life

Parent Wants Kids To Read, Not Watch TV

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | October 24th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I know that reading is important for building the mind. I have always been a reader, and I want my children to enjoy reading as well. The problem is that my husband loves to watch TV, and we live in a culture where binge-watching stupid programs is the norm. How can I train my children to love reading and not to become entranced by the TV? -- Time To Read

DEAR TIME TO READ: You need to strike a happy medium in your home. You may not be able to get your husband to become a reader, but you can limit screen time for your children and establish specific reading hours where you read together. If you start this practice early enough, you can help your children establish a rhythm that includes reading. Children tend to emulate what their parents do, so set a good example.

Do know that limiting television is not nearly enough. Young people are more engaged with their smartphones and other devices than television these days. You may want to create a policy where smart devices go into a bowl upon entering the home or, at least, during a period of time allocated for reading, studying and being with family.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for October 24, 2019

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | October 24th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My son wants to be a rapper. He has been making music and posting it on SoundCloud for a year now. He has performed at his school and a couple of other places. I am happy that he is exploring his creativity, but I do not want him to drop out of school to do this. He is a good student, in the 11th grade. I don’t want to come off as the overbearing parent, but I want him to go to college and get skills that will help him later in life, even if he does get a chance at this music thing somewhere down the line.

My son is talking about trying to go professional as soon as he graduates from high school. One parent suggested to me that I let him take a gap year to explore his options. He said I should give him the compromise to apply to schools and then ask for a gap year to be able to attend. What do you think about that? -- Rap Gap Year

DEAR RAP GAP YEAR: I know many families who allowed their children to take a gap year. They did this in part because the investment in college is significant, and if the student isn’t serious about it, it can turn out to be a huge waste of money.

On the other hand, I totally see the value in pushing your child toward completing his education. It’s tricky.

I like the compromise you put forth -- apply to college for the areas of interest he has, then request a deferment for one year. This lets him know that he has a concrete responsibility in 12 months and may motivate him to make the most of every day leading up to that. During the gap year, encourage him to be productive and creative as he pursues his dream. Toward the end of the year, assess where he is and what his next steps should be.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Mom Wants Support in Letting Teens Go to Concert

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | October 23rd, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My teenage daughter wants to go to a rap concert with her friends. She is so excited about the possibility. She and her friends listen to the artist all the time. I allowed her to go to another big concert this summer with friends, and she did well. I told her she can go this time if she has a buddy who agrees to stay with her during the whole concert. If they buddy up and follow the basic directions that we have given them their whole lives, I anticipate they will be fine. These concerts have lots of security.

Once I got comfortable with the idea, I discovered that her friend’s mom is nervous and doesn’t want to let her daughter go. I believe that we can’t protect our children from everything, and I do think we can let them go as long as they make smart choices. What should I say to this mom? -- Let Them Go

DEAR LET THEM GO: You have entered the phase of parenting teenagers where you will constantly be evaluating freedom versus safety. Every parent wants to protect their child from potential harm. Going to a large concert has its challenges. The very nature of a large crowd is at the top of the list. Go through your checklist of precautions with the other parent and explain that you believe that if your daughters follow them, they will be as safe as possible. Share your perspective, making it clear that you do not have a crystal ball, but you trust your daughter and want to give her this opportunity.

You might also ask your daughter to think of another friend who may want to go with her. You should not pressure this mother too much. State your case and move on, if necessary. For your peace of mind, you want your teen to go with another person who shares your values and whose parent is on board.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for October 23, 2019

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | October 23rd, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am having a hard time keeping track of all of my responsibilities. I used to have an assistant, but I had to let him go; I don’t have the budget to support an employee anymore.

For most of my career I have had administrative help. I’m creative, and I have needed support to keep all of the details in place. Now that I am alone, I have been missing appointments and failing to stay on top of some of the most important details of my business. I know this sounds pathetic, but it’s true. What do you recommend that I do to get it together? -- Falling Apart

DEAR FALLING APART: It can be challenging to change your work style and keep an even flow, especially if you are accustomed to having administrative support. If you have any budget at all, you may consider hiring a virtual assistant for an hour or so a day. Many people work remotely and offer focused engagement for clients so that you get support without having to pay a full-time salary.

You can also look into administrative software that can support your efforts to stay on top of your work. Smartphones have many features that can help you keep track of your responsibilities. There are ways that you can get the help you need at a price you can afford!

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

It’s OK To Stop Following Parents’ Plans

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | October 22nd, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have always done whatever my parents told me to do. I took the career path they recommended. I chose to live in the neighborhood my father thought was right for me. It’s not that their ideas were bad, but now I’m 30 years old, and I feel like I’m living the life they wanted for me instead of the life I want for myself.

Honestly, I don’t really even know what I want for me. I have some ideas, but my father never said they were valid. He always told me I should do something responsible. I’m doing that, but I’m not happy. How can I step out on my own now? It feels like it’s too late. I’ve been following their rules my whole life. -- Stepping Out

DEAR STEPPING OUT: Good news: You are at the perfect stage in your life to separate from your parents. You do not have to be angry with them or resentful or anything else. Instead, recognize that you are coming into your own, and it is time for you to think about next steps purely from your perspective. As an adult, what do you want to do with your life? Where do you want to live? What feels like your path, independent of your parents’ desires?

This doesn’t mean, by the way, that you have to extricate yourself from the values that you were taught that have helped to guide you to this moment. It does mean that it is time for you to fully accept responsibility for yourself, for your choices, for your life. It may also mean that you have to stand up for yourself and tell your parents your intentions and ask for their blessing -- even though you should proceed whether or not you get it.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for October 22, 2019

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | October 22nd, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I are coming up on a big anniversary, and our kids suggested that we have a party. They are super gung-ho about it, but my husband and I are lukewarm. Our life is pretty boring these days, and while we are together, I don’t think either of us feels like celebrating. I’m not saying that we want to get divorced. We just don’t want to make a big deal out of something that feels like everyday life. Our kids are so into it, though, that we don’t want to disappoint them. How should we handle this? -- Not in the Mood

DEAR NOT IN THE MOOD: Day-to-day life is not super exciting for most people. That’s normal, and it includes couples who have been married for a long time. While you do not have to agree to a party, consider that it could be a lot of fun. Having loved ones gather who will celebrate your life and their various intersections with you can be uplifting. Your children are eager to do this and may be inspired to share highlights of your life together that will spark joyful memories that all of you will enjoy.

An anniversary party does not need to seem like a renewal of vows. It can simply be a party where people who love you gather to sing your praises and enjoy one another’s company. I say go for it, but remind your children that you would like for it to be low-key.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

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