DEAR HARRIETTE: I have two adult children -- one who is already independent, and another who is struggling. I’m really worried about him. He seems to have a lack of confidence, even though my husband and I have provided him with everything so that he could succeed. He got a great education and did fairly well in school. But his motivation is limited. He has a job, but not in his area of interest, and he seems to be floundering. He doesn’t make enough money to be on his own fully, so my husband and I supplement his income. He still lives at home. I’m not sure if this is helping. Do you think that he would get his act together if he were more motivated? What can we do to help him grow up and accept responsibility for his life? -- Leaving the Nest

DEAR LEAVING THE NEST: The reason mama birds push their babies out of the nest is to prove to them that they can fly. Why would they leave the comfort and protection of their parents’ wings if they didn’t have to? Remember this when you think about your son. The more you coddle him in the name of being kind and supportive parents, the greater the risk that he never leaves.

It’s time to get tough. Set boundaries for how long he can live at home. While at home, require him to pay rent even if you put it away to give to him later. Hold him accountable for his responsibilities, and talk firmly with him about his future. Be willing to let him suffer a bit. In order for it to become real for him that he is in charge of his destiny, he has to experience the consequences of not taking action to reach his goals.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I noticed that an old friend from college has posted on social media that she is having health and financial problems. She has asked for people to contribute to a crowdfunding campaign to help her get back on her feet. I get it and I feel for her, but I am not comfortable helping her in that way. We live in nearby towns. I would like to offer to see her and maybe bring her a meal. I am a good cook and would be happy to share with her in this way. Even though this isn’t what she asked for, I had the thought to email her and suggest that we get together. What do you think? -- Other Ways To Help

DEAR OTHER WAYS TO HELP: When people you know reach out for help, it is wonderful when you can take the time and consider how you can be of support to them. Your friend’s plea for money was a clarion call for you, in a different way perhaps than she intended. Your reaction and interest in supporting her directly are great.

Reach out and ask to see her. Tell her you want to bring her a home-cooked meal. If she agrees, get a sense of what’s going on with her and what kind of support you are willing to offer. She may need a sounding board or a referral for health services. Depending on how much time you can commit to her, your engagement may be worth far more than the few dollars you could have put in the fundraiser.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a question about bedtimes. My kids have always had a bedtime that is relatively early because I want to make sure that they get enough rest and are sharp the next day. Now that they are a little older -- eighth grade twins -- they are fighting me about staying up late. They want to go from a 9:30 p.m. bedtime to no curfew, especially on weekends. I am willing to budge a bit, but taking away the curfew entirely doesn’t seem to be a smart solution. What do you think? -- New Curfew

DEAR NEW CURFEW: Your children are at an age when they are beginning to learn independence. You can let up some and give them space to test their limits a bit. Decide on a time that will be lights out for the household for weeknights. Maybe that’s an hour later. Check on them once to see if they have settled, but stop being a monitor. If they struggle to get up or to focus on their work, remind them that they need enough rest. Pay attention to their studies and their grades. Even if they slip up a little, don’t get too strict immediately. Give them the chance to have some agency in their decision-making, which will allow them to notice what happens if they deprive themselves of the proper rest that they need to function.

On the weekends, consider allowing them no curfew for Friday and Saturday. Let them see how they manage their time. It is important for them to figure out how to listen to their own body clocks. This is a step in that direction.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I made a commitment to connect with loved ones at least once a month this year after two of my friends passed away in 2019. We had spoken on the phone occasionally, but that’s not the same thing as seeing them in person. I loved my friends, and I realize that I just didn’t make enough time for them. I hate that I wasn’t more responsive when these friends reached out.

As I try to organize visits with my remaining friends, I have found that some people don’t share my enthusiasm. They barely want to talk and have no interest in a face-to-face meeting, even though I said I would come to them. How can I stay positive when others don’t share my view? Oddly, I feel like some of them are doing exactly what I did with the friends who are now gone. -- Reconnecting

DEAR RECONNECTING: Your idea is a great one, but you have to accept that not everybody shares your vision for connection. Instead of getting discouraged or angry, focus on the friends who agree to get together. Pace yourself, too. Your sense of urgency is great in that it is propelling you to take action, but be mindful of how you engage your friends. If they sense desperation or panic from you, your invitation may not seem as appealing. Chart out who you want to see, and extend invitations each month. Accept that you may not reconnect with everyone, but you are giving it your best effort.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: Seemingly out of the blue, they are reading lots of books about race at my son’s school. Seriously, they have read three books back-to-back about racial injustice. While I think it is important for the kids to learn about these topics, it is making us uncomfortable. Not everything is about race, but you would never know from this class. I don’t have the knowledge or time to debate these issues with my son every day.

I’m not trying to be rude or insensitive. My husband and I work hard to make sure that our son is thoughtful and not racist, but we also don’t want him to feel super self-conscious about being white. He shouldn’t have to apologize for being himself. I don’t know how to support him as times change. I do teach him to treat everyone with respect, but does that mean I have to allow him to be exposed to so much conversation about the atrocities of racism? -- Too Much Race Talk

DEAR TOO MUCH RACE TALK: I need to respectfully disagree with you on this. Hopefully your son is in the perfect place to engage in a conversation that is necessary for healing in our country. The good news, in my book, is that schools are walking toward the challenge rather than avoiding it. Perhaps our youth will be able to wrestle issues of diversity, equity and inclusion in respectful, creative ways. Consider that this is the way you can think about the curriculum he is engaging, rather than as a burden.

I think you should read the books, too, so that you can have informed conversations with him about what he is learning. Your job as a parent is to guide your child and to help him process whatever information comes before him. The more you equip yourself with the conversations of the day coupled with your own experience, the better you will be able to help him navigate this extremely challenging reality -- that racial injustice is still staring us in the face, and we have to do something about it.

For support, visit courageousconversation.com. This organization is devoted to helping educational institutions -- from administrators to students to parents -- learn how to talk respectfully and honestly about the realities of race, equity, inclusion and diversity in meaningful ways.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I hired a young woman to work with me this year fresh out of college. She is smart and personable. She knows how to do the job for the most part, but she has terrible basic manners. I am shocked that she doesn’t know how to eat using basic utensils. She doesn’t have an understanding of professional dress and what’s appropriate to wear to a business meeting or a special event after work. These may seem like small things, but they can make or break a person in their career. She is sensitive, and I’m not sure how to broach the subject. I want her to succeed, so I think she needs some guidance. What do you recommend? -- In Need of Etiquette Classes

DEAR IN NEED OF ETIQUETTE CLASSES: Invest in this young woman. If your HR department does not teach the basics of etiquette, send her to a class that will give her tips on how to present herself in a professional setting.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)