life

Boyfriend Being Bullied by Partner’s Family

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | February 6th, 2021 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I grew up in a house full of boys. I have four brothers who were rowdy and loud. Plus, my dad had a huge presence in the household. I have a boyfriend who is the opposite of them. He is sensitive and thoughtful. As much as I love my family, I would never call them sensitive. My boyfriend cries when we watch certain movies or when sad things happen. I like this about him.

But it leaves him vulnerable when he’s around my family. They constantly jab at him and tease him because he’s “soft.” When I have told them how much I like him and that I appreciate that softer side, they laugh at me. How can I get my family to welcome him when he is so different from them? Quite frankly, they can be bullies. -- Stop Bullying My Man

DEAR STOP BULLYING MY MAN: Your boyfriend is going to have to carve out a level of comfort for himself with your family. You cannot do this for him. He doesn’t have to become a bully himself or attempt to be different than he is, but he does need to establish his own space among the boys. My guess is that he will need to be able to ignore them, deflect their taunts and stand his ground.

What you can do is make sure that you clearly let your family know how much you care for him. You, too, should ignore their jibes. If you don’t add fuel to that fire, it may subside.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for February 06, 2021

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | February 6th, 2021 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am tired of wearing a mask every time I go outside. I thought COVID-19 would be handled by now. It’s been almost a year, and I’ve had it. I want my old life back. Plus, I learned that a woman I know caught COVID even after wearing a mask, so what’s the point? I think I just want to live my life and see what happens. I am young and healthy. I want to see my friends and take off this mask. Since I haven't gotten sick yet, I think I should be good. Do you think I’m being stupid? I don’t plan on being reckless. I just want my regular life back. -- No More Mask

DEAR NO MORE MASK: It’s totally understandable that you are exhausted by the pandemic and the recommendations for staying safe. We are all tired. And yet, more than 400,000 Americans have died from COVID-19, including many young, healthy people. It is real, and it isn’t going away yet. Your friend who got the virus while wearing a mask is proof of how dangerous the illness is. That’s why the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recommends several measures: wearing a face covering, staying 6 feet apart and constantly washing your hands. They also suggest that you not gather in enclosed spaces whenever possible.

You should continue to follow these guidelines, even though it is frustrating. We don’t know how long this will last, but it won’t be forever. The vaccine should help us dramatically once enough people have been able to get it. Be patient. Visit from a distance with loved ones. Follow President Biden’s request to mask up for his first 100 days. It is worth it.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Parent Sorry After Breaking Daughter’s Trust

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | February 5th, 2021 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My daughter and I have a great relationship because it's always been just us. She tells me everything. When she was a teenager, she told me all the nitty and gritty, and there was a lot we went through; I can’t imagine she left anything out. I trust her. But now she's an adult making her own decisions, never consulting me. I guess that makes me feel left out and jealous.

One day I went to her home, and she left her phone open when she exited the room. I don't know what came over me, but I picked up her phone and started swiping through everything. I don’t know what I was looking for or expecting to find. A few seconds later, she came back into the room and caught me. Now she's not speaking to me. Why did I do this? I was frozen and had no words. I don't know what went through my head at the time. Maybe you could tell me why I would betray her privacy? -- Feeling Sorry

DEAR FEELING SORRY: You know why you went through her phone. What you need to do is tell your daughter and apologize. Be brutally honest. Reach out to her and ask her to talk. When she agrees -- which could take some time -- tell her how sorry you are for breaching her confidence by going through her phone. Admit that it has been difficult for you to step back as she grows into the woman she is becoming. Because she was so forthcoming with you when she was young and now she is not, you long to know more about her life. Be frank: You know that you should not have done that. Curiosity took over, and you started looking to see what’s going on in her life. Apologize. Promise to respect her privacy moving forward. Ask for her forgiveness.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for February 05, 2021

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | February 5th, 2021 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My friend and I have grown up together and stuck together through college. We studied similar fields but have different majors and degrees. We went to a job fair, and he met a recruiter and told me all about the job he was applying for. I was so amazed and couldn't help but feel like that job was a great fit for me. I searched around and got ahold of the recruiter for the position and got myself an interview. We both interviewed for a bunch of different jobs, but I think he wanted this job as much as me. Turns out, I got the job. Now I have to tell my friend, but I never mentioned applying for the job. I am going to be in hot water when I tell him. What should I say? -- I Stole His Job

DEAR I STOLE HIS JOB: This could be a dealbreaker for your friendship because it was clearly a breach of trust, and it was sneaky. You have to tell your friend, but don’t be surprised if he cuts you out of his life for your dishonesty. Tell him that you got a job -- the job that he had told you about. Admit that you also interviewed for it after learning about it from him. Tell him the truth. Apologize for not being forthcoming. Ask for his forgiveness. Don’t expect it, though.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Breakdown in Communication Brings About Break

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | February 4th, 2021 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I asked my boyfriend for a break so I could have some space to think. He has bad reactions when I tell him things, and he can’t control his feelings. I have been scared to talk to him, which has led me to hide things from him. I constantly feel like I am lying to him, all to protect his feelings and his mood. He just can’t handle certain information, and he doesn’t listen to me -- he just jumps to react. It has made me rethink how we communicate and whether we can connect in a healthy way. If we can’t, then should we even be in a relationship? After realizing this, I asked for a break, but I’ve heard that people don’t get back together after a break. Do you think a break will help? -- Pausing on Love

DEAR PAUSING ON LOVE: I would say that you shouldn’t pause for too long. Your chance at making this relationship work will come from the two of you working together on your bond. What do you want? What do you need? Get clear on the answers to those questions. The bottom line is that you need to decide whether you want to devote your life to being with him. Figure that out first. Then, ask your boyfriend to get together to talk. Be open with him. If you think you want to be with him, tell him what you want in your relationship. Explain how important communication is for you, and give him examples of your concerns about the ways in which he reacts to you when you tell him things and what you have been doing to manage those reactions. Tell him that this worries you. Suggest that he go to anger management classes to gain competence at handling difficult information. See what he is willing to do to work with you. If he seems unwilling or unable to make the effort, you may have your answer about your future with him.

If it doesn’t seem like it’s possible to have a healthy bond, cut ties. Since you have already separated, this may be the cleanest time to break.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for February 04, 2021

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | February 4th, 2021 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I believe my husband is either having an affair or getting dangerously close to it. We have not been close for a long time, but we have carved out a way of coexisting that I thought was common for couples who have been together for a long time. Recently, one of his college friends has come into the picture. They go out to eat and for drinks and to see art shows -- all kinds of things. Even during quarantine, they have made time for outings. He never wants to do anything like that with me. When I have made similar suggestions, he balks. When I have asked him about these outings with this woman, he blows it off, saying he’s just hanging out with an old friend. I went with them once, but it was uncomfortable. I felt like she was coming on to him, and he was enjoying the attention. I don’t want to lose my husband. What should I do? -- He’s Mine

DEAR HE’S MINE: Speak up and tell him that his relationship with this woman makes you uncomfortable. Tell him that you do not want him to continue to spend time with her. Be direct, and tell him that you feel that their friendship is a threat to your marriage. Ask him to choose to spend more time with you. His reaction will help you to know what he is willing and interested in doing.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

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