DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband often buys new items for the household (appliances that will benefit everyone in the house) but presents them as gifts to me. He doesn’t understand that buying a new washer and dryer is not a gift for me if we will both benefit from the appliance. How do I get him to understand why this isn’t acceptable? -- Bad Gifts

DEAR BAD GIFTS: Your husband’s gesture is not unusual, nor is your reaction to it. When a household needs appliances in order to function, they often become a gift because they can be pricey and take extra effort and money to procure. Yet, an appliance is not the same thing as a personal gift for you.

Be gentle as you attempt to make this point. Thank your husband for buying the appliance that the family needs. Point out that you appreciate him making this purchase for the home, but that it is not the same as getting something special just for you. Tell him you would appreciate something that is not tied to housework or the overall functioning of the home when he gives you a gift. You wish he would do something more personal for you.

Give him ideas. For me, it could be as simple as a bouquet of flowers, an invitation for dinner at a local restaurant, tickets to a performance by an artist I love, tickets to a film I am interested in, a scarf in my favorite color or a bottle of perfume.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I had a terrible falling-out with my previous boss. She treated me horribly, and we parted on a bad note. I was respectful and loyal to her for the entire time I worked with her, but we don’t speak anymore.

She is the only boss I've ever had. Is it wise for me to keep her as a reference on my resume? I don’t have any other reference to use. -- Need Reference

DEAR NEED REFERENCE: I always say that endings are more important than beginnings because the reverberations of endings last a long time. Ideally, you want to close out relationships so that both parties feel good about each other when they walk away.

If you need this woman’s reference, it sounds like you need to mend that relationship somehow. You need to find it in your heart to forgive her for her bad behavior and to recognize what happened at the breaking point. Then reach out to her. Ask to see her in person. If possible, gauge how she is doing and what is happening in her business. Tell her you are sorry that things ended the way they did. Remind her that she was your first boss, and therefore, she will always hold a special place in your life. Then be direct and ask her if she will write you a letter of recommendation, as you are looking for a new job and would appreciate her support.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR READERS: Happy Veterans Day! To all of you who have served in the United States military, we thank you for your service to our country. Most Americans have someone in their family who has served in the military. For many, it is a badge of honor to do so. Now is the time to focus on family members and loved ones who have served and pause to acknowledge them.

I was recently reminded of the deep sentiment that can come from serving in this way. My family and I spent the two summers of COVID-19 living in the back house of friends who reside in a historically African American beach community in the Hamptons in New York. There’s tremendous legacy there, including our host, Mr. Bill Pickens, known as the unofficial mayor of Sag Harbor Hills. Uncle Bill, as all fondly call him, served in the military. Indeed, he spent time in Japan, long enough to become fluent in the language and later help to create a foundation to support American-Japanese relations. Uncle Bill proudly put on his fatigue-green military jumpsuit one Sunday afternoon and regaled us with stories of time gone by. He was a proud member of the U.S. military and of his community. He savored each moment. We lost Uncle Bill Sept. 27, on his 85th birthday.

I remember him now as we recall all of our veterans. It is a sacrifice to serve in this way, to put yourself in harm’s way to protect our country. It also can be incredibly rewarding. Through this service, you learn what honor means. You learn how to put your country first. You learn how to embrace the ideals upon which this country was founded.

At Uncle Bill’s funeral, which was attended by hundreds of people who all took care to wear masks and stay safe, taps was performed. It took me back to my own father’s funeral some 20 years ago. My dad served in the Army during World War II, when he was a lieutenant. At interment, we heard taps and a 21-gun salute, all part of the pageantry of a veteran’s funeral and a powerful way of sending off a soul.

On Veteran’s Day 2021, we celebrate all the brave Americans who have offered their lives in service -- both those who are among us and those who have passed. We give thanks for your commitment to our country. While imperfect, the United States holds the ideal that we all deserve to be protected and free. As we contemplate what freedom looks like today, let us think of those who have fought for it and offer our gratitude. Let’s also pay attention to the veterans who are in need. The trauma that some veterans experience while in service can be harrowing. We must not forget them after they come home. For more information on how to support veterans who are in need, go to mentalhealth.va.gov.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My mother recently told me that the reason she has always given me so much responsibility in the house is because she does not trust my brother. She said that I am the only one she can rely on. She told me that my reliability makes her life much easier, and if it weren’t for me, she’d feel completely alone in running the house. Do you think that this is enough reason for me to continue to pick up after my brother? I am, at the moment, living under my mother’s roof as an adult -- as is he -- so I want to make her life as easy as I can. -- Helping Out

DEAR HELPING OUT: It is unfortunate that you find yourself in a situation where your brother is not pulling his weight. However, your mother has made it clear to you that she needs your help. Since you need to live in her home for now, you should help her in whatever ways you can. That does not mean that you become your brother’s maid. You can continue to ask him to pick up after himself. You can speak to your mother about requiring him to clean his personal space -- primarily wherever he sleeps. Perhaps you can deposit his belongings in his room without being responsible for tidying them all. Do your best not to develop hostility toward your brother, as that will disrupt the peace in the house. When you cannot bear it anymore, that’s the time to start looking for a new place to live.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend is upset with me for not wanting to spend the holidays at his house with his family. I made plans to visit my own grandparents this year (my first time seeing them since the pandemic), but he doesn’t think it’s fair that he spent time with my immediate family while I haven’t spent any time with his family. I do plan on meeting them soon, but not during Christmas or Thanksgiving. Am I being unreasonable? -- Family Time

DEAR FAMILY TIME: The pandemic threw a wrench into many people’s lives. Not being able to visit family, particularly elders, for more than a year in many cases, was agonizing all the way around. While it’s still recommended that everyone be extremely cautious about the delta variant of COVID-19, now is a time to visit family if at all possible. This is why you are so set on seeing your grandparents, and the same is true for your boyfriend.

His urgency in having you visit his family shows you how serious he is about your relationship, so don’t brush him off. Instead, make a solid plan with him for when you can meet his family. Instead of the vague “soon,” talk to your boyfriend about a time in early 2022 when you two can go to visit. During this holiday season, be sure to use videoconferencing to speak to them, even as you are with your family.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)