life

Musician Balances Real Life and Passion

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | May 20th, 2021 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a strong passion for creating music. It’s hard to prioritize my art while still being a working-class citizen. As you know, hard work is key in attaining any goal. I also have to fight against the clock of life; music is a young man's game. I don’t want to leave my dreams behind me, but bills are very real. My question is: How do I balance what I want for my future and what is necessary for right now? -- Struggling Artist

DEAR STRUGGLING ARTIST: Who says you have to give up your passion as you mature? There is no time limit on exploring your creativity. Yes, you may need to have a job to earn a living, but working hard at a job should not preclude you from working on your music. 

If you haven’t already, set up a corner in your home with all of the equipment that you need to make music. Then devote at least an hour a day to pursuing this dream. I recommend an hour daily because it helps you develop discipline around your dream. If you tend to it every single day, you will see results in no time. Those results may be just for your personal enjoyment, but there's a chance that you may create something interesting enough to share with the public. Thanks to technology, there are many platforms right now where you can upload music. You can put your music out there for others to enjoy whenever you are ready. 

life

Sense & Sensitivity for May 20, 2021

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | May 20th, 2021 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I've been working on a project with a co-worker, and he seems to have become excessively comfortable around me. He tells me personal things, asks me personal questions and generally behaves as though we've known each other for a long time. The problem is, I'm not interested in making friends with him. He's a fine person, but I don't really like him, and after a month or so, I'm never going to see him again. How do I tell him that we're just business colleagues and not close friends without hurting his feelings? -- Uncomfortable 

DEAR UNCOMFORTABLE: Could it be that this man is lonely and relishing the opportunity to talk to you about things that you deem too personal? As you suspect, he may be hypersensitive to your rejection, so tread lightly. Being able to work closely with someone during COVID-19 may be his only intimate human connection.

That said, you do not have to reveal details of your personal life to him -- or anyone else. Since your time together is limited, you may just want to try to guide the conversation to work-related subjects rather than telling him you aren’t his friend. When he asks personal questions, pivot to the work at hand. Say that it’s important to get the work done now. When he brings up a subject that does not interest you or that you find too personal, tell him you don’t want to talk about that. If he starts to tell you things that are too detailed about his own life, tell him that he is sharing too much information. Tell him it makes you feel uncomfortable when he reveals too much.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Aspiring Artist Wants To Use Dad’s Connections

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | May 19th, 2021 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My dad is a professional singer with 25 years of experience and connections I could not even dream of having. I admire all he does and want to pursue a passion similar to his. The only problem is, I don't even know where to start, and I’m nervous to ask him for help because we don't talk regularly. What do you think I should do? -- Aspiring Artist

DEAR ASPIRING ARTIST: This may be your entry point into building a closer bond with your father. Schedule a time to talk to him, preferably in person. Tell him how much you admire the career he has built and that he has inspired you to want to walk in his footsteps. Admit that you aren’t exactly sure what you want to do, but you would appreciate talking to him and learning more about the industry from him. Ask him if he would be willing to coach you.

One way to get your father to talk is to ask him to tell you stories about his life and career. People generally love to talk about themselves. Once he gets started telling stories, you will likely learn a lot about your father that you never knew before. Record video of your conversations if he will allow it. Since he has had such a long and full career, he may appreciate your documenting his story in this way.

As you are learning about him, listen to see what sparks your interest. In order for your father to be able to help you, even when it comes to introducing you to his connections, you need to have a sense of what you want to do. You have to get specific so that his introductions will count in terms of helping to open doors for you.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for May 19, 2021

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | May 19th, 2021 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My 12-year-old brother came out to me as gay. I’m nervous about how other family members will treat him. Sometimes I want to tell him not to let anyone else know, but I never want him to feel that his sexuality is a problem. I’m just scared of him getting bullied and ostracized. Our father is very religious, and I feel that he may have a problem with my brother. He has made openly homophobic comments in front of him in the past. What should I tell my little brother? -- Protective

DEAR PROTECTIVE: Your brother came out to you because he trusts you. You are right to want to protect him from anyone who may belittle or hurt him, especially your father. Help your brother find support outside the home. Look for a gay youth center in your community. Look online for support groups for gay teens. Offer to be a sounding board for your brother as he explores his thoughts and feelings.

Be honest with him. You both know that your father will likely be harsh. Because your brother is a minor living in your father's house, your father’s potential reaction to your brother’s sexuality actually is a problem. That doesn’t mean it always has to be. Figure out who else in the family may be an ally. Determine whether there might be anywhere else your brother could live when he does reveal his truth. Help to set up your brother for success and safety before he tells your parents anything.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

14-Year-Old Daughter Has Poor Body Image

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | May 18th, 2021 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My 14-year-old daughter has come to me with a troubling question. She asked me if it is OK not to like her body. I did not have a response because I was scared that anything I said to her could irreparably change how she views herself. What do you think I can say to my daughter to help her love herself again? -- Body Positivity

DEAR BODY POSITIVITY: This is the time to ask your daughter questions. Be gentle as you talk to her. Do not interrogate. Ask questions and listen carefully. Do not pass judgment. Just hear her and let her know that you are hearing her. Among the questions you may want to ask: How do you feel? What don’t you like about your body? Is there anything that you do like? Have you always felt this way? Did anything happen to make you feel this way?

Since your daughter is 14, chances are, her body is changing dramatically. She is an adolescent. Her hormones could easily be causing her to have mood swings that may be impacting her body image.

Think about how you felt about yourself when you were her age. Did you ever feel uncomfortable in your skin? If you can recall awkward moments, ask her if you can tell her things about your life. She may be able to relate to your stories as she considers her own.

If it seems that she needs more support than you have to offer, schedule a meeting with an adolescent psychologist who can help her work through her thoughts and feelings.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for May 18, 2021

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | May 18th, 2021 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I think my neighbor is stalking me. Every time I go jogging in the morning, he happens to be going the same route as me no matter what time I go, and when I get home from work -- around 9 p.m. -- he always seems to be waiting for me at the front gate to smoke. Do you think this is just a coincidence, or should I take this more seriously? -- Neighbor Problems

DEAR NEIGHBOR PROBLEMS: Greet your neighbor pleasantly, but do not engage in extra or prolonged conversations. Alter your jogging route in the morning. If he detours when you do, take note. But you can also tell him when you begin your run that you prefer to run alone. Put on headphones to demonstrate that you do not want to engage. When you come home at night, say hello and good evening and keep moving.

For extra insurance, install motion-sensor cameras outside your door so that you can observe if your neighbor is snooping around. It could be that he is otherwise bored and finds you interesting. Keep alert. If his patterns change and he becomes more assertive, ask him to give you some space. You may also consider inviting another neighbor to buddy up with you when you run.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

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