DEAR HARRIETTE: A good friend of mine hired my older brother as security for an event she was hosting, and apparently he did a horrible job. According to her, he was drinking on the job, wasn’t paying close attention to the guest list and let people into the event who were not supposed to be there. She called me and told me that she thinks it’s necessary to dock his pay. While I don’t necessarily think it’s right to pay him less than the agreed-upon amount, I support her decision because he should’ve done a better job. There is now tension between the two of them because he sincerely believes that he didn’t do anything wrong. He says he worked longer than he initially agreed to work and didn’t drink anything with alcohol in it. I don't know who to believe or how to make them resolve this issue. How do I help them resolve this, and how do I avoid taking sides? -- Caught in the Middle

DEAR CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE: You need to stay out of this entirely. Even supporting her decision to dock his pay is more than you should have done because you were not there, you were not involved and they need to handle this themselves.

Speak to each of them. Express your disappointment that things didn’t go smoothly. Let them know that you do not want to be in the middle. Tell them that they need to resolve this matter independent of you.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I agreed to let my friend run the social media aspect of my company. I was very specific when explaining to her what her duties would be. I created content templates for her, gave her a posting schedule and gave her every possible resource she could need, but she is still falling short.

Running my website isn’t something she volunteered to do out of the kindness of her heart; she needed a paying job, and I was ready to hire her. I had many other applicants to choose from when hiring her, and she promised me that she was the best person for the job. Some days her posts will be way behind schedule, and some days she simply won’t post anything at all. I think at this point my only option is to find someone else. Do you think that this will ruin our friendship? -- Hired My Friend

DEAR HIRED MY FRIEND: You have experienced something that is all too common. Hiring friends to work for you can easily backfire. I have learned that when hiring people, you must follow the same rules and guidelines with friends as with people you don’t know. People need to prove that they are the best; they cannot just say it and expect you believe it.

Now your friend works for you. Talk to her about what is working and what is not. Be clear about what you need in order for her to continue to do this job. Outline the requirements and deadlines clearly so that she understands what she must do. Explain that if she is unable to fulfill those duties, you will need to replace her.

You can let her know that you care about her as your friend and hope that your friendship will remain intact, but you cannot keep her if she cannot do the job efficiently. Be kind and clear. That’s the best way of preserving your relationship.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My son’s girlfriend is getting way too comfortable at our house. I like to make everyone feel warm and welcome in my home, but she has definitely crossed the line. She’ll come over when he isn’t even home from work yet and will watch TV loudly in the living room, help herself to whatever is in the fridge and talk on the phone.

She’s a very sweet girl, and I love having her over, but I think that boundaries need to be established at some point. I’ve asked my son to talk to her about it. While he claims that he will, I know that conversation may never happen because he isn’t confrontational. I don’t want to create hostility by confronting her myself; my son may never forgive me if I make her upset. How do I approach the situation and still maintain peace? -- Knock First

DEAR KNOCK FIRST: Talk to your son again. Express to him what you want the boundaries to be. Be crystal clear so that he understands what your expectations are. For example, if you do not want her to come over before he gets home from work, make that a rule. Go through your list of pet peeves, and make it clear to your son that they have to be addressed. Ask him if he intends to talk to her. Give him a deadline.

If he misses it, tell him that you will talk to her. There is nothing wrong with you establishing the ground rules in your own house. Even if your son does get upset, he will get over it. You can kindly and clearly set the rules and let her know what they are. Talking on the phone and disrupting the household is certainly an issue. You have every right to ask her to speak more quietly. If she can’t do that, she can use her phone outside. Really.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My ex-boyfriend just lost a close friend of his very suddenly. When I heard what happened, I instantly thought to call and check on him. He was very appreciative that I reached out, but that was about two weeks ago, and our communication has not yet ceased. We still talk regularly. I had no intentions of staying in constant contact with him after offering my condolences. We weren’t on speaking terms before the tragedy, and I didn’t plan on getting back on speaking terms with him. He seems to really need someone right now, so I’ve been there for him, trying to help with his grief, but I fear that it’s gone too far. I don’t think we need to speak any more, but I don’t want to abandon him at a time when he’s really hurting. What should I do? -- Empathetic Ex

DEAR EMPATHETIC EX: You can gently start weaning your ex from your constant engagements. Don’t make it abrupt, as he is still very tender. Just begin to be less available. You can also recommend that he go to grief counseling. Since his friend died suddenly, lots of emotions will likely continue to swirl for some time. Getting professional help to work through all that he is experiencing would be beneficial to him.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am starting to resent my boyfriend for spending so much time away from me. I knew when we started dating that he was in the Navy and that he would be out on deployment for months, but things are so much more difficult than I anticipated. Sometimes they lose Wi-Fi on the ship, and I’m not able to speak to him for several days at a time. They recently docked in another country and were able to spend a few days on land; in that time, he had access to Wi-Fi and phone signals, and still I heard nothing from him. All we have is our communication, and since that’s fleeting, we have nothing. What should I do? -- Deployed

DEAR DEPLOYED: Being apart for so long has got to be hard for both of you. If you are expressing frustration whenever you speak to him, that is not helping matters. If your tone sounds anything like it reads in this letter, chances are, your boyfriend may dread it a bit when he talks to you because you always seem upset. That may be why he hasn’t called when he had access to Wi-Fi. I know that is upsetting to you, but it could be the case.

When you next have a chance to talk, let your boyfriend know how much you miss him, but don’t attempt to place demands on him. Ask him how he is doing. Listen to see how he is managing right now. You may want to agree to communicate once a week -- Wi-Fi permitting. If you establish a pattern, it may be easier to follow through. What's most important is for you two to work this out together. Don’t try to force him. That will not work.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I took a nanny job watching two young boys without knowing exactly what I was getting into, and now I fear that I’ve bitten off way more than I can chew.

I don’t have any kids of my own. I have nieces and nephews whom I love like my own kids, and we get along incredibly well, so I’m caught off guard by my inability to connect or establish a good dynamic with the kids I am nannying. I don’t really know what to do. Their parents warned me that they could be a little difficult, but I did not expect this level of difficulty. The boys will disobey me when I ask them to do something in the politest way possible. They’ll tell their parents about how they don’t have to listen to me because I’m not their mother. I don’t know how much disrespect I can tolerate. The parents insist that they will warm up to me, but it’s been two months, and nothing has changed. What should my next step be? -- New Nanny

DEAR NEW NANNY: Make an agreement with the parents that if the children do not follow your directions, there will be consequences that both you and the parents enforce. The children need to know that you and the parents are in alignment. Agree on strategies that you can use, such as time outs, no electronics, no TV, etc., for bad behavior.

While you want to remain polite, you also need to speak to them firmly. Talk to them with authority so that they know you are the boss. When they ignore you or disobey, immediately enforce an agreed-upon punishment. When they follow your directions, reward them with an activity that they appreciate.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)