life

Parent Doesn’t Want Teen Daughter To Rush Into Sex

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | January 18th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My teenage daughter talks to me about her life, including telling me about what her friends are doing relationship-wise. For the most part, they are still “innocent” -- meaning no sex, at least among her close friends. What they call “hooking up” is what my generation used to call “making out,” i.e. kissing and touching.

I’m relieved to know that my daughter hasn’t taken it further. She tells me she hasn’t met anyone yet to even do the hooking up with, but it feels inevitable. I’m trying to remember my teen years so that I can stay cool. I haven’t told her to wait until marriage or risk going to hell, but I do want her to wait. How can I convince her that she doesn’t have to rush into anything? -- Coming of Age

DEAR COMING OF AGE: Rather than instilling fear into your teenager, which rarely works in a healthy manner anyway, talk to your daughter about her body as her sacred vessel. Tell her that if she thinks of her physical being as precious, it will be easier for her to resist the hormonal temptation to be intimate before she is ready. Recommend that at the very least she refrain from sexual activity until she is in a committed relationship where she and her partner love each other. Note that it takes time and experience to reach that level in a relationship.

Meanwhile, it’s OK to hook up occasionally as she is discovering herself and her interests. Just be mindful of what her limitations are, and encourage her to make them known to whoever she is with. Also, remind her that she can always come to you to talk or for help without judgment.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for January 18, 2020

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | January 18th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I reminded my son and my husband to get me a Christmas gift this year, and they did, but it was such an afterthought that it might have been better to get nothing. I have told my husband so many times that I care that he gets me something. Now that we have a son, it matters because I want my son to know that he should be thoughtful in gift-giving to his mother and any future partners.

Still, I became the last-minute gift recipient of one lame item while I spent days and weeks figuring out multiple items to get each of them. I know Christmas has passed, but I want them to understand how disappointed I am that they didn’t make me a priority. -- Afterthought

DEAR AFTERTHOUGHT: Rather than letting your hurt feelings fester, you should tell your family how you are feeling. Call a family meeting. Tell your husband and son that there is something on your mind that you need to address. Start by asking them how they enjoyed their Christmas this year. Ask them what their favorite gift was. Remind them of how important this holiday is to you and that you take gift-giving seriously. Tell them that while you appreciate that they got you something, it hurt your feelings that clearly little to no thought went into it. Point out that you believe you deserve for the family to be more attentive and thoughtful when it comes to you. Remind them that you spent a lot of time and effort getting what you thought were the perfect gifts for them. You would have appreciated even the smallest effort on their parts.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Procrastinating Reader Needs To Prioritize Time

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | January 17th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a serious procrastinator. I have been like this for as long as I can remember, but it is starting to catch up with me in bad ways. I was recently late on a project at work because I took too long to get started.

Worse than that, I waited too long to order a specific item that my daughter requested for Christmas, and it was sold out by the time I got around to it. My daughter doesn’t ask for much. I got her something else, but I felt horrible. Some of her friends had wish lists that were pages long. She had only two items on her list, and one was no longer available when I finally tried to buy it. How can I be better about prioritizing my time and efforts? -- End of Procrastination

DEAR END OF PROCRASTINATION: This is a mind-over-matter situation. Up to now, you haven’t been hurt badly enough to change. Even with the examples you gave, you still have your job, and your daughter still loves you. Imagine for a moment if you had lost both of them. How would you feel?

Regarding work, it could be easy for you to lose favor with your company and then find yourself earmarked as disposable. You need to make yourself as close to indispensable as possible. Do that by showing up to work early, completing your most difficult or time-consuming tasks first and leaving with a smile on your face. Keep track of your responsibilities by writing them down. You may want to set an alarm that reminds you of upcoming deadlines with enough lead time to get them done.

As far as your daughter is concerned, think about her feelings. She is mindful enough not to ask for the moon, even though she sees other kids doing that. Honor her discipline in the future by doing your best to secure what she wants most. This is true during holiday times, but also in general. Pay attention to her, hear what she needs and be responsive. No more delays.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for January 17, 2020

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | January 17th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’ve noticed some extreme emotional comments on social media recently from people I don’t know well. I can tell that they are in emotional distress, but I’m not sure what I can do to help. Here’s where social media is weird: You call people your friend, but that doesn’t mean they actually are. I don’t want to get tangled up in a virtual stranger’s issues, but when I see a cry for help, I do feel like I should do or say something. What do you think? -- Cry for Help

DEAR CRY FOR HELP: One of the features that I like about social media is that people send out an SOS, and others will receive it. When you notice that someone is in distress, I think it’s right to say something. If a person seems suicidal, you can send them the phone number for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255. You can add a personal note of encouragement, but you do not have to attempt to go to the person’s house to help sort things out, for example.

If a person is in need of financial support, you may see that they post a crowdfunding campaign. If you have the resources, you may want to make a donation. Even a few dollars can be helpful to a person in dire financial straits. Even more, seeing your name as a donor will brighten their spirits.

It doesn’t cost anything to tell a person you will pray for them or keep them in your thoughts, but that simple gesture often means a lot for someone who is in an extreme emotional state.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Husband’s TV Choices Bother Reader

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | January 16th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I have very different tastes in television programs. I like romance and drama. He watches shows about UFOs. It makes my skin crawl when he turns on shows about extraterrestrials and then lectures me about his beliefs -- backed up by these programs -- that aliens are living among us. I don’t believe it, but I also know that I can’t do anything about it, even if it is true.

How can I get him to watch some of my shows? I am tired of being forced to endure the shows he likes. It makes me really angry, and that’s no good for our relationship. -- No More Aliens

DEAR NO MORE ALIENS: Schedule together time and alone time. Let your husband know that you realize that you don’t share the same interests in TV programming. Rather than feeling that you are being held hostage watching and responding to something that irritates you, recommend that each of you enjoy alone time when you want to watch your separate TV shows. When you come together, consider turning off the TV and talking to each other or engaging in other activities that do not have the television as a distraction.

As far as watching something together, figure out what you both like and agree to watch that during those together moments.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for January 16, 2020

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | January 16th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I just graduated from college this year, and I got a credit card for the first time. I was told that I have to build up credit in order to be able to buy property or even get an apartment. I can’t get a lease for my own place without proof that I have good credit. Nobody ever told me that before.

I don’t want to ask anybody for help. Plus, my parents really can’t afford it. They did tell me I can live with them until I get it together. I feel like a failure. I did very well in school, have almost no college debt and recently got a job, but it’s still not enough. What should I do? -- No Credit

DEAR NO CREDIT: It is true that you generally need to have established credit in order to be able to do many things, including renting or buying an apartment -- unless you can pay cash upfront for an extended period of time.

Take your parents up on their offer for you to live with them while you build your credit. Be disciplined about using your new credit card. You must use it, though. Each month, make some charges on your card, preferably using less than 30% of the total amount of credit. Always pay your bill on time. You can pay the total balance in full each month, either on time or early, or you can pay a portion of the bill on time. Either way will help build good credit. If you pay it off in full each month, your credit score will rise higher and you will not incur interest charges.

Sign up for a credit monitoring app, like Credit Karma, so that you can immediately access your credit score. A year’s worth of good credit plus some dollars in the bank should make you ready to get your own place.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

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