DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a friend who has always had low standards for the men in her life. She goes out of her way to do everything for them and is consistently disappointed in the end because they don't even show a fraction of the same care she gives them. It's incredibly discouraging, and I don't know how to help her. Do you have any advice on how to raise her standards and get her to stop doing so much for the wrong people? -- Raise Your Standards
DEAR RAISE YOUR STANDARDS: Your friend sounds like a prime candidate for counseling. If she has fallen into an unhealthy pattern of how she engages men in relationships that leaves her disappointed and unfulfilled, she needs help learning how to make better choices. You probably don’t have the tools to guide her to the other side.
What you can do is to listen to her compassionately. If she continues to tell you what’s happening in her life, you can gently point out to her when she is repeating behavior that hasn’t served her in the past. You can insert a new idea: Instead of doing this, why not try that? If you know of positive, healthy relationships in your friend group or beyond, point out on occasion what you appreciate about those other couples. When one of the partners does something thoughtful, encourage her to notice it and want that for herself. But unlearning unhealthy behavior patterns is best managed by a professional who works with someone toward that goal.