DEAR HARRIETTE: I asked my husband to go to therapy with me, and you would have thought I had told him the Earth is flat. He looked at me incredulously and shook his head. He used to go to therapy before we met -- for years! I thought of him as a progressive person, as someone who is proactive about taking care of himself, inside and out. But after we met (many years ago), he said that was that, and he didn’t need therapy anymore.
My husband and I have fought about all kinds of things over the years. Whenever I address how he talks to me -- which I think is often rude and dismissive -- he blows it off, saying I am too sensitive. If I push back, everything escalates, and it turns into a screaming match. So I usually just swallow it. But I’m tired of doing that. I want things to be better, and I can’t figure out how to deal with it alone. We need help. How can I get him to go to counseling? -- Need Help
DEAR NEED HELP: Remind your husband of how he used to address challenges that he faced, including the fact that he chose to go to therapy years ago and said it benefited him. Then recommend that the two of you go to therapy now. Explain that you believe your relationship needs some help to get back on course. Point out that the tone he often uses when talking to you makes you uncomfortable. Give him specific examples of conversations when you felt he was being mean or dismissive. Describe the moment vividly and distinctly, but without emotion -- if at all possible. Report the facts as you know them and how it made you feel. Also, tell him that when you push back, he digs in further, which makes you more uncomfortable.
Appeal to your husband’s better nature. Tell him you think that professional counseling can help the two of you get to the bottom of whatever is bothering you on a core level so that you can deal with it.
Hopefully he will agree. Either way, you should go. Therapy will help you develop tools to deal with your challenges.