life

Co-Worker Wants To Be Invited to Virtual Happy Hours

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | May 21st, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: Now that people are hosting virtual parties all the time, there is a whole new social scene to worry about. I just learned that a group of my co-workers who used to hang out on Friday nights after work sometimes host a virtual cocktail party, and they haven’t invited me. Now, to be fair, I didn’t go every week to their gathering because I have a kid and I often had to get home early. But now that I’m already home, I could easily join them. I don’t want to be left out, but I’m not sure how to handle this. Is it OK for me to ask if they would invite me the next time they get together? -- Left Out

DEAR LEFT OUT: Now is the time for you to speak up and let the group know that you would love to get together with them. Rather than making it a group ask, though, you should identify one team member with whom you have the closest relationship and tell that person that you would love to get together with them. Be upfront about it, saying how it was difficult for you when the group would hang out after work and you had to get home to your child, but it is much easier now. The other person you might want to contact is whomever you see as the organizer. If one person stands out in that role, reach out to him or her, and ask to be included in the next virtual get-together.

If they are slow to invite you, consider creating your own one-on-one get-togethers with your co-workers where the two of you can use video streaming technology so that you can see each other. Just spend some time getting reacquainted. Over time, they may decide to include you in the fold of the larger group.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for May 21, 2020

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | May 21st, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My friend is having a small graduation party for his high school senior. He says that the people invited will be sure to stay appropriately separated from one another, but I am skeptical. How can you resist hugging people at a time like this? Also, if people drink alcohol, I think it will be even harder for them to stay socially distanced. I don’t want to be a party pooper. This is such an important time in this family’s life, and we are very close. What can I do? -- Graduation During COVID-19

DEAR GRADUATION DURING COVID-19: You may want to suggest that your friend add one more dimension to the party. Some of the parties being planned these days for special events like graduations are drive-by parties. While a small group of people may be together on the premises, many drive to the home and stay in their cars. Sometimes people toot their horns to acknowledge the festivities. Often, people drop off gifts to the honoree without ever getting out of their cars. A designated family member accepts the gifts, wearing gloves and masks. The honoree gets to see the people who are coming to celebrate without ever running the risk of getting too close.

If your friend doesn’t like that idea, you can attend the party for a brief period, bring a gift, wear your mask and leave before people get tipsy and forget to follow the social distancing rules.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Parent Shocked by Teen’s TV Choices

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | May 20th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I walked into my teenage daughter’s room and saw that she was watching a program that had pretty overt sexual activity in it. When we talked, she told me that almost all of the teenage-focused programs these days have nudity and some kind of sexual activity. I was aghast. My daughter is a good girl, as teenagers go. I don’t think she is engaged in sexual activity herself yet, but I don’t want her to be able to see some of the things that are shown on these programs. She showed me some examples of popular teen shows on the streaming services, and she was right. ALL of them had sexual activity in them. I don’t want to ban her from TV. Honestly, I don’t know if that would really work anyway. What can I do to protect her? -- Rated R

DEAR RATED R: Continue to talk to your daughter about what you believe is appropriate for her to observe and what you wish would come much later. I remember when my daughter was younger, I would have her turn her head if anything suggestive came on TV. It wasn’t that we were watching inappropriate fare, either. For some time now, television programming has been dotted with age-inappropriate material. Because of that training, I can now say to my teenager that she should turn her head if something obviously inappropriate comes on.

Another approach I take is to watch programming with her and talk about what is being explored so that she isn’t sitting with that content on her own. Finally, you can check with commonsensemedia.org to determine what is appropriate for her age group. Encourage her to take responsibility for what she consumes. This will help her when you are not looking.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for May 20, 2020

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | May 20th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have some friends who are not working. Either they lost their jobs because of coronavirus, or they were already retired. Whatever the reason is, they have a lot of free time on their hands. Meanwhile, I’m still working two jobs in order to take care of my family. I am grateful to have them, but I am also worn out at the end of each day.

My friends call the moment they think I am home. They want to talk. I need some time to wind down, but if I don’t answer the phone, they call incessantly, claiming they are worried whether I am safe and healthy. I appreciate their concern, but I need some space. How can I manage my friendships? I love them and want to be there for them, but I also need to take care of myself. What should I do? -- Seeking Balance

DEAR SEEKING BALANCE: Suggest that you do a group text check-in with your friends so that everybody knows you are all OK. Make it clear that you cannot talk every night. Schedule longer conversations every week or every other week at a time when you can devote an extended period of time to conversation. Manage that chat by inviting them to talk about their lives. People love to talk. If you let your friends unload, you will have to say less while still being engaged and present with those that you love.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Co-Workers Turn Off Video During Conferences

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | May 19th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My company has videoconference calls every day, often several times during the day. I have noticed that the women hardly ever show their faces. We just see their names across a blank screen, even when they are talking. The men typically show their faces. I imagine this is because nobody can get to the hairdresser or any other grooming place, and women don’t feel pulled together now. I wonder what the etiquette is for participating in these calls. My gut says it would be much better for people to be fully participatory, meaning showing their faces. -- Video Call Etiquette

DEAR VIDEO CALL ETIQUETTE: The new business world includes ongoing videoconferencing for many people. I agree with you that it is smart to be visible on these calls, at least when you first join in on the call and whenever you speak. In this way, you humanize yourself during the conversation.

It is also true that many people are struggling with grooming and maintenance during this extended period under stay-at-home orders. To all, I suggest that you figure out how to look your best professionally, and that should include what you wear. You may not need to wear a suit jacket, but think about your industry and who will be on the various calls you have. Dress appropriately for that moment. Be sure that your hair is neat. Also pay attention to your background to ensure that you move anything out of the shot that you would prefer not be seen.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for May 19, 2020

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | May 19th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My town is reopening, and I am so scared. When I listen to the news, I hear many conflicting messages. On one hand, they say that if we continue to stay six feet apart and wear our masks, we can go back to work. I know that we need to begin to turn things around, but I am worried.

I have underlying health conditions, but nobody knows. I’m afraid to say anything because I might lose my job, even after my company allowed all of us to stay on payroll when we were closed. I don’t know what to do. Should I speak to HR or my boss about my concerns? Should I go in and just hope for the best? Should I stay home? What do you recommend? -- Back to Work

DEAR BACK TO WORK: Start with your primary care physician. Schedule a call to discuss how you can go back to work safely. Ask for advice on what you can do that will be safest for you. If your doctor doesn't want you to go back to work, get a written note stating that you have been asked to stay at home for medical reasons for a particular period of time. Your doctor does not need to state what your circumstances are, just that you have a medical reason for staying at home. Talk to your employer about how you can do your job remotely for an extended period of time.

If your doctor says you can go back to work, be careful. Keep your surfaces and hands clean. Wear a mask consistently. Do not touch people. Do not let your guard down -- even if co-workers brush off the precautions as frivolous. Stay vigilant.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

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