DEAR HARRIETTE: I decided to limit the amount of contact that my family is allowed to have with me. Now that I am older, I realize how truly toxic they are. I want to be cordial with them, and I want them to know how much I love them, but cutting off their access to me means protecting my peace. I feel slightly guilty about this, but it’s been months since I’ve spoken to them, and I haven’t had even the slightest bit of drama in my life ever since. Am I doing the right thing? -- Family Ties
DEAR FAMILY TIES: Your experiment has shown you that staying connected to your family is not healthy for you, at least not right now. Trust that. You don’t have to write them off completely. But you also do not have to be entangled in their daily lives or whatever drama plagues you when you are in regular contact.
Evaluate what you have been doing with yourself during the time that you have been disconnected from them. How have you spent your time, and with whom? What has your state of mind been each day? To what can you attribute that state of mind? Continue this evaluation for a couple of weeks so that you can assess how you are living.
Next, decide with what frequency you will engage your family at all. For instance, will you call them once a quarter? Will you send them a card? Will you visit? Whatever you decide, observe how that interaction goes. It could be that once you decide you are going to control how much and how you interact with them, you will be able to hold on to your power more solidly and not get rocked when you do contact them. Continue to evaluate what works and how you feel as you establish a rhythm of some kind with them.