life

Daughter’s Boyfriend Pressuring Her for Nudes

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | May 22nd, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I overheard my daughter talking to her boyfriend the other day. He was pressing her to take topless photos to send to him. They are seniors in high school, and I know that they have engaged in some degree of intimacy. I’m not so happy about it, but I know this is true. But sending nude pictures is a bad idea and will likely lead to embarrassment -- or worse -- for her. How can I get her to listen to me when she already thinks she is grown? -- Drawing the Line

DEAR DRAWING THE LINE: Ideally you should be in constant conversation with your daughter about life choices and cause and effect. As she is growing up, she needs to have your family’s values repeated to her often so that when she makes decisions, she can hear your voice in her head.

In this case, be direct. Tell her that you overheard her conversation with her boyfriend. Point out that you weren’t snooping, but you did hear it, and you are concerned. Explain to her that sending nude pictures via the phone or computer can be dangerous for a number of reasons. For starters, once the photos leave her device, she no longer has control over them. Anyone may potentially see them, leaving her vulnerable to ill-meaning people. If discovered sometime down the line by the wrong people, it could hurt her chances to get into the college of her choice or the internship or job she has been longing for.

She probably doesn’t know that it is also considered child pornography if she is under 18, and both she and her boyfriend could get arrested if it were ever discovered by the police. Strongly suggest that she not take this action. It will be bad for her and her boyfriend in the long run.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for May 22, 2020

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | May 22nd, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m really concerned about how much I drink. Ever since we have been quarantined at home, I have been drinking more than ever. I know it’s too much, but I can’t seem to stop myself. I have even taken to ordering from my local liquor store and having them deliver once a week. I know it’s because I’m bored and lonely, but I need to stop. What do you recommend, given that I am stuck in my house? -- Alcoholic

DEAR ALCOHOLIC: Congratulations on taking the first step to helping yourself. It takes a lot to admit your vulnerabilities. By stating what you know to be a problem and asking for help, you are setting yourself up for success. The good news is that there are online resources that can support you. A trusted source is Alcoholics Anonymous, an organization of people who are working to become sober and stay that way by talking to each other about their lives and their challenges. They now offer virtual meetings. Go to aa.org/pages/en_US/options-for-meeting-online to sign up. You can also call the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration Helpline at 800-662-HELP, or go to their website for support, samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline. Good luck to you.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Co-Worker Wants To Be Invited to Virtual Happy Hours

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | May 21st, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: Now that people are hosting virtual parties all the time, there is a whole new social scene to worry about. I just learned that a group of my co-workers who used to hang out on Friday nights after work sometimes host a virtual cocktail party, and they haven’t invited me. Now, to be fair, I didn’t go every week to their gathering because I have a kid and I often had to get home early. But now that I’m already home, I could easily join them. I don’t want to be left out, but I’m not sure how to handle this. Is it OK for me to ask if they would invite me the next time they get together? -- Left Out

DEAR LEFT OUT: Now is the time for you to speak up and let the group know that you would love to get together with them. Rather than making it a group ask, though, you should identify one team member with whom you have the closest relationship and tell that person that you would love to get together with them. Be upfront about it, saying how it was difficult for you when the group would hang out after work and you had to get home to your child, but it is much easier now. The other person you might want to contact is whomever you see as the organizer. If one person stands out in that role, reach out to him or her, and ask to be included in the next virtual get-together.

If they are slow to invite you, consider creating your own one-on-one get-togethers with your co-workers where the two of you can use video streaming technology so that you can see each other. Just spend some time getting reacquainted. Over time, they may decide to include you in the fold of the larger group.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for May 21, 2020

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | May 21st, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My friend is having a small graduation party for his high school senior. He says that the people invited will be sure to stay appropriately separated from one another, but I am skeptical. How can you resist hugging people at a time like this? Also, if people drink alcohol, I think it will be even harder for them to stay socially distanced. I don’t want to be a party pooper. This is such an important time in this family’s life, and we are very close. What can I do? -- Graduation During COVID-19

DEAR GRADUATION DURING COVID-19: You may want to suggest that your friend add one more dimension to the party. Some of the parties being planned these days for special events like graduations are drive-by parties. While a small group of people may be together on the premises, many drive to the home and stay in their cars. Sometimes people toot their horns to acknowledge the festivities. Often, people drop off gifts to the honoree without ever getting out of their cars. A designated family member accepts the gifts, wearing gloves and masks. The honoree gets to see the people who are coming to celebrate without ever running the risk of getting too close.

If your friend doesn’t like that idea, you can attend the party for a brief period, bring a gift, wear your mask and leave before people get tipsy and forget to follow the social distancing rules.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Parent Shocked by Teen’s TV Choices

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | May 20th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I walked into my teenage daughter’s room and saw that she was watching a program that had pretty overt sexual activity in it. When we talked, she told me that almost all of the teenage-focused programs these days have nudity and some kind of sexual activity. I was aghast. My daughter is a good girl, as teenagers go. I don’t think she is engaged in sexual activity herself yet, but I don’t want her to be able to see some of the things that are shown on these programs. She showed me some examples of popular teen shows on the streaming services, and she was right. ALL of them had sexual activity in them. I don’t want to ban her from TV. Honestly, I don’t know if that would really work anyway. What can I do to protect her? -- Rated R

DEAR RATED R: Continue to talk to your daughter about what you believe is appropriate for her to observe and what you wish would come much later. I remember when my daughter was younger, I would have her turn her head if anything suggestive came on TV. It wasn’t that we were watching inappropriate fare, either. For some time now, television programming has been dotted with age-inappropriate material. Because of that training, I can now say to my teenager that she should turn her head if something obviously inappropriate comes on.

Another approach I take is to watch programming with her and talk about what is being explored so that she isn’t sitting with that content on her own. Finally, you can check with commonsensemedia.org to determine what is appropriate for her age group. Encourage her to take responsibility for what she consumes. This will help her when you are not looking.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for May 20, 2020

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | May 20th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have some friends who are not working. Either they lost their jobs because of coronavirus, or they were already retired. Whatever the reason is, they have a lot of free time on their hands. Meanwhile, I’m still working two jobs in order to take care of my family. I am grateful to have them, but I am also worn out at the end of each day.

My friends call the moment they think I am home. They want to talk. I need some time to wind down, but if I don’t answer the phone, they call incessantly, claiming they are worried whether I am safe and healthy. I appreciate their concern, but I need some space. How can I manage my friendships? I love them and want to be there for them, but I also need to take care of myself. What should I do? -- Seeking Balance

DEAR SEEKING BALANCE: Suggest that you do a group text check-in with your friends so that everybody knows you are all OK. Make it clear that you cannot talk every night. Schedule longer conversations every week or every other week at a time when you can devote an extended period of time to conversation. Manage that chat by inviting them to talk about their lives. People love to talk. If you let your friends unload, you will have to say less while still being engaged and present with those that you love.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

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