DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend is upset with me because of something that happened in my past. I really have no idea how he found out about it, but it wasn't necessarily a secret. He won't open up to me about why it upsets him or how we can work through it. I don't like how he's reacting. It's unfair of him to shut me out when he wasn't even in my life at the time of the incident. What do I do? -- No Time Like the Present

DEAR NO TIME LIKE THE PRESENT: Sit down with your boyfriend and tell him that you need to talk about the elephant in the room. Set it up by saying both of you had lives before you got together. In your case, that includes uncomfortable things that happened before you met. You realize that this particular incident is upsetting to him, and you want to be able to discuss it openly with him. Tell him it makes you uncomfortable that he has shut down about something that happened long ago, that does not affect him and that you cannot change because it is over. Ask him to explain what he is feeling and to talk to you about the situation so that you can find a way forward.

If the issue raises questions about your values or integrity, it may be hard for him to move on even though it didn’t affect him when it happened. Figure out what you think the issue is, and speak directly to that. If, from your perspective, it was a forgivable situation, explain why you think so, and ask him to agree to move on.

It is also true that sometimes our past simply comes back to bite us. Is this one of those incidents?

DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently overheard my in-laws making fun of my cooking. I've never claimed to be the best cook, but I try my hardest. My husband's family has always found ways to pick on me, so my cooking was just another thing for them to poke fun at. I personally don't think that they're the best cooks either, so I don't care to ask any of them to teach me anything. I feel like I should address the subject even though they’ve never said anything to my face. How do I address this? Is it even worth addressing? -- Not a Chef

DEAR NOT A CHEF: This is a tricky one, as you don’t want to leave yourself even more vulnerable to your in-laws’ insults. If you can ignore them, that may be for the best. But if you hear their comments again, you might use a humorous challenge to jolt them into realizing how rude they are. For example, you might invite them to a cook-off to see who is worse than the other. Or next time they come over to eat, tell them you are taking the night off and ask them to cook instead of you so that they can show off their great culinary skills.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: The other day, I got written up at work. I saw it coming, so it didn’t really surprise me that much. I know I haven't been performing very well at this new position, but I have no idea why, and it's been discouraging. I feel like I’m at risk of losing my job, and I don't know how to deal with it. I've been doing my best -- but recently my best doesn't seem to be enough. Should I quit and start over with another employer or stick it out? -- Sick of Work

DEAR SICK OF WORK: This period has been stressful for many people. Perhaps your difficulty at work is about more than the job. Look around at your world. What’s going on? What do you feel is working well? What is difficult? Your housing? Your family situation? Your finances? Your health? Take a moment to think seriously about your life and what needs to change. Then, consider what you can do to make your life better.

I do not recommend leaving a job to find another. Being without employment in the middle of the pandemic may turn out to be even more challenging than what you are experiencing now. Instead, talk to your boss and ask what they can recommend for you to do better. Ask for specifics. Acknowledge that you know you haven’t been at the top of your game and that you want to do better. With guidance, you may be able to improve.

If you want to do something else, continue to improve your behavior and attitude at work as you begin to look for new jobs. You will want and need a recommendation from this employer, so do your best.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My ex-girlfriend contacted me recently. The only reason we broke up was because I cannot trust her discernment in most issues in life. However, if she managed to change the way she deals with certain issues, I would be willing to give it another chance. It’s only been a few months since our split. Am I unrealistic for expecting her to have changed in a major way since then? -- Not Over It

DEAR NOT OVER IT: You are asking for something from your ex-girlfriend that, quite frankly, is unreasonable. You said that you “cannot trust her discernment in most issues in life.” That is a huge thing to declare. For you to wish that in a few months your ex somehow has cultivated a new level of judgment is unrealistic.

You have to decide if you can accept her for who she is, questionable discernment and all. If you cannot, let her go. You will only be torturing yourself and her if you get back together with the hope that she can be or become something that she is not. My mother often says, “To know her is to know that.” She has said this over the years when I have wanted someone to behave differently than what they have shown their behavior to be. Open your eyes, my dear, and be willing to see your ex for who she is.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I got my nails done a few weeks ago, and now I’ve developed a staph infection. I went back to the same salon, and they swore that it wasn't their fault. I've gone to the doctor several times since and received multiple steroid and antibacterial treatments. My doctors told me that this type of infection always comes from nail salons. This is the only nail salon that I visit. I love the people who work there, but I feel like I need to take some type of legal action. On Yelp, a few other people have complained that they had similar issues. What should I do? -- Infected

DEAR INFECTED: First, I hope that your doctors can cure this infection. Staph infections can be aggressive and very hard to eliminate. Document everything. Take pictures to show the progression of the infection and ask your doctors to put their diagnoses in writing.

Next, contact a lawyer to discuss your options. It may be that your lawyer can reach out to the salon to secure a settlement where your medical bills are fully covered. You may also want to sue the salon, though that can be expensive and time-consuming.

You can also write your own review on Yelp describing what happened to you and warning other would-be customers.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My two best friends have been arguing about a vacation spot. My friend who makes a lot of money wants to go to an all-inclusive resort. My other friend, who doesn't make as much money, wants to go somewhere local and inexpensive. I'm caught in the middle. I want all of us to be together, and I do not want to take sides. My more affluent friend has offered to pay for my poorer friend, but she is refusing. What do you think a good compromise would be? -- Spring Break

DEAR SPRING BREAK: Whether you like it or not, you are the tiebreaker. Talk it out with your friends to come to a compromise everyone will accept. Start with yourself. Be honest: Where would you like to go? If you prefer the all-inclusive, encourage your less affluent friend to reconsider that location. If you think the friend offering to pay is truly doing so with no strings attached, point that out. Then work on the compromise that while on vacation, you all go check out the local scene for food and fun. Sometimes people choose to go local not just for the cost savings, but also for the experience.

A downside of staying at an all-inclusive is that you never have to leave the premises. Instead, the food, drink, entertainment and “culture” are imported in, and guests are treated to a schedule of activities without ever having to leave. Often, these venues are luxurious locations that are secluded from the local community. While that can feel safe and welcoming, it is also less genuine. This may be what makes your friend uncomfortable.

A reasonable compromise could be to stay at the all-inclusive and go on excursions to visit local cultural points of interest. All three of you should agree to participate in the outside events as well.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)