life

Betrothed Questions When To Reschedule Wedding

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | April 17th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I had to postpone my wedding because of COVID-19. Just a week before it was scheduled, my city stopped issuing marriage licenses. We had people coming from all over the United States and even a few family members from overseas. Now it’s all gone to hell, and we’ve had to cancel. We lost a bit of money from the venue because of the late notice. I get it. They have to survive, too. But now I don’t know what to do. We have no idea when we will be able to get married now. Should I bother setting a new date or just wait until later on in the year to see what happens? I need to tell my guests something. -- New Wedding Date

DEAR NEW WEDDING DATE: I’m sure you don’t want to hear this, but the safest solution right now is to postpone your wedding indefinitely. It is risky to book a venue now when we are unclear as to when the quarantining and travel bans will end. You don’t want to risk losing another deposit because you chose to place a hold on a space and may have to change that as well. Of course, if a venue is willing to be flexible and work with you on your date without penalizing you if it has to change again, you may want to stake a claim. I would push it out until the end of the year, though, so that you have the best chance of things being settled and clearer as to what we can and cannot do as a culture by then.

I’m so sorry for this delay, but I will say that a marriage that lasts undergoes many hardships. Sadly, yours has started even before you officially say, “I do.”

life

Sense & Sensitivity for April 17, 2020

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | April 17th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend and I have been fighting like cats and dogs for months. I was planning to break up with him at a specific time when we got word that we couldn’t go to restaurants and that we had to stay home. Now we are both in our separate homes. Sometimes when I talk to him, he is nice. Other times, he is his same nasty self. I know we should break up, but I hate doing it over the phone or via email. I don’t want to wait, though, acting like everything is OK until we see each other. Who knows when that will happen? Do you think I should talk to him on the phone or write him a note to say it’s over? -- It’s Over Now

DEAR IT’S OVER NOW: The most sensitive way for you to break up remotely is to speak to each other. Choose either to have a phone call or some kind of face-to-face call. You can use WhatsApp, FaceTime, Zoom or some other technology that allows you to see each other. That’s the most intimate remote option.

Tell your boyfriend that you have something important you want to discuss with him. Set yourself up in a space where you are comfortable and at ease. Be direct and compassionate. Tell your boyfriend that you have been thinking about this for some time, but that circumstances have made it impossible for you to talk in each other’s company. Tell him that it’s over and that you want to break up in the most thoughtful way possible. Talk about your reasons if he wants to know. Be definitive that it’s over before you get off the phone.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Woman’s Social Media Rant Worries Friend

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | April 16th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: A friend of mine, “Mary,” went on a rant on social media, saying really unpleasant things about people and even naming them. Obviously, she was upset, but I think this was an unwise thing to do. Who knows who all will see her posts? Plus, the people Mary was talking about don’t deserve to be talked about so poorly. I’m sure she is feeling stir crazy from being at home for so long.

In her post, Mary was mad at a couple of friends who hadn’t gotten back to her in what she thought was a timely manner while she noticed that they had been communicating with each other back and forth on social media. She felt left out, and she went off on them. I want to step in and get her to cool off and take these posts down. Do you think that I am crossing a line? We are good friends. I would hope that somebody would pull my coattails if I made such a big mistake. -- Having Her Back

DEAR HAVING HER BACK: If you think Mary will hear you, give it a try. Call her and check in. Ask her how she is doing, and let her vent before you get into why you called. She needs to feel heard and supported, so you offer that as a first step.

Once she has said her piece, tell her you have something you want to discuss with her. Point out that you have seen her angry post about your mutual friends. Acknowledge that you understand what she is upset about. Then give context that you wish she would talk to them privately rather than putting her feelings out in the public. Suggest that she take down her post as it could backfire on her if it gets in the wrong hands. Recommend instead that she reach out to her friends and work it out -- or simply let it go.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for April 16, 2020

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | April 16th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I can’t make any sense of this stimulus plan that was just passed. I feel completely overwhelmed right now, but I know that very soon I should be getting money, which I desperately need so that I don’t lose my apartment. Do you know how to figure out how to get the money? I’m told we were promised money for every single American, even people who don’t make a lot. Do you know how to get the money? -- Stimulus

DEAR STIMULUS: You are not alone. The bill was passed recently, and the government is working hard to make it clear to everyone how to get the money that has been allocated for them. Just as we are looking at the news on a daily basis to learn the progress of the disease, we also need to be vigilant about tracking this much-needed money.

My research suggests that if you are a current taxpayer, the IRS already has your address and bank account information. If that is so, you should automatically receive a disbursement to that account. To learn more, go to irs.gov/newsroom/economic-impact-payments-what-you-need-to-know.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Neighbor Won’t Take the Hint About Social Distancing

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | April 15th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I live in New York City in a big apartment complex. Even though I try to stay in my home as much as I can, I do have to go outside to get groceries and sometimes just to get a little fresh air. The problem I’m having -- which is not new -- is that one of my neighbors seems to wait for me to go outside so that he can stalk me. He always seems to be around when I go outside, trying to help me or talk to me. I don’t want him near me -- especially now -- but he doesn’t get the hint. I have been backing off from him for years. What can I say now to get him to stay at a safe distance? -- Back Off

DEAR BACK OFF: Now is not the time for subtlety. You have to be strong, clear and direct with this neighbor. Remind him of the rules of interaction as a result of the new coronavirus. You are supposed to stay a minimum of 6 feet away from anyone you encounter at all times. That includes him. It should even include loved ones, by the way.

If you see him approaching you, put your hands out in the gesture of NO, and state loudly that he should not come any further. Ask him to honor the rules of social distancing. Keep moving. Do not talk to him. If you move with haste, he may get the message.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for April 15, 2020

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | April 15th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: Since we have to stay at home, my husband and I have been purging big-time. We are doing the ultimate spring cleaning. A lot of the stuff we are discarding can just go in the trash, but other things might be of value to others. I just don’t know what to do with it. In the past, I would contact the Salvation Army, Goodwill or a local consignment store. What should I do now when most businesses are closed? -- Giveaways

DEAR GIVEAWAYS: My research suggests that you have to check in your hometown to see which of these charitable organizations are accepting donations. Apparently, in some cities, people have been dropping off their belongings in the wrong places, thereby creating dumping grounds that will be of no use to people who need the items. Call any of the organizations to ensure that you can give them your items and how to coordinate. Include local houses of worship. In some instances, there are drop-off times and locations posted. You really do need to check before delivering anything.

You also need to verify with your trash service to ensure that if you decide just to throw the items away that you aren’t overly stretching the capacity there either. A solution if you are only allowed a certain amount of trash each day is to spread out your purge so that you don’t overload your trash removal, but you still have the opportunity to throw out quite a few things.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

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