good at saving money, I grew up in a middle-class family and believe in careful planning and not wasting money. I feel that spending a lot of money on a wedding is wasteful and that the money would be better used toward buying a home. I'm not sure if I should compromise and give in to his wishes or try to convince him that saving money would be a better investment for our future. Please help! -- Conflicts of Love

DEAR CONFLICTS OF LOVE: Many people dream about their wedding celebration starting from childhood. Because the images are often deeply rooted, it can be hard to consider alternative ways of approaching the actual event when it comes. You and your fiance dream differently. This is just one of many things that you will have to talk through and negotiate in your marriage. Compromise is key. You want such different things for your big day, you will both need to concede something. Talk through your goals and dreams for your life together. Back into the wedding costs by talking about the big picture first. What type of house do you want? Create a timeline for when you would like to buy it. Decide on how much money you will save monthly toward that purchase. What types of vacations will you want to take, and how often? Discuss values and goals.

When it comes to the wedding, be willing to consider the middle ground, perhaps a small ceremony at a nice venue, not the courthouse. Perhaps a small reception could be your compromise, or a larger, more casual party in the summer. Talk it out and agree to create a shared vision for your launch into married life.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I'm a recent college graduate, and I'm feeling pretty lost about my future. In college, I was dead set on getting into corporate finance because, well, I wanted the financial security it promised. With the way inflation's going, I'm grateful for the income, but the truth is, I'm really not enjoying my job at the bank. I find myself dreading going into the office. I chose this path because I didn't want to end up in a low-paying field, but I've come to realize that money alone isn't making me happy. The work I'm doing feels empty and pointless, and I need some guidance on how to figure out what I really want to do and how to make it happen. It feels so daunting making a career switch. Will I have to go back to college? Will I have to take a pay cut? -- Time for Change

DEAR TIME FOR CHANGE: If it’s not the right fit, you shouldn’t stay. Do some research to determine what you want to do and what is required to do it. Find out if you know anyone in the field you’re thinking of who can help you get an audience with a potential employer. Save your money now in case you do have to take a pay cut soon. Create a timeline for making your move, and go for it.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)