life

Grandmother Tries To Take Grandson From His Mom

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | September 18th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My parents are divorced, and I have not had an in-person relationship with my mother for five years. My son is now 7 years old. My mother and I still had each other on social media, and she has been trolling and feuding with me about many different things that I post -- things that pertain to my son and being a mother. It's no surprise that she disagrees with all my choices and everything I do with my son.

I blocked her from everything so that she can no longer watch my life and criticize me, especially since she is not in our lives anymore. Some time after blocking her, my husband and I got served with papers that say she is trying to get custody of my son. She only met him when he was a baby. She doesn’t know him at all. She is calling us unfit parents and a danger to our son. Now we have to face court to defend ourselves to keep our son. How can she do this? Does she have any chance of winning? -- Don't Take My Son

DEAR DON’T TAKE MY SON: Get an attorney immediately and share everything that you know with him. Any communication you have received from your mother, on social media or otherwise, can be used as evidence -- for or against you. Identify friends and family members who will vouch for your role as a mother and friend. Find out where your father stands in this situation. Gather your forces so that you can fight your mother if needed. Stay calm and make sure you pay close attention to your son to ensure that he is safe. Good luck.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for September 18, 2020

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | September 18th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My co-workers are always gossiping. I am very open and friendly, but I don’t appreciate them talking about other co-workers' business. I do not take part in it. One day, someone asked me why I always ditch them mid-conversation. They said if I plan on being rude, I should stop joining them altogether. I said, “As soon as we go from talking regular to talking crap, you lose my respect.”

Looking back, I think I could have said this differently, but I felt attacked for trying to do the right thing and walk away from a bad conversation. When I was questioned and dismissed, I kind of snapped. How can I, walking away from that type of conversation, not be obvious as to why? How am I the one ridiculed? I don’t want negative energy at work, but I feel like it’s already present, and now I’m probably the topic of their little clique. I want to neutralize the situation and go back to associating with co-workers and respectfully excusing myself when I become uncomfortable. -- Neutral Co-worker

DEAR NEUTRAL CO-WORKER: You cannot control your co-workers, but you can acknowledge to them that you know you were harsh when you responded to them. Tell them you enjoy talking to them, but you just don’t like to gossip. When folks begin to talk about others, you like to step off. You aren’t judging them; that’s just not your thing.

If they stay upset, stick to your principles. Being an ally includes standing up for what’s right even if it isn’t popular.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Boyfriend Drags Feet on Introductions

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | September 17th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been dating my boyfriend for over a year now, and I have not met any of his friends, or any family either. To be fair, he has not met my parents because I am very strategic about who meets my parents, and he knows that. However, he has met my closest friends.

Every time I ask to meet his friends, I feel like he is giving me excuses. At this point, it makes me feel like I am being hidden. We have had a conversation about it, but it never seems to happen. Am I wrong for wanting to meet his friends and family, or is it still too early? -- Girl With Potential

DEAR GIRL WITH POTENTIAL: Looks like both of you have been holding back a bit, with your boyfriend being more extreme. You need to ask yourself what you want in this relationship. If you think it is serious and you want to be committed to this man, it is time for you to have that talk. You can tell him what you want and ask him what he wants. Be direct, so that there’s no room for squirming.

If you want to see where this can lead, including to a long-term commitment, tell him that you don’t think that is possible without your friends and family knowing both of you. Ask him what he has to hide. Stick to your guns. If he refuses to include you in the rest of his life, that is a sign that he is not serious.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for September 17, 2020

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | September 17th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My young daughter is an aspiring model. She recently did a photo shoot for a headshot. During the photo shoot, the company we booked was supposed to send a kid-friendly photographer. When we got there, the photographer and his assistant had never done professional photos with children before. He turned out to be horrible with children: He was very stern, yelled a bit and was not patient at all. My daughter ended up crying, at which point I told him I wanted to cancel and book with someone else, but he told me that there was no refund -- I could cancel, but I would have to pay someone else again. I don’t feel that I should have to pay for a service I was not satisfied with, especially when he had no experience with a child for this gig.

After I received the photos, his assistant reached out to me saying that she had lost the payment paperwork and asking me to resubmit it. This photographer was rude, and I do not like how my daughter’s photos came out. I’m ready to contact them back and tell them “Too bad.” Because I was unhappy and they lost the payment for something I didn’t want to pay for anyway, that’s on them. I don’t want any bad karma by not holding up my end of the deal, but the other half of me feels like I got lucky and maybe this is their karma. Should I pay for the services or keep my money to book a better photographer? -- Depending on Karma

DEAR DEPENDING ON KARMA: Count your blessings. Do not pay the photographer. Contact the company to formally express your disappointment in how the shoot was handled. If they balk, contact your local consumer protection office or the Better Business Bureau to lodge a formal complaint against the company.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Teen Son Hangs Out With Older Crowd

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | September 16th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My son has been eager to get back outside with his friends for the remainder of the summer. We haven’t figured out whether school will be physically in session or not. He’s expressed missing his friends and feeling locked up and not having anything to look forward to. So with all the right precautions, I let him go down to our local park to play basketball and exercise.

I’ve been speaking to some of his friends’ moms, and they haven’t let their kids go to the park. When I asked who he has been hanging out with, it turned out to be older men in their twenties and thirties working out at the park. My son is only 13. If he isn’t hanging out with his own friends who I know or kids his age, I am not comfortable with him being outside associating with these grown men I do not know. I don’t want to tell him he can’t go to the park anymore, but I don’t think he’ll understand that I do not want him hanging out with these older new friends either. How can I give him freedom while still protecting him? -- Quarantine Mom

DEAR QUARANTINE MOM: This is simple. Your son should not go and play with grown men who are unknown to him. Period. You can go with him one day to see who is there and to observe the interaction. But unless you can identify someone you know, you should not let him hang out with them. That is for safety reasons on more than one front. You want to limit your son’s interaction with everyone, especially people he doesn’t know. And you want to make sure that he isn’t exposed to behavior or enticements unbefitting a teenage boy.

Talk again to his friends’ moms to see if any of them would be willing to organize socially distanced gatherings with your son. That’s the best alternative, in my book.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for September 16, 2020

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | September 16th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a stay-at-home mother, and my husband works from home now. We have three kids and two dogs, a full house. We start our day early and end in the late evening. My husband is in his office most of this time. We have tried to create work and personal life balance with boundaries. He does not work outside of his office, and he keeps work between certain hours.

Even though we have found our rhythm, I feel so alone and programmed without a break. My kids need attention every second, and my husband is close but not here most hours of the days. When I do get a break, I feel exhausted and don’t know how to relax. My home is supposed to be my sanctuary, but being home and never needing to go anywhere, I’m not enjoying my breaks. What can help in this situation to put my mind at ease? -- Stir Crazy

DEAR STIR CRAZY: Step back, take a breath and reassess the situation. Yes, it is stressful. But much of it is likely similar to life before COVID-19. Think about what you managed then and what is different now. Assign your children specific responsibilities that give you a bit of flexibility.

Let your husband know that you desperately need his help. Even if it’s one hour each day after work, you need him to engage the children so that you can have an hour off. Don’t complain when you talk to him about this. Explain that this is what you need in order to keep the family in check.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

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