DEAR HARRIETTE: I got together with my ex after being apart for nearly 30 years. We had two good years together, but then he went back to his old ways. He started lying and not following through on promises. It is so sad and disappointing, but I feel like I have given him every chance I could. I can’t trust him anymore. That’s why we broke up in the first place. He has been so hopeful, though, that I hate to let him down. I know he counts on me for being his rock, but I don’t feel safe being with him when I never know if he is going to show up when he says he will or be in a decent mood or simply be a human being. I bet he is what is known as a narcissist. He won’t see a therapist, so there is no diagnosis, but what I am experiencing is a man who thinks only of himself. That is not the kind of partner I want. How do I let him know that his second chance is over? -- No More Second Chances

DEAR NO MORE SECOND CHANCES: If you are done, say as much to him. There is no rule that says your job is to care for this man. If he has proven, twice now, that he does not know how to care for your heart, believe it. To paraphrase Maya Angelou, when somebody shows you who they are, believe them the first time. You need to accept what this man has shown you to be true about his behavior. Give yourself credit for trying one more time, but let him go. You don’t have to wish him bad thoughts. You simply have to understand that he is not your soulmate. And that’s OK.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My brother and his wife are expecting their first child together, and I am thrilled for them. However, I am growing increasingly concerned about my sister-in-law's lack of caution during her pregnancy. As someone who has had three children of my own, I feel confident in my knowledge of the do’s and don'ts of pregnancy. I am constantly seeing my sister-in-law do things that make me worry for the safety of her and her unborn child. There are specific foods that you are supposed to stay away from while pregnant, and I’ve seen her eat them on multiple occasions. I can only imagine what she’s doing in private. How do I approach her about this delicately? -- Careless

DEAR CARELESS: Now is not the time to mince words. Sit down with your sister-in-law and tell her you need to share some important information with her. Remind her of the obvious -- you have given birth to three children already -- and there are some things you have learned about pregnancy that you believe she should know. Make a list and share it with her. Point out the foods that are considered unsafe to eat, along with the impact eating them may have. Tell her about any other behavior of hers that worries you. Note that pregnancy is a short but critical time for the life and health of the baby. Encourage her to be more cautious.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I started playing games on my phone during the pandemic, and I realized today that I am totally hooked. That may seem childish, but more importantly, it is expensive. These games lure you in, and the next thing you know, you are spending money to buy more chances to do something. The dollars add up fast. The game is fun, but the bill at the end of the month is outrageous. I probably spent several thousand dollars this summer playing games. How can I wean myself off of this habit? I am not a teenager. I can’t even believe I have been this stupid. It’s nuts, but I love it. How can I stop? -- Addicted

DEAR ADDICTED: You have taken the first step by acknowledging that you have a problem. Now it’s time for your self-discipline to kick in.

Give yourself a reality check. How much money do you earn every month? Do you have a fixed income, or do your earnings vary from month to month? Figure out what your average income is and write it down. Next, make a list of all of your bills each month. Write it down, starting with fixed expenses. Then add incidentals, down to every little thing -- including gaming. When you look at it in black and white, it may become easier for you to recognize where your money is going.

If possible, delete the games that have costs attached to them. Give yourself boundaries around when you can use your phone. Store your phone in another room when you are sleeping. Get therapy if you need further support to stop your addiction. Just know that you can do it. You only have to make up your mind that the games will not run your life.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I never thought I was a micromanager as a mother, but now I’m not so sure. There are terms like “helicopter mom,” which I hate, but I see that I am way more involved in my son’s life than he would like. He is in college in another state, living on his own. He is making his own decisions, but I can’t help but check in on him to see what he’s doing. College is expensive, and I need to make sure he is doing the work. We cannot afford to have him go to college for longer than four years. How can I ensure that he will stay serious about his studies if I am not checking in on him? -- Striking a Balance

DEAR STRIKING A BALANCE: If you are certain that you cannot pay beyond four years for your son’s college education, tell him that -- and be firm. Add that you are no longer going to hover over him to make sure he stays the course. Now is the time for him to become responsible. If he does not complete his coursework on time, he will have to pay the consequences, including additional tuition if it comes to that. Make that clear to him, and then step back. He must learn how to be an adult. You cannot do it for him.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: For most of my life, I have not gotten along with my brother. He always had to be the macho guy and have the last word. I used to think that we would stop communicating entirely when our parents died. In the past year, though, things have changed a lot. When we talk, the conversations are pleasant. No longer am I the only one who calls; he calls me, too. It’s almost like he is another person. I am afraid to trust that the way he is behaving now is real, but he has been kind to me for almost a whole year. Should I believe that he has changed, or should I keep my guard up? I want to have a relationship with my brother, but I’m nervous that he could hurt my feelings again. He used to be really mean to me. -- Time To Forgive

DEAR TIME TO FORGIVE: It seems that your brother is making the effort to have a positive relationship with you. Why not take his behavior at face value and be present? You don’t have to let your guard down completely, but you can live in the moment and experience whatever happens. Who knows why he has decided to show up in your life? Enjoy it. Choose to engage him when he calls, and continue to call him. Holding on to grudges based on what happened in the past will not serve you or him. Deciding to engage with good intentions instead of judgment may continue to yield positive results.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My friend recently started a business, and I want to help her, but what she is doing does not interest me that much. She is so excited that she wants to talk about it constantly, for hours on end. I do not have the bandwidth to continue having these conversations for too much longer. How can I let my friend know that I want to be there for her without agreeing to do more than makes me comfortable? It is so hard. Her passion is palpable, but I am not interested in her idea, the products she is developing or anything else. I have my own life to live. I don’t want to shut her down or make her feel like her ideas aren’t important, but I really think she needs to join an organization that specializes in her area of interest so she can meet like-minded people. I cannot be everything for her, but she thinks that because I love her, I should have the capacity to do it all. How can I draw the line? -- Drawing the Line

DEAR DRAWING THE LINE: Tell your friend how much you love her and how proud of her you are for pursuing her dreams. State specific things that you believe are outstanding about her current pursuit, what you have observed and how you believe she is headed in a positive direction. Then plainly tell her that while you support her in theory, her interests are so different from yours that you cannot walk hand in hand with her on this journey. Suggest that she find like-minded people to discuss her ideas with. Encourage her to expand her circle of professional friends who can help her develop her business.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)