life

Burnt-Out Reader Tired of Social Media

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | April 21st, 2021 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: Lately, I've been getting incredibly tired of social media. I see the same posts over and over again and the same people over and over again. I would like to remove myself from my social platform, but I'm also afraid that I'll be missing out. I've been feeling unhappy with the posts of social unrest and people's political views, and it's wearing me out. My question is, how do I maintain my relationships with people on social media while protecting my mental state at the same time? -- Social Distancing

DEAR SOCIAL DISTANCING: Balance is key in life, especially when we’re talking about social media consumption. You are having classic symptoms of what many are experiencing -- social media fatigue. Guess what? It’s perfectly OK, even healthy, to step away from your social media entirely for a while. You can choose for how long. Recognizing that you are in control of your life is a powerful discovery, and it includes the awareness that if you miss out on some posts or even some activities as people slowly begin to start seeing each other again, so be it. It’s not the end of the world. Really!

To figure out the way forward on engaging people on social media, evaluate your network and who really matters to you. Choose to interact with them. Decide whether you want to talk to them beyond social media channels. Is anyone truly your friend? Figure out who matters and why, and from there, determine how closely you want to interact and with what frequency. Less can be more.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for April 21, 2021

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | April 21st, 2021 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend forgot my birthday. We are in a long-distance relationship, so I understand that it could be a little bit more difficult to keep track of holidays, birthdays, etc.; however, I reminded him several times. I am very big on birthdays. When it was my boyfriend’s birthday in July, I went all out for him. When my birthday came around, I got a text from everyone but him. He didn't call me, he didn't text me and he didn't make a Facebook post about me. I love him dearly, and I know for a fact that he forgot. I don't know if I can deal with someone this inconsiderate anymore. He should've had my birthday written down in his calendar. I feel that I deserve more effort. He also forgot Valentine's Day, but I let that slide. Do I continue dating this man who is otherwise very sweet and faithful? I'm embarrassed by the fact that his effort doesn’t match mine. I can't keep making excuses for him anymore. -- Pay Attention

DEAR PAY ATTENTION: I think birthdays are a big deal. It’s understandable that your boyfriend forgetting yours hurt your feelings. Talk to him about it. Ask him why he didn’t make your big day a priority. It’s only a dealbreaker if it points to him not being attentive to you more broadly. If he is otherwise on point, you will have to teach him that he needs to pay attention to your birthday -- and anything else that he misses -- if he wants you to be happy.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Girlfriend’s New Job Causes Concern

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | April 20th, 2021 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My girlfriend has been looking for a new job for a while, and she finally got a job as a server at a high-end bar and restaurant. The problem is that she wasn’t totally honest with me about what kind of job it actually is. I researched the place and found out that the waitresses are required to wear really revealing outfits. I know how hard it was for her to get this job, but I'm really not comfortable with it. I also wish she had been more honest with me about it from the very beginning. What do I do? -- Deceived

DEAR DECEIVED: Your girlfriend probably didn’t tell you the details of her job because she was afraid you would react exactly as you have. The job market is tough right now for many people, and, sadly, that has meant that some people have had to compromise in terms of the jobs that they felt they had to accept. That has meant looking outside of their fields of study, interests or aptitudes at times. In your girlfriend’s case, the compromise seems to be about values -- at least from your perspective.

Rather than being mad at her, look at it for what it is: She needed a job. Talk to her about it with compassion. You can tell her you are disappointed that she didn’t confide in you. Ask her if the environment is safe. Find out if sexual favors are expected or if there’s any whiff of impropriety there. Admit that this job makes you uncomfortable. But as long as it's safe, offer to support her while she figures things out.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for April 20, 2021

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | April 20th, 2021 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a problem with the way my new boyfriend asked me to be his girlfriend. There was no grand gesture, and it was way too casual for my liking. I did say yes because at the time I was very happy that he even asked me, but now I'm second-guessing. I wish that he had made a bigger deal of it. There was nothing exciting or grand about the way that he asked me. Is it even worth mentioning to him? Should I just get over it and move on? -- Need Effort

DEAR NEED EFFORT: What was missing in your boyfriend’s request? Think about what is upsetting you. Was your boyfriend not romantic enough? What exactly did he say and do? It could be that he realized he really wants to be with you and it felt natural and right, so he said it. That may seem simple, but it’s direct. Some people are like that. It could be that he’s awkward and shy or unceremonious and straightforward.

You need to figure out what is making you disappointed and decide if you can live with that, because your boyfriend probably thinks he made an appropriate gesture. If you really like him, you can introduce him to the ways you like to enjoy special moments. Be ready to accept, however, that he is not a man of grand gestures. That can be OK, too, as long as you figure out how to balance his manner with your expectations.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Mom Doesn’t Respect Daughter’s New Boyfriend

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | April 19th, 2021 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am the mother of a beautiful and talented 23-year-old daughter. I have always wanted her to date and marry someone who was established, educated and of Christian faith. My daughter recently told me that she has started a relationship with a 28-year-old department store worker. He did not go to college, he is not a faithful Christian and he does not have his priorities set for establishing a career. I don't want to discourage my daughter from being with the person she wants to be with, but I want her to realize that she can date somebody with more to offer. What do I do? Do I continue to support her dating a man who is going nowhere? -- Skeptical

DEAR SKEPTICAL: Tread lightly here, Mom. Your daughter is at the age where she needs to claim her independence, even as -- if you are lucky -- she still values your opinion. If you put your foot down about wanting her to stop dating this man, you may end up pushing her right into his arms. Instead, talk to her. Ask her what qualities she wants in a partner. Ask her what she has dreamed her partner would be like, what attributes he might have, what values she would appreciate. Get her into the headspace of thinking about her future. Then you can ask her if the man fits her image of the man she desires to be her life partner.

The fact that he works in a department store does not have to be a dealbreaker. There are all kinds of jobs in the world. Sometimes a partner can be great without being ambitious. What’s more important, from my perspective, is whether he shares her values. I’m not sure what you mean about him not being a faithful Christian, but they should explore what is important to them spiritually, culturally, morally, financially -- everything. Encourage her to have those talks with him, which will help her learn if he is someone she’s just having fun with now, or if he might be “the one.”

life

Sense & Sensitivity for April 19, 2021

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | April 19th, 2021 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I just started a new job, and there are over 75 employees working at the company. It seems to be the culture of our workplace to hit Reply All to every single email. I am bombarded with a huge number of emails daily because of Reply All. My co-workers email one another about everything from the important to the mundane. I am sick of it! How do I ask my co-workers to stop including me in their emails without coming across as rude? -- Reply All

DEAR REPLY ALL: Going against the culture you have just entered may feel like swimming upstream against a rough tide, and it may not work. Instead of attempting that, why not ask your co-workers to label things “urgent” or “time sensitive” when they need a direct response from you? Point out that you find conversations confusing and difficult to follow when you are included on so many emails that do not apply to you. By asking for clarification so that you can be sure to do your job well, you introduce the idea of streamlining communication without calling out anybody for their inefficient practices.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

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