DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I have been going to a therapist -- separately. I couldn’t get him to go with me, but he agreed to start by talking to her on his own. I feel like I am making a bit of progress when I talk to her, but he still refuses to talk together.

I don’t know what to do. I want to save my marriage, but it is clear that we need a mediator. We are a little closer by having this woman, but how can I get him to see that it would be really helpful for us to have her talk to the two of us together? -- Need Help

DEAR NEED HELP: Ask your therapist to help you develop language that your husband may be able to relate to about coming together for a therapy meeting. Ideally, your request should be optimistic and without judgment. You need to convey to your husband that you care deeply for him and your life together, and you want to figure out how to make your bond stronger so that both of you can be happier. Your invitation to him for a combined session comes from your desire to determine how you can communicate better and see your way to a rekindled closeness that will benefit both of you.

Do your best not to threaten your husband. No matter how frustrated you get, it rarely works. At the same time, understand your limits. Can you stay in your marriage as it is? What needs to change for you to feel confident that you can experience joy with your husband? What can you do now to ignite joy? Do what you can in search of a positive outcome. This includes optimistic gestures that you believe your husband will appreciate. You might also remind him of things you would welcome.

Also ask your therapist to make a request for a session with both of you.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I graduated from school several months ago and have been desperately looking for a job. I did well in school and had a couple of good internships, but I can’t seem to land anything yet. It is so frustrating. I feel like I did all the right things -- or at least what I was told I should do -- but it’s hard out there.

It’s demoralizing to hear that unemployment is at an all-time low. I see a whole lot of young people just like me who are out of work. How can I get my confidence up in this situation? I really need a job. I’m beginning to doubt myself. -- Need Work

DEAR NEED WORK: The best thing you can do is have patience and keep looking. I know that sounds awful when your financial needs are looming over your head, but your attitude is everything right now. If you get into a panic, it will be difficult for you to search with focus and even more challenging to sell yourself in a job interview.

Hunker down and know that you are not alone. It often takes time to find work. Look through every outlet that you know for jobs in your area of interest. Expand your search a bit beyond your comfort zone, too. Call on people you know who may have contacts in your area of interest. Relationships are just as important as education and preparedness -- sometimes more.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I was talking to one of my best friends, and she said something about my husband that was completely unacceptable. She was judgmental and rude, in my view. While we tend to talk about the things going on in our lives -- including what our spouses do right and wrong -- I always thought that it was off-limits for us to make comments about the other person’s spouse. I try to be a sounding board for her more than anything. I listen, but I do not make comments. Because she said some pretty bad things about my husband, I feel uncomfortable talking to her freely now. I want to tell her how I felt about her comments, but I’m not sure what to say. -- Saying Too Much

DEAR SAYING TOO MUCH: While we all need confidantes, it is important to understand that sometimes those people in whom we confide cannot keep their thoughts to themselves. In some cases, it’s actually best that they speak up, even if it does hurt our feelings at first.

That said, it isn’t a given that it’s OK for friends to talk about each other’s spouses or significant others. You are right that there should be a safe space among your closest friends to air your grievances without fear of any repercussion -- including a friend’s condemnation.

Speak to your friend and tell her how her comments affected you. Let her know how you would prefer that she communicate with you about your marriage -- mainly by listening only. Come to an agreement on what you can both live with. It is likely wise, though, for you to complain less to your friends if you are unwilling to get feedback from time to time.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I got married recently, and I now know that my wife is a horrible cook. We had never talked about cooking. I don’t cook, but I assumed that she could and would. I realize that this is old-fashioned thinking, but I believed it nonetheless. She is trying, but she really can’t cook, and it’s hard to eat what she prepares. I feel like a hypocrite in a way. I expect my wife to cook well, and I am mad that she can’t. What should I do? -- Bad Cook

DEAR BAD COOK: You have a couple of things to deal with. For starters, trying to run your life based upon an archaic conception of gender roles is not serving you, nor does it need to. Let that go. Instead, talk to your wife openly. Tell her you didn’t realize that she hadn’t learned to cook, as you have not either. Suggest that you learn together, and take turns preparing the family meal -- or even cook together, which creates another level of bonding for you.

Consider taking a cooking class or purchasing interesting cookbooks and perusing the recipes. Make it fun to learn to cook so that you do not insult her or judge your old ways too harshly. Instead, carve a new path together that is equally supportive.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I was clearing out a room in my house to try to get rid of clutter when I came across a stack of letters addressed to my husband. I was curious, so I opened them; I was horrified to discover that they came from another woman. We have been married for many years, so this bothers me. Has he had an affair that I don’t know about? Are they from an old flame that he never got over? What do I do with this discovery? I’m not trying to upset our life together. We are good -- or so I thought. But I can’t act like I didn’t find them. What should I do? -- Love Notes

DEAR LOVE NOTES: I can imagine that finding these letters has disturbed you. Given that they were tucked away, it seems they represent a moment from the past. If you feel you cannot let them go as relics, frame the conversation with your husband in a way that he will be inclined to answer. In other words, do not indict him. Just tell him what you found, and ask him who wrote the letters. Explain that you found them when you were cleaning up and opened them to discover that they represent what reads like a relationship between him and another woman. Tell him you are curious to know who she is and if she means anything to him today.

Listen to see what he tells you. If she truly is from the past, don’t feel you have to dredge up all the details. You can agree to stay in the present if you and your husband both agree that you are happy in the life you have now.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a question about bedtimes. My husband and I do not agree on when children should go to bed. We have two kids, ages 6 and 10. I believe they should both go to bed by 8 p.m. My husband says we should let them go to sleep whenever their bodies tell them to sleep. In theory, his idea sounds nice, but with kids today there are too many distractions. With video games and TV, they are wired if I let them stay up too late. The little one doesn’t have much homework, but the big one does. And school requires their full attention. How can I get my husband to see that a disciplined bedtime is good for them? -- Bedtime

DEAR BEDTIME: When children are young, I believe it is helpful to establish discipline in their routines, especially regarding bedtime. Some child psychologists believe children should go to sleep at the same time every day, including weekends. I am a bit more lenient.

What if you offered a compromise to your husband? Suggest that you be strict on weeknights but more flexible on Friday and Saturday nights. As long as all homework is completed, chores are done and they are able to get up on Monday morning on time, this plan that incorporates both of your philosophies may work.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)