life

Renter Wants Small-Town Feel, Big-City Mindset

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | March 22nd, 2021 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’ve lived in a bustling city for the past 22 years. I would love to move to a quiet rural town with idyllic scenery and a small-town feel. My rent now is high because of my location, and I can really move anywhere because I don’t own my home. My only concern is dealing with the small-town mindset that often goes hand-in-hand with rural areas. Do you think that it would be more advantageous to make this leap? Or is it worth it to stay in the big city? -- Leaving the City

DEAR LEAVING THE CITY: The good news for you is that since you are not a homeowner, you can move freely and try out a new area. As long as you are able to do your work wherever you live or remotely, the world is your oyster. Research the areas you are considering to learn as much as you can, including the demographic makeup. Dig around to learn about the politics, culture and leadership of the area.

Sure, you may find that the small town is more provincial in its ways than a big city, but there are always tradeoffs. Try out a new city to see if you like it. Become a renter and give yourself one to two years. If it doesn’t suit you, pack up and continue your adventure.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for March 22, 2021

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | March 22nd, 2021 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m a 38-year-old woman. I have my own home and I pay my own bills, but I have not been able to maintain a relationship for longer than two years. I really want to have children, but it seems as though my ideal situation of being married first and then having children is not going to happen. I never saw myself as an old mom. I don’t have any potential dating prospects on the horizon. Is it selfish of me to try IVF and have children without a father? I do not want to wait until I get to a high-risk age to have kids, and at this rate, I’m running out of options. -- Wanting Kids

DEAR WANTING KIDS: You are at an important crossroads in your life, where it is important to consider your future. Things are not as dire as they seem, though.

You have a few options to consider. It may not be too late to freeze your eggs. Speak to your doctor about that option, which allows you to use them later in life. Indeed, you might even be able to have a surrogate carry a child for you if you decide to have a baby in the future. You can also consider adoption in coming years, even the possibility of adopting an older child.

The notion of having a child without a father is something worth contemplating. Many women find themselves in this situation for a variety of reasons. While co-parenting is ideal, you can go solo and create a wonderful life for yourself and your child. You just have to plan. While planning, incorporate opportunities to go out and be in the company of other people. Your partner may be nearby, but the two of you just haven’t been in the right place to meet!

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Business Owner Doesn’t Want Unsolicited Advice

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | March 20th, 2021 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m getting sick of my friends and colleagues giving me unwanted advice. I started my own business a little while ago, and I didn’t ask anyone for help because I didn’t want any help. Since the early phases of starting my business, I’ve received a lot of advice that I didn’t ask for. Most of the time, the people who offer their advice do not have their own business and have no experience dealing with the stuff that I work on. I know that they mean well, and I don’t want to sound rude by rejecting their advice, but for some reason, it does offend me that people think I need it in the first place. I only need advice from people who are in a better position than me. What should I say to my friends who constantly offer their two cents? -- Annoyed

DEAR ANNOYED: Rather than sharply asking them to quit it with the advice, take a more diplomatic approach. Thank them for thinking about you, and keep it moving. Believe it or not, every now and then a layperson may have a great idea, so you shouldn’t close yourself off entirely from their thoughts. But you can stay neutral. Just say thank you and change the subject if they go on too long. Ask them questions about their work, family or other interests. People love to talk about themselves, so this often will get them out of your business and back into their own. When they go on too long, you can draw the line and tell them you have listened to all that you can for now. There may come a time, too, when you have to tell them that you appreciate how much they care about you, but that their constant analysis of your business is not helpful.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for March 20, 2021

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | March 20th, 2021 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My best friend got a new job, and she’s been driving me crazy by talking about it constantly. I understand that it’s a stressful job and it takes a lot of her time, but she’s becoming a bit obsessive. Whenever we speak, we talk about her work, her boss, her co-workers or her salary. I’m getting bored of it, honestly. I feel guilty because I will dodge her phone calls on purpose just to avoid talking about her job.

She’s a great friend and I love her dearly, but the constant work talk is starting to make me draw back a little. I know that I can’t keep avoiding her. I don’t want to hurt her feelings by telling her she can’t talk about her job with me. She’s needed this job for a while, and I’m proud of her -- but enough is enough. Should I say something to her? -- Bored BFF

DEAR BORED BFF: There’s a chance that your friend may see for herself that she is going overboard with work talk. You can compassionately tell her that while you are thrilled that she got this job, after work hours you would like to talk about other things. When she starts in on a story, interrupt and tell her you would like to tell her a story. Introduce new ideas to the conversation, including family, friends, fitness or dating. Tell her you miss your conversations when you talked about everything. Encourage her to take a deep breath and allow herself to think beyond this new work opportunity. If she refuses, you may have to keep her at a distance for a while.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

In-Laws Make Agnostic Reader Uncomfortable

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | March 19th, 2021 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I try hard to stay away from the topic of religion when I’m with my in-laws, but I’m starting to realize how unavoidable this topic is. My husband comes from a very religious background, and I simply wasn’t raised to subscribe to any particular religion myself. I feel that my in-laws impose their views on me every time we see them. I also believe that they judge me because I do not believe in the same things that they do. I talk to my husband about how uncomfortable they’ve made me, but since those are the people who raised him, I feel that he is biased and only halfway understands why I’m so frustrated. What can I say or do? -- Religious In-Laws

DEAR RELIGIOUS IN LAWS: I hate to say this, but you knew who they were when you married your husband. It sounds like none of you has changed, but all of you wish that you had; hence the friction. Since you can only control yourself, make the decision that you will accept them for who they are and stop being affected by their proselytizing. Their way is to talk about their religion. Your way can become to change the subject, excuse yourself from the conversation and remark only on the topics that stir you the most. In other words, agree to disagree with them on particular points.

If you and your husband are considering having children, you should talk about how you will raise them. It is highly likely that your in-laws will push hard to have your children reared in their religious practices. The only way that this won’t happen is if you and your husband discuss and firmly agree on a different plan that he is willing to back you up on when the time comes.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for March 19, 2021

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | March 19th, 2021 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: How do I get my confidence back after dealing with internet trolls? While I know the best thing to do is ignore people who have nothing positive to say, I also can’t help but feel that with every harsh joke, there’s some truth. I’ve been struggling with my confidence after a bunch of people attacked my pictures online. My pictures usually get a lot of attention because of my online presence, but this time, a lot of the attention came with negativity. I want to tune it out and get back to feeling like myself, but I cannot help but look at myself a little differently. How can I go back to feeling like my usual confident self? -- Internet Trolls

DEAR INTERNET TROLLS: There are real consequences to getting caught up in the wheel of likes and dislikes on the internet. Honestly, whenever people rely too heavily on other people’s opinions, it can be detrimental to their mental health. The internet has only made it worse because people can anonymously post anything, and often they are unkind.

Building self-esteem requires you to evaluate yourself for who you are and what you value, not what other people say. Unless you did something scandalous for which you honestly feel regret, take these comments with a grain of salt. Perhaps somebody was jealous or bored and decided to pick on you. Do not react to the negative comments. If they warrant deletion, take them down. If they should be reported, do that. But don’t fight back. Your best defense is radio silence. If you do not engage these trolls, they will lose their power over you.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

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