DEAR HARRIETTE: My grandma died this week, and it is so sad. We weren’t able to visit her in her nursing home or in the hospital because of the rules about COVID-19. Now it’s time for us to put her to rest. I can’t decide what to do. I could host a tiny funeral with 10 guests or fewer. Or I could wait indefinitely to host a bigger event after the gathering restrictions are relaxed. Or the funeral home suggested a virtual event. I don’t know what to do. What do you recommend? -- End of Life

DEAR END OF LIFE: I am so very sorry for your loss. It is always hard to lose a loved one. It is exponentially worse right now for the reasons you are experiencing. Not being able to comfort loved ones during their time of transition can be excruciating for all parties. Not being able to say goodbye in a communal mourning experience can feel incomplete. And yet, that is what we are charged with managing these days.

What I’m learning is that every family has to figure out what works best for you and your family dynamics. A fair compromise for many people is a combination event, where a small group of 10 or fewer can be in the space of the event. That way you can see one another’s faces and be with each other while practicing social distancing. At the same time, live-streaming the event is kind for all of the loved ones who are unable to attend. If you can get the funeral home to handle the stream, it is great because they are professionals and are not emotionally invested in the event. They should be able to capture everything. Consider saving the broadcast so that you can watch it again.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a number of medical issues, and I had doctors’ appointments set up over the next few months to deal with them. Nothing is a medical emergency, but I do need to attend to some things.

It has been almost impossible to get doctors’ appointments because of the shutdown. I was told that I should not go to my doctors’ offices because it could cause a health risk. In one case, my doctor was too busy dealing with the overflow from coronavirus patients. Now several weeks have passed, and I am concerned that I am letting my issues go unattended. What can I do to make sure that I stay on top of my health? I don’t think it’s smart to table my issues, even though this crisis is really huge. -- Minding My Health

DEAR MINDING MY HEALTH: Request telehealth calls with your primary care physician and any other physician you might need to speak with. During this call, have a written list of questions and concerns. Take notes about what is discussed. If you think you need in-person follow up, request it. Explain why you feel this way, and request a safe means of addressing your medical issues. The more organized and clear you are, the better your chances of finding the results you desire.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have had a lot of time to think about my life while I’ve been stuck at home. Recently, I have been having nightmares. Some of the things I did in my youth were just awful. As I have flashes of scenes when I was rude or downright mean to people, I shudder to think that was me. But it was. I think I was just trying to figure out relationships or how to get ahead in my work. Whatever it was, I am ashamed of myself for not being more thoughtful to the people around me. I feel like I should contact people and apologize for how I treated them, but I’m worried that this could cause them to have to relive these painful moments again. Or maybe it wasn’t so bad for them? I’m not sure what to do, but right now I feel overwhelmed with disgust over my behavior. -- Disgusted

DEAR DISGUSTED: It is good to take stock of your life and to address hurtful behaviors from your past. Before you reach out to people you have hurt, though, play the scenario all the way out. What benefit will your outreach have for them? And how best might they receive your amends? Some situations should remain buried.

In other cases, you might send a card saying you were thinking about the person and hope they are doing well as you also apologize for hurting them in the past. In certain instances, it may be right to call and talk to a person directly. If so, don’t dredge up the past. Just say that you are sorry for what you did that caused them pain.

Know that the first step is forgiving yourself for your hurtful behavior. From that posture of humility, you can make the effort to make amends. Know that you cannot control how people will respond.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My teenage daughter is going crazy with makeup these days. While we are at home, she is having too much fun. She is trying all kinds of styles, and in a way it’s fun, but since she has Zoom classes, her friends are seeing her -- and she’s getting some blowback. When she shows her face all adorned in crazy makeup, kids make comments that are often negative. Teenagers can be mean, but also I don’t think she should go crazy with makeup when she’s going to class. I would rather she did that after class. When she’s talking to her friends on social media and looking nuts. that’s one thing. With the teacher, it is something totally different. How can I get the point across to her that I want her to express her creativity as she also remains appropriate for her school? -- Walking the Line

DEAR WALKING THE LINE: Talk to your daughter about timing. There is a time and a place for everything. When she is in class, it’s ideal for her to show up ready to do her work without presenting herself in such a way that will be distracting. Her job is to be an attentive and participatory student. Ask her what she thinks her responsibilities are to that end. Let her share her thoughts.

Point out that you think it’s fun for her to explore her creativity, but you recommend that she do so after school hours. In this way, she doesn’t become a source of discomfort for herself or her class.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I feel like I’m constantly under attack in my marriage. Whenever my husband calls out my name, I cringe because I expect him to disparage me about something. It could be the littlest thing. Like, if he can’t find something, he sharply calls out my name and speaks in a berating tone, asking where the thing is. If he is talking about something that I don’t know about, he will look at me with his eyes big and wide, suck his teeth and ask how it is possible that I don’t know that thing. Whatever the topic, usually he treats me like I’m stupid if I can’t immediately join the conversation exactly where he is or have the solution to his problem. This may seem small, buy I really don’t know what to do. I am tired of always being under his surveillance. How can I get him to be kind to me? -- Under Fire

DEAR UNDER FIRE: Have you tried to tell him how his tone makes you feel? I know that may seem like a daunting task, but he needs to know that the way he speaks to you is upsetting. You can go one step further and ask him to go to counseling with you. Tell him you love him and want to strengthen your bond. Right now you are feeling very uncomfortable in your relationship. Tell him that you think a professional counselor might be able to help the two of you get back on track.

If he is unwilling, or if this upsets him more, think about removing yourself from this marriage. Do you think that your husband is being verbally abusive? The signs include: condescension, critical comments, blame, threats and accusations, among others. If you are worried that you are stuck in a relationship that is unhealthy, reach out for help. You can call the National Domestic Violence hotline at 1-800-799-7233. For more information, go to joinonelove.org/learn/11-common-patterns-verbal-abuse/.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I was recently given a promotion at my job. I was excited about that until I learned that it’s a bit complicated. I was up for this promotion for more than a year, and I have been super patient and basically just waiting. My boss had promised it to me a while back. But now that I got it, I learned that I can’t get my raise until some indefinite time down the line. Because of the economic situation we are in, they are unwilling to give more money even though they do expect more work. We aren’t in a union, so I don’t feel like I have much leverage here. Should I go along in hopes that when things get better I’ll get a raise, or should I demand my increase now? -- Time for a Raise

TIME FOR A RAISE: We are living through unprecedented times in which the economy is turned upside down and everyone is trying to figure out how to survive. Within this context, patience and faith are key. Do your best at your new job despite the pay freeze. Trust that in time, as the economy improves, you will get your due. Your boss probably can’t put a timeline on this as nobody knows how or when the economy will improve. With that in mind, work hard and believe that your paycheck will come.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)