DEAR HARRIETTE: I bought some expensive shoes, and my husband found out and told me to take them back to the store. Bills are tight, and he was counting on using the money to buy our car new tires. I took them to the store, and they told me they don’t give refunds. My husband was understanding and told me to keep the shoes, that I deserve them and he would figure out a way to get the money for new tires.

I felt guilty for not talking to him before a big purchase, so I was able to sell the shoes to someone and get the money back. But my husband was upset that I got rid of the shoes after he told me to keep them. He feels like I keep undermining him as a man, but I was only trying to right my wrongs. I’m so confused. Did I do the right thing? -- Gender Roles

DEAR GENDER ROLES: What you need is clearer communication. It’s understandable that you felt guilty after not communicating your desire for the shoes to your husband before buying them. Your guilt, however, continued to drive your actions without keeping your husband in the loop.

Now you two need to sit down and talk. Tell your husband you were not trying to undermine him. Explain that you felt bad and wanted to right your wrong. You now realize it would have been much better to talk it through with him. You could have mentioned that you would look to see if you could sell the shoes. Who knows if he would have liked that idea? To get on the same page, make an effort to talk to each other more and work through your issues and differences. This should help to bring you closer.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My fiancee and I are police officers. We met on the job, and I would tell her while we were dating that one day I would marry her, and she could quit the job so I would know she would be safe.

Now that we are engaged, I brought up the topic of her quitting, and she just keeps brushing it off and making excuses. I didn’t make a fuss because I know she loves the job. Now she is pregnant and still wants to work desk duty until she delivers the baby and wants to return to work after delivering the baby. I don’t think we both need to be working full-time and putting our newborn baby into daycare. How can I approach this conversation and get her to understand where I am coming from? -- Stay at Home

DEAR STAY AT HOME: It sounds like you told your fiancee many times that you would make it possible for her to stop working after you were married. Did you ever ask her if that’s what she wanted? Your note sounds like you made the presumption that she agreed. Did she ever tell you her desires?

Right now, it sounds like she clearly wants to keep working. You two have to work this out together. You cannot decide for her what she is going to do. As a family, you need to talk it out, figure out options for child care and your careers. Just because your thinking makes perfect sense to you does not mean that she shares your beliefs. Do your best not to try to coerce her into your way of thinking. Talk it out and make a plan together.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have had a crush on this guy for years. We became friends and started seeing each other, but after a while it just felt like he lost interest, and we fell off. We stopped talking and seeing each other. Since then I’ve remained single, and every few months we reconnect and talk for a while, but it's not long before we fall off again.

Sometimes I get so disappointed about nothing changing between us that I block him to keep him off my mind, but I always end up looking him up again just to see that he has left me a message during the time I’ve written him off. I don’t want to stay in this circle of getting my hopes up waiting for his feelings to change. What can I do to fight the urge to look back and stop revisiting something that will never happen? -- Waiting on Nothing

DEAR WAITING ON NOTHING: You need to do a self-evaluation. What do you want, and what do you believe you deserve? Crushing on someone almost always means that it is one-sided. Your obsession, lust and curiosity about this man seem to be clouding your vision of reality.

What can you do? You can speak directly to him, state the obvious -- that you like him -- and ask him if he wants to give it a go. If he waffles or otherwise does not commit (which is likely, based on your history), step away. Stop searching for him. Stop longing for him. Give yourself the mental and emotional space to be available to someone who may truly want to be with you.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I accidentally revealed to my best friend’s boyfriend that she has been talking to her ex. I thought that he knew they were still friends because he is in our friend group, but she had been lying to him about the extent of their friendship. He broke up with her, and she has been an absolute wreck over the breakup.

I feel terrible and guilty because it is all my fault. I didn’t know she was lying to him about being friends with her ex, and she never told me not to say anything. Maybe I was an absentminded friend. Our other mutual friends told me to take it to the grave and let them sort it out, but I can’t stand by, keeping this secret while she cries. Should I come clean? -- Slipped Up

DEAR SLIPPED UP: What good will it possibly do for you to tell your friend that you revealed this information to her boyfriend? She is already emotionally wrecked. Your revelation will only make her feel worse. It will not help her to heal.

By the way, it is not all your fault that they broke up. She is the one who was engaging with her ex and lying about it. Of course this is unfortunate, but she is going to have to deal with her own feelings and actions and figure out a way forward. When the time comes, if it comes, you can reveal your role in the revelation. For now, if she wants to talk about this, encourage her to think deeply about what she wants for her life, so that she can choose wisely.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I worked for several months on a project that culminated in a big public event. As the lead on this project, I brought in another company to coproduce with me. Together we did an excellent job -- by all accounts. When the event was over, the head of the company called my partner to say thank you but did not call me. I thought that was rude. I am the one who brought everyone together. While my partner definitely had an important role in the event, I found it odd that the big boss didn’t think to thank me.

I know I have to get past these hurt feelings, but also I think it’s important for him to know that my team coordinated the entire effort. Also, I don’t want him to go over my head in the future and choose to hire my partner and cut me out of the deal. How should I handle this? -- Taking the Lead

DEAR TAKING THE LEAD: It’s perfectly understandable for you to expect that your client would acknowledge you as the leader of the project you were hired to fulfill. But you are right: You cannot let your feelings get in the way.

Instead, as the leader, be proactive. Send a thank-you note to him and his staff, extending your appreciation to him for hiring you and your partner for this project. Reiterate that you hope they continue to be pleased with the results of the event. Then add that you hope they will think of you for future projects.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I started visiting a coffee shop once a week to have a chance to get outside and do some work in a different setting. This coffee shop is typically empty and only allows a few customers in at a time. It is around the corner from my apartment, so I enjoy going there.

A new barista recently started there. He is nice and makes good drinks, but he is super flirty and chatty. I spend a good amount of time there, and he will constantly come over to my table and compliment me and talk to me and ask me out on dates. I have turned him down and told him I just want some alone time to get my work done, but he doesn’t stop. I don’t want to find a new shop, but this barista is disturbing. What should I do? -- Chatty Coffee Shop

DEAR CHATTY COFFEE SHOP: The next time he approaches you inappropriately, tell him clearly and directly that he is making you uncomfortable. Point out that you come to this coffee shop regularly, and he is making you feel that you should stop coming. Tell him that you intend to report him to his supervisor if he does not stop. Give him a chance to back off.

If he continues, make a beeline for his boss and describe the offensive behavior. You are perfectly within your rights to have a peaceful experience devoid of harassment at this coffee shop.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)