DEAR HARRIETTE: I am an immigrant, and I have lived in this country for more than 20 years; in fact, I am now an American citizen. My problem is that as much as I want to visit my family in my home country, it is so expensive that I can go only every few years. I save as much and spend as little as possible here, but my expenses are considerable. Also, because I live in the United States, my family assumes that I am rich. I am expected to pay for the family homestead, even though I don’t work there, and when I come home, I am expected to bring lots of gifts and money to give to everyone. They don’t have any idea of what it costs to take care of just one person in the U.S. They expect me to be able to take care of all of them -- parents, siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles. I can’t afford it. How can I get them to understand? -- Across the Sea

DEAR ACROSS THE SEA: The biggest challenge you are facing is cultural. Your family in your native home do not have a point of reference for what it means to afford a life in the United States. You have been working very hard to live up to their expectations. Unfortunately, your efforts have helped to reinforce their belief that you can afford it all.

The only way that they are going to be able to accept your reality is for you to accept it. What’s more important: showering them with gifts and money, or seeing them? Evaluate that. Sometimes the resources may be more important. But other times, being in each other’s company is way more valuable. You decide, and then make it clear to them that when you visit next, you will not be able to bring the bounty of items that usually come with you. When you come with less, they may be disappointed at first, but they will come to accept the new reality.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I was just feeling pretty low, thinking about all of the things that aren’t going so well in my life right now. I am getting older, fatter and broker than ever. I am so worried that I won’t have the resources to take care of myself when I should be retiring. I was getting kind of panicky the other day, and then I got the sweetest message from an old friend who wrote to say that I inspire him. What? That was the kindest thing, but also unbelievable. I feel like such a failure, and here he is singing my praises. He really lifted my spirits. I’m afraid that this good feeling won’t last. What can I do to stay positive? -- Feeling Down

DEAR FEELING DOWN: My mother always used to tell my sisters and me to count our blessings, especially when we were feeling down. She would urge us to write down what is good about our lives, from the tiniest things to bigger ones. The list can include waking up in the morning, having food to eat, having a job, having loved ones or having the choice to rethink how you will spend the day. Make your list, and allow it make you smile.

Then offer service. Do something for someone who needs more than you, and your heart will warm. Also, attend to your life. Work on the things that need fixing so that you can improve your circumstances. Don’t give up.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My daughter had a horrible time this year going through midterms. She bit all of her fingernails down to nubs. She didn’t sleep well for a whole week. She was irritable every single day. And nothing I did helped her. In fact, my very presence seemed to annoy her. I know it’s because the pressure is intense at her school, and she feels that she has to do well or she won’t get in to college.

I think I should speak to the guidance counselor or principal to find out if the school can do anything to support the students during this particularly stressful period. There are so many stories of teen suicide and drug and alcohol abuse. I feel certain that some of these kids are going to crack in one way or another. I would like to help in any way that I can so that my daughter and her classmates aren’t so wigged out. What do you recommend? -- Beyond Stressed Out

DEAR BEYOND STRESSED OUT: If you think that your child is in danger of hurting herself beyond her bitten-down nails, you definitely should step in to see how you can alleviate some of her stress. Make sure that you provide her with healthy food to support her during this tough period. Be attentive and present so that she knows that you are willing to help her at a moment’s notice.

Do contact the school and address your concerns for your child and others; suggest that the stakes are dangerously high, and you worry that the students need mental health support. Form a group with other parents to voice your concerns. There is power in numbers. Stand up and make it clear that you need the school to help the students learn how to handle stress so that they will not resort to self-harm. Stay on officials as you also watch and engage your child as much as possible.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am very close to my sister, and I am also very close to my sister’s child. We talk a lot, and it’s wonderful for both of us. My sister used to think it was good, but now I don’t know. When I mention things that we discuss, my sister seems to get a little peeved. But if I don’t mention highlights of our chats, I worry that my sister thinks that I am withholding information. How can I smooth out this situation so that everybody is comfortable? -- Friends Across Generations

DEAR FRIENDS ACROSS GENERATIONS: Check back in with your sister to reassure her of how grateful you are for the close relationship the two of you have and the one that you have with your niece. Celebrate your sister for all she is doing to ensure that her daughter has a great life. Let her know that you consider it a privilege to be close to both of them, and that you hope she feels the same.

Do not feel that you have to share the blow-by-blow of every conversation you have with your niece. Stay attentive and share when necessary.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I was married many years ago to a nice man, and I did not treat him well. I have never felt good about my behavior. Even though a lot of years have passed, I still think about that period in my life from time to time, and I cringe. As we get older, I keep thinking that I want to apologize to him. I don’t want to upset his life, though. He has remarried and has a family. I have not seen him for decades. If I can find his address, do you think it would be appropriate to send him a note of apology? Life is short, and many people I grew up with are dying. I don’t want either of us to die before I express my apology. -- Making Amends

DEAR MAKING AMENDS: Think carefully about what you want to say to this man. Do you believe that he will appreciate a sincere apology from you, or do you think it will just stir up old negative emotions? I ask that because it could be that you need to apologize in order to cleanse your soul, but he may not need to receive your apology. Sit with that for a bit to determine what your heart says.

If you believe he will value your apology, do your research and find an address for your ex. Carefully write your note. You may not need to go into details. Again, rubbing his nose in old wounds could be cruel. Just express your regret. Tell him you are not asking for anything. Instead, you just felt it was important that at this point in your life and after much reflection, you let him know how sorry you are for any pain you caused him.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a client who is so cheap. No matter what the project is, she always nickel and dimes me. Whatever my fee normally is for a job, she demands that I give her a discount. Sometimes the discount she requires makes the job not worth doing. When I stand up for myself and tell her that I can’t go that low, she digs in. I have been passed over a couple of times for projects because she wouldn’t budge. At a certain point, I feel like I have to walk away if she is being too cheap. I have done the math, and some of these projects would equal less than minimum wage if she paid by the hour. That’s not fair. How can I get that across to her? Or should I even try? -- Cheap Client

DEAR CHEAP CLIENT: Take a hard look at the projects you have scheduled for this year and how important this client is to your bottom line. Ideally, you should work hard to replace this client. If she refuses to pay fair market value for your services, you would be better off finding clients who are willing to pay a fair wage.

For now, stop fighting with her. When she invites you to do a project, negotiate the best fee you can. But spend minimal time haggling with her. Pivot to soliciting new business for 2020!

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)