Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I got called for jury duty. I had been able to dodge it for the past 10 years or so, but this time they said I have to come. I’m self-employed, and I can’t afford to take off this time. How can I make clear my circumstances? -- No Jury Duty

DEAR NO JURY DUTY: I understand your sentiment. Virtually nobody wants to serve on jury duty. Yet it is an integral part of the democratic process. In order to have a trial with an outcome determined by a jury of your peers, peers have to agree to serve. I challenge you to change your thinking about this.

Go in on the required date that your summons indicates. Let the attendant know the parameters of your service. Typically, you have to be available at least three days. For many people, one day of service ends up being enough. You spend a lot of time sitting and waiting to be called to be interviewed by attorneys who determine if you are right for their case. Juries are usually made up of 6 or 12 jurors, so most people are not chosen. Make sure you let all appropriate parties know when you must work so that you aren’t chosen for a potentially long trial.

The good news is that once you’ve served, you won’t have to serve again for at least four years.

DEAR HARRIETTE: In response to parents needing to talk with teens about sexual misconduct, are you aware of Rev. Scott Phelps’ Abstinence and Marriage Program? It is a down-to-earth curriculum for seventh through 12th graders. Many Illinois schools use the program as part of their sex education classes.

Parents are not parenting very much, so the schools must step up and parent. -- Concerned Grandmother

DEAR CONCERNED GRANDMOTHER: Thank you for sharing this program, which can be found at ampartnership.org. I do think that it is important for young people to learn about how to honor their bodies. The younger they learn this, the better off they are.

While the notion of abstinence before marriage seems antiquated for many, I do believe it is important for young people to know that it is a wise choice that they should soberly consider. We no longer live in a culture that preaches abstinence to stay out of hell, but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t worth seriously contemplating.

I talk to teenagers on a regular basis and know that peer pressure is powerful. Regarding sex, often they have not talked to their parents about their values. Sometimes parents try to pressure their teens into making the choices they deem correct without having full discussions with them that address their ideas as well. I believe that exposing our young people to the importance of valuing their bodies as sacred and protecting them as such is important. When they have the knowledge and the tools to give voice to their own beliefs, they have the potential to make choices that serve them even if those beliefs are different from their friends’.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My teenage daughter talks to me about her life, including telling me about what her friends are doing relationship-wise. For the most part, they are still “innocent” -- meaning no sex, at least among her close friends. What they call “hooking up” is what my generation used to call “making out,” i.e. kissing and touching.

I’m relieved to know that my daughter hasn’t taken it further. She tells me she hasn’t met anyone yet to even do the hooking up with, but it feels inevitable. I’m trying to remember my teen years so that I can stay cool. I haven’t told her to wait until marriage or risk going to hell, but I do want her to wait. How can I convince her that she doesn’t have to rush into anything? -- Coming of Age

DEAR COMING OF AGE: Rather than instilling fear into your teenager, which rarely works in a healthy manner anyway, talk to your daughter about her body as her sacred vessel. Tell her that if she thinks of her physical being as precious, it will be easier for her to resist the hormonal temptation to be intimate before she is ready. Recommend that at the very least she refrain from sexual activity until she is in a committed relationship where she and her partner love each other. Note that it takes time and experience to reach that level in a relationship.

Meanwhile, it’s OK to hook up occasionally as she is discovering herself and her interests. Just be mindful of what her limitations are, and encourage her to make them known to whoever she is with. Also, remind her that she can always come to you to talk or for help without judgment.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I reminded my son and my husband to get me a Christmas gift this year, and they did, but it was such an afterthought that it might have been better to get nothing. I have told my husband so many times that I care that he gets me something. Now that we have a son, it matters because I want my son to know that he should be thoughtful in gift-giving to his mother and any future partners.

Still, I became the last-minute gift recipient of one lame item while I spent days and weeks figuring out multiple items to get each of them. I know Christmas has passed, but I want them to understand how disappointed I am that they didn’t make me a priority. -- Afterthought

DEAR AFTERTHOUGHT: Rather than letting your hurt feelings fester, you should tell your family how you are feeling. Call a family meeting. Tell your husband and son that there is something on your mind that you need to address. Start by asking them how they enjoyed their Christmas this year. Ask them what their favorite gift was. Remind them of how important this holiday is to you and that you take gift-giving seriously. Tell them that while you appreciate that they got you something, it hurt your feelings that clearly little to no thought went into it. Point out that you believe you deserve for the family to be more attentive and thoughtful when it comes to you. Remind them that you spent a lot of time and effort getting what you thought were the perfect gifts for them. You would have appreciated even the smallest effort on their parts.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a serious procrastinator. I have been like this for as long as I can remember, but it is starting to catch up with me in bad ways. I was recently late on a project at work because I took too long to get started.

Worse than that, I waited too long to order a specific item that my daughter requested for Christmas, and it was sold out by the time I got around to it. My daughter doesn’t ask for much. I got her something else, but I felt horrible. Some of her friends had wish lists that were pages long. She had only two items on her list, and one was no longer available when I finally tried to buy it. How can I be better about prioritizing my time and efforts? -- End of Procrastination

DEAR END OF PROCRASTINATION: This is a mind-over-matter situation. Up to now, you haven’t been hurt badly enough to change. Even with the examples you gave, you still have your job, and your daughter still loves you. Imagine for a moment if you had lost both of them. How would you feel?

Regarding work, it could be easy for you to lose favor with your company and then find yourself earmarked as disposable. You need to make yourself as close to indispensable as possible. Do that by showing up to work early, completing your most difficult or time-consuming tasks first and leaving with a smile on your face. Keep track of your responsibilities by writing them down. You may want to set an alarm that reminds you of upcoming deadlines with enough lead time to get them done.

As far as your daughter is concerned, think about her feelings. She is mindful enough not to ask for the moon, even though she sees other kids doing that. Honor her discipline in the future by doing your best to secure what she wants most. This is true during holiday times, but also in general. Pay attention to her, hear what she needs and be responsive. No more delays.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’ve noticed some extreme emotional comments on social media recently from people I don’t know well. I can tell that they are in emotional distress, but I’m not sure what I can do to help. Here’s where social media is weird: You call people your friend, but that doesn’t mean they actually are. I don’t want to get tangled up in a virtual stranger’s issues, but when I see a cry for help, I do feel like I should do or say something. What do you think? -- Cry for Help

DEAR CRY FOR HELP: One of the features that I like about social media is that people send out an SOS, and others will receive it. When you notice that someone is in distress, I think it’s right to say something. If a person seems suicidal, you can send them the phone number for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255. You can add a personal note of encouragement, but you do not have to attempt to go to the person’s house to help sort things out, for example.

If a person is in need of financial support, you may see that they post a crowdfunding campaign. If you have the resources, you may want to make a donation. Even a few dollars can be helpful to a person in dire financial straits. Even more, seeing your name as a donor will brighten their spirits.

It doesn’t cost anything to tell a person you will pray for them or keep them in your thoughts, but that simple gesture often means a lot for someone who is in an extreme emotional state.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)