life

As Homelessness Increases, So Do Requests

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | March 30th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have noticed more and more homeless people on the streets. And I feel like they are getting more aggressive in asking for -- demanding, really -- money. I went in to get something from a convenience store, and a woman waiting outside asked me for money. When I did not give her anything but continued along my way, she began to yell at me and follow me a few steps down the street. I am not numb to the realities of homelessness in our country, but I also do not feel like it is my duty to give money to every person who demands it. How can I handle this without being rude or disrespectful? -- Dealing With the Homeless

DEAR DEALING WITH THE HOMELESS: Sadly, the homelessness crisis in our country is growing dramatically. Depending on where you live, chances are, you will see many homeless people in your neighborhood who are trying desperately to get by. That does not mean that you are obligated to give each person money. Right now, as our economy is in freefall due to the COVID-19 scare, many people are in peril of losing their jobs and potentially ending up homeless themselves.

With that backdrop, you still have the reality of walking on the street and being pressed for cash. My recommendation is to remember that the people asking are human and desperate. Even when you cannot or choose not to give them money, say hello. Look them in the eye and tell them to be safe or have a good day. Say something that humanizes the moment, including, “Sorry, I don’t have anything to give you.”

life

Sense & Sensitivity for March 30, 2020

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | March 30th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently started seeing a guy who is really smart, nice and beautiful to look at. I am surprised that he is into me. I am smart, but I’m not what you would call “cute.” I’m an average woman whom handsome guys don’t usually notice.

My boyfriend and I met at the coffee shop I visit sometimes after class, and we struck up a conversation. We enjoy talking to each other, and it has grown from there. Part of me is afraid that if we take this to the next level and start going out with his friends, he won’t like me as much. This is new territory for me. I’m not normally so insecure, but I think I am out of my league. How can I boost my confidence? -- Real Beauty

DEAR REAL BEAUTY: My mother used to say, “Beauty is as beauty does.” She emphasized that physical beauty is transient, while inner beauty -- the way that you behave, how you treat other people, what makes you you -- is what really counts. It sounds like your guy sees you for who you are. Who knows what his dating experiences were before meeting you? You two have chosen each other; find confidence in that. The more you believe that you deserve to be happy right where you are, the easier it will be for you to stand by his side as an equal in whatever company you find yourself.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Black Co-Workers Tired of Being Mistaken for Each Other

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | March 28th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am an African American woman working in a largely white corporate institution. There are only two black women in my division of about 50 employees. She and I look nothing alike. Specifically, I am tall, with dark skin and short hair; she is at least 6 inches shorter than me, with light skin and long hair. And yet, regularly, co-workers mistake us for each other. It is blatantly racist to me. They don’t make that mistake with one another, even when they may be referring to two blonds of similar height and stature. I don’t get it, and it’s so annoying. What can I do to be seen in my company? -- Invisible

DEAR INVISIBLE: Your job is to educate your co-workers -- to the best of your ability -- without a chip on your shoulder. It doesn’t make sense that people who work directly with you would not be able to discern who is who, especially if there are only two black women on the team.

Before you present to your group, start by introducing yourself. Literally say, “I am (fill in your name).” Follow that with your presentation. If you do that every time you speak, chances are, someone will ask you why you are introducing yourself to a group of people who know you. That’s when you can point out that they often call you by your colleague’s name. In the interest of clarity, you want to be certain that they know who they are talking to. If they scoff or say that’s ridiculous, that’s your chance to agree and point out that it should be obvious that you are two different people, but given how often your identities are mistaken, you felt it necessary to reintroduce yourself each time you speak.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for March 28, 2020

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | March 28th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: One of the things that seems to be recommended during this health scare with the coronavirus is to use hand sanitizers. My husband has long believed that these products are ineffective, and he is opposed to us using them. We have two children. I don’t want to go against my husband, but I do want to protect my children. What do you recommend? -- Keeping Clean

DEAR KEEPING CLEAN: The formal recommendation is for everyone is to wash their hands regularly and thoroughly with soap and water. Actual soap is the best way to keep your hands clean. Hand sanitizer with at least 60% alcohol content is recommended for times when you cannot wash your hands with soap. The high concentration of alcohol is important. That is something to share with your husband and to be sure to provide for your children as backup.

To honor your husband’s belief, which is wise, is to be vigilant as a family about handwashing. Teach your children so that they can see what it looks like. Remind them not to touch their faces with their hands or touch others as they go about their day. This is not easy to do, but it's important during this tense period.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Nosy Friend Needs To Hear No

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | March 27th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a friend who is well-meaning, but extremely nosy and pushy. She is like the grand inquisitor of my life. If I tell her one thing, she asks me 10 more questions. If I don’t want to answer some of her questions, she gets offended and says that that’s what friends do -- tell each other everything. The thing is, she doesn’t tell me much about herself. She extracts all kinds of information about me but doesn’t reciprocate. I’m over it. I am tired of answering all of her questions. I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but I need to figure out how to get her to back off. Since I have allowed this for so long, I figure she will be shocked by my pushback. What should I do? -- Enough

DEAR ENOUGH: You have reached your limit, a sign of maturity on your part. In order to institute your new boundaries, you will have to flex your muscles and speak up. Next time your friend starts pushing for personal details that you would rather not share, don’t answer. You don’t have to say anything. When she asks you again or inquires as to why you aren’t answering, tell her that you have had enough of her inquisition. You do not want to answer all of her questions and you have decided that you aren’t going to do so anymore. If she acts hurt or offended, tell her that is not your intention. You just need your privacy. This may make your relationship cool off for a while, and that may be perfect, at least for now.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for March 27, 2020

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | March 27th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My friend, “Anne,” is currently searching for summer internships for her professional resume. There have been many that she has in mind, though there is one organization at which she really wants to intern. This internship consists of decent pay and flexible hours, and it looks amazing on resumes. The main requirement for this organization is a high GPA. Anne does decently in her schoolwork, but it does not reach the benchmark of the internship. This organization is very selective with its applicants. Anne has worked at different establishments and even has a lot of volunteer experience. She has all this experience, but she does not meet the GPA requirement. Should she just go for it? Or search for something else? -- Striving for Success

DEAR STRIVING FOR SUCCESS: Your friend should certainly apply for this internship and include a letter that speaks of her passion and commitment as it also describes why she thinks she is a good fit for the role. But she should not end her application process there. She should apply to several other internships, including some that better match her qualifications. Most internships are highly competitive. She should not assume that she will be selected for the one she wants. This would be true even if she matched all of the requirements.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

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