life

After Dating a Year, Boyfriend Realizes He’s Gay

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | June 24th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been going out with this sweet guy from my high school for a year now. During coronoavirus, everything got weird because we haven’t been able to see each other. During one of our many “talks” on Snapchat, he told me that he doesn’t want to date anymore because he’s gay. What? Never in all the time that we have been together has he done anything to make me think he is gay.

I’m shocked. It’s not that I have an issue with gay people, but how could I not have known? We used to spend so much time together. He was so respectful. We were close, but he never tried to make me have sex with him. I thought that was him being a gentleman. Now my whole sense of how to know if somebody really likes me like that is wrecked. I thought I was in love with him only to find out none of it was true. I am so mad, but I don’t know what to say or do. -- Duped

DEAR DUPED: I’m sorry that your boyfriend did not turn out to be the guy for you. It sounds like you two are friends and possibly even close. It also sounds like he has been grappling with questions about his identity. Perhaps this time of quarantine helped him come to terms with who he is in a more profound and direct way. Unfortunately, it has impacted you, and you are hurt. That’s understandable.

Talk this out with him. Ask him to share his thoughts, feelings and experiences with you. What happened to make him realize that your relationship needed to be different?

Also, please know that it is possible for you to find someone who cares deeply for you who will not try to force you to do anything that you do not want, and who will take it slow. Straight boys can be gentlemen, too.

As it relates to this young man, tell him how you feel. He bears some responsibility for supporting you through this breakup and time of awakening for him. It may be possible for you to remain friends as you transition the nature of your relationship.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for June 24, 2020

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | June 24th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: To the person who is suffering from skin breakouts despite having a good skin care regimen: Changing your pillowcase is half the battle! It's more than washing your face; if you wash your face at night and lay down on a dirty pillowcase for seven hours, it’s like you've done nothing. -- Change Your Case

DEAR CHANGE YOUR CASE: What simple, practical advice. You can have the most elaborate cleansing routine in the world, but if your sheets and pillowcase are soiled, you have defeated your chances of maintaining cleanliness. Ideally, you should change your bed linens once each week. Of course, if your pillowcase gets soiled before that time, change it the moment it is not clean.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Readers Offer Suggestions for Unemployed Nanny

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | June 23rd, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR READERS: I made a mistake -- even after doing some research -- on an important and timely topic, so I want to share reader feedback that may be of value to you.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Your response to the person's writing about unemployment for their nanny was not accurate.

In general, the nanny would be eligible for unemployment under the emergency Cares Act legislation passed during this crisis. This is a reference to the $600 per week that the federal government has allowed to be added to a person's state unemployment. The act allows for self-employed people to receive benefits when normally they are not allowed. Depending on the state, usually no proof of income is needed; it is a flat amount for all.

Also, the nanny would be eligible for the Small Business Administration's Paycheck Protection Program. However, documentation of income and proof of employment before the crisis hit would be needed. Like you state in your response, the nanny probably did not file taxes; if she did, she would qualify.

There is still plenty of money left in the program, and going to your community bank is the best option for better service. -- Money Left

DEAR MONEY LEFT: Thank you for sharing this information. Further research suggests that it remains difficult to get dollars from the PPP, but it certainly is worth a try.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for June 23, 2020

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | June 23rd, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: It is never a good idea for a columnist to give legal advice. I live in California and worked at the Employment Development Department -- the government organization that handles unemployment claims. I am writing about the employer who did not report their nanny’s wages. You said the nanny could not get unemployment. In California, that is not true, and it may not be true in other states as well.

If the nanny files for unemployment and the wages have not been reported, an investigation will be initiated. If the investigation finds the nanny should have been considered an employee, she will receive unemployment, and the employer will have to pay back taxes with penalty and interest. So when asked if a person is eligible for unemployment or disability, I always tell people to apply and let the government make the determination. -- In the Know

DEAR IN THE KNOW: Thank you for pointing this out. Perhaps the biggest lesson you reveal is the liability that the employer has if he or she does NOT report income for a household employee (or any other employee, for that matter). Employers are required to pay income taxes.

Perhaps this pandemic has helped or will help to wake up individuals who have been negligent in reporting income to the government. It simply is not worth it to do that. If you have paid more than $2,100 to someone, you are required by law to report the payment and pay taxes on it.

For more information, go to irs.gov/newsroom/tax-situations-when-taking-care-of-a-family-member.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Reader Vexed By Man’s Accolades

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | June 22nd, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I just saw an announcement for a promotion and award for a man I have known for many years. When I knew him, he was a cheat. Among other things, he “bought” something from me and never paid for it. I followed up multiple times, and he just blew me off, saying he was broke and he would pay me when he could. Now I see his face glowing with his accolades, and it turns my stomach.

Should I reach out to him and say something? Should I ask him for my money? I wonder what is the right thing to do, all things considered. I don’t mean to be petty, but he is hardly an upstanding citizen in my book. On the other hand, it’s not like he is running for president. His accolades don’t really make a difference in my life. I just hate that he’s being lauded as this perfect person when I know he is not. -- Liar

DEAR LIAR: Evaluate your knowledge about this man and the award he is receiving. Are the transgressions you know about him worth exposing him at this time? This is important in gaining perspective. For example, when someone has committed a heinous crime like sexual assault or money laundering and is running for president of the United States or even president of a company, it would be wise to say something -- even though often the one speaking up gets maligned rather than the one being accused. Your moral compass has to guide your steps on this.

In your case, if this man did commit a crime by not paying for goods received, but you think it was a small transgression, you may choose to forgive him. Even with forgiveness, the time may come when you communicate with him and let him know that you are happy for his current success, but you still remember when his behavior was dishonorable, specifically toward you. You can ask him to right those wrongs. My recommendation would be to do so privately.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for June 22, 2020

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | June 22nd, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: Your advice to “Luddite” about using her off hours to get up to speed on technology was spot on. I'm an IT professional, and sometimes look for technology updates and tutorials on YouTube. Another excellent source of free tutorials that provides feedback on learning is Free Online Learning at GFCGlobal, edu.gcfglobal.org/en. -- Computer Help Desk Professional

DEAR COMPUTER HELP DESK PROFESSIONAL: I am a big believer in taking action to improve your life. It can seem daunting to approach simple technology when you don’t understand it. But we cannot give in. Instead, do the research, figure out what you don’t know and seek out help to learn. Nobody is expected to naturally know how to use various programs. Your downfall is if you do not take the steps to get educated. Thank you for the resources you have offered.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

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