DEAR HARRIETTE: I’ve been dating the same guy for a year now. I adore him, and I really enjoy spending time with him. We go to the movies and on walks together. We go out to dinner together and volunteer at a local hospital. We know each other's favorite foods and what to do when each other is sad. But we haven’t said “I love you” yet. To me, it seems like a big deal, and I want to say it only when I’m ready. The problem is, I’ve never been in love, so I’m not sure how I’m supposed to know if that’s what I’m feeling. How do you know when you are in love? How do I know when I’m ready to say “I love you” to him? -- The L-Word

DEAR THE L-WORD: How you treat each other, how you feel when you are in each other’s company, how you care for each other can all be signs of love. In our country, we make a big deal about saying the L-word. Honestly, what it comes down to is your connection with this person. Ideally, you want the connection to be reciprocal so that each of you chooses to be in the relationship and to care for the other. It sounds like that is what you have. Instead of trying to label it, why not just enjoy it? 

If you want the relationship to be more committed, what would that look like? I ask because your description already sounds committed and naturally intertwined. But if you want to label it, talk to your boyfriend about that. Talk to him about how much you enjoy being with him and treasure your bond. Listen and see where that conversation goes.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My college roommate and I seem to be very different. She is a little messy, often leaving clothes on the ground and her bed unmade. I have diagnosed OCD, and so my side of the room is always spotless and perfectly organized. It bothers me when she doesn’t care enough to clean her part of the room because we are sharing a fairly small space, and it triggers my OCD. We’ve been living together for only a week, so I don’t want to cause unnecessary conflict, but I’m scared it will just continue to bother me. What should I do? -- College Roommate

DEAR COLLEGE ROOMMATE: You probably can’t make your roommate become neat like you. You can ask her to be more mindful of tidying her space. Agree to set ground rules about chores in the room. And tell her about your situation. Trust that it may be uncomfortable for her to be in the room with someone who is perfectly organized. If you let her know that you suffer from OCD and how hard it is for you to be in a messy space, she may make the effort to be tidier.

But don’t get your hopes up. You may want to invest in a room divider screen that you can put up between the two areas. In that way, when you are in your room, you don’t have to see her clutter. You can just see the screen and your side of things.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: There are a lot of things that I do not like about my dad. He can be very condescending and a bit of a chauvinist. I do not like the way that he speaks to my mother. She is kind and gentle, and my dad talks to her as if she’s some type of indentured servant. I’m married now, and I find myself sometimes speaking to my wife in a similar manner. I don’t mean to -- and she checks me on it every single time. I’m glad that she does. How do I avoid becoming my father? I realize that it’s probably something I’ll have to actively work against in my marriage. -- Dad Habits

DEAR DAD HABITS: It’s time for you to get therapy. People commonly take on the behavioral characteristics of their parents as that is what they witnessed growing up. To break such ingrained patterns of behavior, you should get professional help. Talk to a therapist about your life, your observations of your father, your own behavior with your wife and your desires for yourself. Be as transparent as possible. The more you share, the easier it will be to come up with a plan of action that will help you to self-regulate your behavior. Enlist your wife’s support in this. If she knows that you see your flaws and are prepared to tackle them, she may be able to support your journey.

Be mindful of casting blame on your father. That will help nobody. Instead, focus on yourself, and work to control your thoughts, words and deeds.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’ve recently started designing shirts and selling them online. When my girlfriend doesn’t like a design I’ve come up with, she’ll laugh and make fun of me. Her criticism is never helpful and always just makes me feel small. Is this grounds to end our relationship? -- Hurtful Words

DEAR HURTFUL WORDS: Invite your girlfriend to sit down and talk seriously with you. Remind her of how committed you are to your new business and ask her for her support. That doesn’t mean you want her to be a yes-person, but tell her that it hurts your feelings when she behaves in a dismissive and mocking way about your work. Ask her to stop laughing at your designs. Instead, if she would like to offer constructive criticism, you are all ears.

Point out that you believe that she may have some insights that are worth considering, and you want to hear her, but it is impossible for you to know how to react when she makes fun of your work rather than offering any real evaluation. Tell her that you are willing to hear her criticism if she can begin to offer it in a thoughtful way. If not, ask her to keep her derision to herself.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: A girl who used to go out of her way to be rude to me is now trying to be my friend on social media. I’ve never been one to hold a grudge, but I do remember how awful she used to make me feel for no reason at all. Do you think she may have ulterior motives by trying to befriend me all these years later? Could it be guilt? -- Friends With Old Bully

DEAR FRIENDS WITH OLD BULLY: You do not have to befriend this woman. At the same time, you can take a look at her social media posts to get a sense of what type of person she has become. What are her posts like? Is she kind and thoughtful? Mean and snarky? Extremely outgoing? Thoughtful? What is her online persona like? Get a sense of who she is and how she interacts with people before you make a decision.

I say this because kids do grow up, and sometimes their bad behaviors do not make the journey to adulthood with them. I know this firsthand. There was a girl at my school when I was a child who was very mean to me. She teased me all the time about every little thing. I felt like I was her target, and I didn’t like that. I moved away and built my life, and all was fine. Then I realized that she had become good friends with my sister. I couldn’t believe it at first. As I observed, I saw how she had become a very kind, upbeat and thoughtful woman. Chances are, she doesn’t even remember how she used to treat me. While I will not say that she and I are friends now, we are friendly. And we are “friends” on social media. I never had to say a word to her about the past.

Evaluate your situation as an adult. That will help you to decide if she should be allowed to join your online friends circle or not.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’ve made it very clear to my boyfriend that I do not want a gun in my home. I have two small children, and although they’re with their dad every other weekend, I don’t want a gun in my home when they’re not here either. As my relationship with my current boyfriend has progressed, he’s felt more comfortable bringing his belongings to my house. He left in a rush the other day and left his gun on the bathroom counter. Thankfully, my kids were not there, but I’m still furious. I told him he’s not allowed in my home any more after breaking such an enormous rule. Am I overreacting? -- Boyfriend Broke Rule

DEAR BOYFRIEND BROKE RULE: That breach is enough to close the door and lock it. Clearly, your boyfriend did not heed your request that he stop bringing a gun into your home. To leave a handgun on the counter is reckless and extremely dangerous. Too often, we hear stories in the news of children who happen upon weapons and shoot themselves or others -- sometimes fatally. That was a dealbreaker. Make sure that you change your locks after you break up.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)