life

New Friend Wants To Be Sensitive to Child on the Spectrum

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | November 18th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a new friend who has a child who she says is “on the spectrum.” I have heard the term, of course, but I have never met anyone who has autism or is considered to be on the spectrum, at least not to my knowledge.

My friend talks about some of the challenges he has interacting with other children. I would like to be ready to engage this child in a supportive way, but I don’t have a clue as to what to do. I have done some reading, enough to figure out that there are all kinds of things that could be going on with a person who is on the spectrum. Would it be rude for me to ask my new friend what she recommends? I know this is a sensitive topic, but she did bring it up. -- On the Spectrum

DEAR ON THE SPECTRUM: The most thoughtful action you can take is to speak up and tell your friend that you have thought about what she told you about her son, and you want her input so that you can welcome him in an appropriate and loving manner. Ask for her advice on how to approach him.

Many children who are on the spectrum do not like too much physical contact, and sometimes loud noises and other such disruptions can be difficult. Ask your friend what stimuli work for her son and what he tends to avoid. Chances are, she will be relieved to learn that you are proactively trying to figure out how to best engage her son. For more ideas, go to: bit.ly/2oS6JCC.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for November 18, 2019

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | November 18th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE; I posted some photos on social media of my family from a recent get-together. One of my friends who has known my family for decades was mostly complimentary about the people in the pictures, but when he got to my sister -- the one who was often mean to me when I was a child -- he said she looked old and tired. I don’t necessarily see that when I look at her. I think he was trying to be nice to me because he knows how upset I used to get about how she treated me, but I still didn’t like it. Should I say something to him, or just leave it alone? -- Defending My Sister

DEAR DEFENDING MY SISTER: The moment has passed. You should let it go. If you have the occasion to speak to this friend again about your sister, share positive input about your most recent interactions with her. If you have been able to move past your childhood behaviors and establish a good rapport with her, share that with your friend.

You can also thank him for wanting to have your back when he saw your sister’s photo, but let him know that you are able to manage your emotions now. If you let him know that you are OK with her now, you will free him to have no more need for judgment of her either.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Pushy Friend Won’t Take No for an Answer

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | November 16th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a friend who is extremely pushy with her requests. She is a woman of privilege, and she is accustomed to getting her way immediately. She asked me to make an introduction, and I don’t think it’s a great idea. She pushed so hard that I reluctantly agreed.

I have been trying to figure out how to approach the situation to create the chance for a good outcome. She called me the next day to find out if I had reached out to the woman yet. I’m afraid that if she is pushy like this with my other friend, it will not end up going well for either of us. How can I preserve both relationships when this one friend just won’t let up? -- In the Middle

DEAR IN THE MIDDLE: If you truly don’t think you should make this connection, don’t do it. Stand up to your friend, and tell her why you don’t think it’s the right fit. In the best-case scenario, you can recommend someone else who might be better suited to your friend. Think long and hard for another person who would be able to welcome your friend’s pushy manner better. If nobody comes to mind, you can just say no to her. Or if you think the project she is representing is a good one but her demeanor is the problem, you could reach out to the person she requested and tell her that you know someone who has a great idea; you aren’t sure if it’s a fit, but you think it could be worth it for her to consider. Establishing a caveat could protect you. But beware, even lukewarm recommendations can seem much stronger to the person receiving them -- especially if you are highly regarded. So you must protect your reputation as you navigate this tricky situation.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for November 16, 2019

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | November 16th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am going to a three-day conference where I am a principal conference speaker. I am excited about this opportunity and want to do my best.

I was recently called and invited to speak at another event during the conference, but it conflicts with yet another meeting that I am scheduled to participate in. This is tough because I am interested in joining the leadership of the organization. I don’t think it’s wise to rescind my involvement in one meeting because another seems more high profile. How should I handle this? -- Climbing

DEAR CLIMBING: Thank the people who most recently invited you to be a part of their meeting. Let them know that while you will be at the conference, you have already confirmed your participation in an event at the same time as theirs. Ask if there might be another time during the conference when you can meet their principal constituency.

Meetings can occur over drinks, at meals or during cocktail receptions. You don’t have to close the door to getting to know those other people. Suggest other ideas and make it clear that you would like to be with them, but your previous commitment prohibits meeting at that specific time.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Freelancer Questions Going Above Friend’s Head

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | November 15th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a freelance contractor. Recently, a friend invited me to have lunch with her to talk about a project. I gave her a few of my ideas with the intention of getting her to hire me to work with her. That’s what she said to me, after all.

Now I realize that she has to get her boss to agree to anything that she does. I have met her boss before, and we got along fine, but that was years ago. I don’t know if her boss will want me or not. I am not a celebrity, but I do have a good networking list. Should I reach out to her boss to remind her of me, or just leave it to chance? -- Hiring Politics

DEAR HIRING POLITICS: You should not overstep your bounds with your friend to speak to her boss. That could easily backfire on you. Instead, make sure that your friend has all the information needed to present you as a perfect contractor for this project. If you have additional ideas that can fortify her presentation to her boss, both about you specifically and about the work at hand, follow up with a good-luck note along with a few additional ideas. But the ball is in your friend’s court now.

Hopefully she will be able to sell the idea with you in it satisfactorily to her boss. Do know that there is always a gamble when you release your creative ideas out to the world -- and that’s OK. Sometimes your generosity with your creativity brings you work, but that is not always the case. You still must keep on trying and trust that you have more creative ideas where the others came from. Good luck!

life

Sense & Sensitivity for November 15, 2019

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | November 15th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have had false teeth for about a decade. The other day at work, my bridge broke in my hand. This has happened in the past, but I was always able to glue it back together. I have crazy glue, and it really works. This time, though, the teeth won’t stick together. I know this sounds nuts, but it’s how I can keep my teeth looking right. Now I have to go to the dentist, and I really can’t afford it. What should I do? -- Tooth Repair

DEAR TOOTH REPAIR: Call your dentist and explain your dilemma. Ask for a payment plan to fix your dentures. Be frank about your situation and honest about how much you can pay in order to fix your problem. I can’t imagine that it is smart for you to put crazy glue on your teeth and then put that in your mouth. Who knows what chemicals you are ingesting?

Figure out what you can cut back on in your life so that you can pay the fees for fixing your dentures. Look into teaching hospitals as an alternative source of medical help. Those programs often offer deep discounts for dental services because the students are learning.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

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