DEAR HARRIETTE: I noticed something peculiar about one of my old friends; she invites me to major celebrations such as milestone birthdays, bridal showers, weddings and baby showers, but never for any small get-togethers like a girls’ night out or dinner party. This has been bothering me lately. It’s the time of year when I evaluate my friendships, their significance in my life and whether I want to keep them. Going into the new year, I'm unsure what kind of friendship this is. I appreciate the invitation for special occasions, but I wonder why she doesn't include me in anything casual and low-key. Do I just accept that this is the type of relationship we have, or should I bring it up with her and try to get to the root of the issue? -- Superficial Friendship

DEAR SUPERFICIAL FRIENDSHIP: I want to start by asking what you invite your friend to attend. It sounds like this woman values you in that she includes you in her milestone events. Those are the times that matter most in her life. It seems to me that she has proven that she remembers you and thinks about you. Otherwise, you would receive intermittent invitations at best.

If you want to be included in more intimate gatherings with her, start by inviting her to an intimate gathering of your creation. If she attends, you can tell her that you love coming to her big celebrations and this year you would like to spend more time with her. Don’t ask her to invite you to anything. Keep inviting her, and perhaps she will return the favor.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I'm struggling to hold on to a friendship with someone whose mental illness has taken over her entire personality. I hardly recognize her anymore. I see small glimmers of the person she used to be now and then, but it's getting rarer each day. I don't know how to bring her back or support her in a way that would be useful. She claims to be on medication, but her family members have told me that she is not. She’s showing no real sign of improvement, and I’m devastated. It’s like I am grieving the loss of someone who is still alive. How do I remain friends with someone who is essentially a stranger now? How do I support her in her battle with a mental illness that I don’t fully understand? -- Losing My Friend

DEAR LOSING MY FRIEND: As I have researched this, the best advice I have gathered suggests that you continue to do your best to show your love to your friend as you also accept that she may never be the same. Stay in touch with her at a pace that you can manage. Continue to reach out to her family and talk to them about how things are going. You will likely need and appreciate each other’s support. Know that you do not have the expertise to provide mental health care for your friend. You have the capacity to love without judgment. You can call, send messages via text, send physical cards and gifts and remain present, but you must also take care of yourself.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR READERS: It is January 6th again, a day that felt like it was stolen from all of us. My eldest niece was born on that day years ago, so it used to be a moment for sweet celebration in my family, the beginning of the next generation. I remember when we first got word of the attack on the United States Capitol building two years ago and my niece was fuming for all the reasons, including that her birthday would never be hers again.

I do not typically use this space to address political issues. I am addressing this now, though, because it is more than that. It is a national issue, a small-D democratic issue (not related to the political party). We came so close to the dissolution of order, structure and truth on that fateful day that it is wise for us to pause for a moment and reflect on what we value. I always thought that the beauty of our experiment in democracy in this country is that we civilly agree to disagree. We follow the guidelines created for a peaceful transfer of power even when “our candidate” loses the election. America has served as the example of how to push past disagreements -- no matter how ferocious they are -- with honor and integrity. Our system has been heralded for the ways in which we work together, even when we don’t like each other.

All of that came tumbling down on Jan. 6 two years ago. We must remember so that we do not repeat this hateful action in the future. While our country is surely flawed, it has enough positive qualities for us to build on. Foundationally, we must respect each other and agree to disagree amicably, even if we have to get loud. We must be able to stand and shout and agitate toward change, but not to the peril of others, and surely not when the agitation is based on a lie. We have to be vigilant about discovering the truth and sharing it with one another, and determining how to move forward when frictions abound.

What’s key here for all of us to recognize is that each of us serves a role in this. Think about your own life. How do you handle conflicts? What do you do when decisions have been made that you don’t like -- at work, in your family, in your community? Do you ignore agreements that you don’t care for? Do you “go rogue” and do whatever you want? Do you agitate for change within the system? What do you do? I ask these questions with all sincerity. How you live your life and manage the challenges that you face has everything to do with how our country functions. Do you behave in a democratic way when dealing with conflict? How often do you negotiate with others? When do you put your stake in the ground and not budge? What happens when your behavior is unreasonable or erratic? What happens when others in your life do not follow the rules of engagement? Think about these things and about how you may want to behave moving forward that might be more equitable, more fair, more thoughtful, safer.

Let the memory of the horrors of two years ago wake you up to the potential for today. Be accountable for yourself and how you interact with others. Let your conscious behavior inform your steps and help to make this a better world.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: Tragically, one of my nephew’s best friends was recently murdered while he was on the job. Someone just came up to him and shot him for no reason. And he got away.

This young man had so much to look forward to. He was one of the good ones. He had his head on his shoulders right, and he was building a business. Now he’s gone, and the whole community is devastated. He has become a statistic, another young Black man who was senselessly murdered.

What can we do to help people remember him? It’s too horrible to just be sad for a minute and that’s it. His family and closest friends are in shock. I’m wondering if I can do anything to help. -- Keeping His Memory Alive

DEAR KEEPING HIS MEMORY ALIVE: I am so sorry to learn about this tragedy. Young lives cut short are too frequent, especially young Black men.

Do you know what his interests were? If he was involved in any civic organizations? If he belonged to a church or community center, perhaps a scholarship fund could be established there in his name. Or you could go the political route and talk to local organizations that are agitating against gun violence to see if they can help draw attention to his life in an ongoing manner. Mark the date of his death, and help to organize a memorial for next year when the time draws near.

Talk to your nephew to see what he thinks is appropriate. It’s important that whatever is done is in alignment with his family’s wishes and ability to handle. Some people do not want a lot of attention brought to them, especially when they are grieving. Pay attention to what they want, and align your steps accordingly.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My sister started a family group of about five of us who do word puzzles and share our scores. It turns out that this is a lot of fun. We stay connected without necessarily talking to each other. We make comments about our wins and losses and simply have fun. My only issue is that we haven’t included everybody. The group is cross-generational, but there are some key family members who don’t participate. I wonder now if that is by their choice or if they were inadvertently not invited. I’m not trying to make this game and engagement political or awkward, but the thought did cross my mind. Should I ask my sister? -- Include Everyone

DEAR INCLUDE EVERYONE: There’s absolutely nothing wrong with asking your sister if she has invited the other family members in question and, if not, why not. Rather than worrying or wondering about the group’s composition, just ask her. This could be an honest omission -- or there could be a reason. For example, many people do not like to play word puzzles. Some people may be so competitive that they could turn the experience into a less friendly engagement. Since your sister is the founder of the group, talk to her and follow her lead.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)