DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been married to my husband for about three years now. We are still in our 20s. My husband has some questionable habits I have noticed now that we have begun living together. He’s saying things differently and acting differently. I feel like he’s letting his guard down, and I’m seeing the real him. I think the real him is gay. I never got that feeling before we got married, but everything just seems different now. I’m not sure what to do with this feeling.
I’m convinced he wants to be with a man, but he is with me, and it makes me feel like I don’t want to be with him anymore. If I bring it up and it's true, I lose him. If he’s not, he will probably never feel the same about me. Either way, I’m not sure I can feel the same about him after having these thoughts. The idea makes me lose either way. Should I ask him? How do I deal with this mentally? -- Wrong Team Player
DEAR WRONG TEAM PLAYER: Being suspicious of your husband without saying anything will not lead to a positive end. Especially, early in your marriage, it is important for you to be open with each other as you get to know each other better.
You haven’t said exactly what your husband is doing that is questionable. Whatever it is, make a list. Then look at it to determine whether you are being overly sensitive or your concerns are potentially justified.
Talk to your husband. Tell him that you have noticed that he is behaving differently, and it is making you uncomfortable. Point out whatever those actions are. Then ask him. Yes, you actually should ask him directly whether he is gay -- if that remains your suspicion. If you ask without being confrontational, you have a better chance of getting an honest answer. Tell him why you are suspicious. You can add that you love him and that you want him to be happy. If it is in his soul to be with another man, it is important for him to figure that out now. You may need counseling to help you work through this.