DEAR HARRIETTE: I was talking to one of my best friends, and she said something about my husband that was completely unacceptable. She was judgmental and rude, in my view. While we tend to talk about the things going on in our lives -- including what our spouses do right and wrong -- I always thought that it was off-limits for us to make comments about the other person’s spouse. I try to be a sounding board for her more than anything. I listen, but I do not make comments. Because she said some pretty bad things about my husband, I feel uncomfortable talking to her freely now. I want to tell her how I felt about her comments, but I’m not sure what to say. -- Saying Too Much

DEAR SAYING TOO MUCH: While we all need confidantes, it is important to understand that sometimes those people in whom we confide cannot keep their thoughts to themselves. In some cases, it’s actually best that they speak up, even if it does hurt our feelings at first.

That said, it isn’t a given that it’s OK for friends to talk about each other’s spouses or significant others. You are right that there should be a safe space among your closest friends to air your grievances without fear of any repercussion -- including a friend’s condemnation.

Speak to your friend and tell her how her comments affected you. Let her know how you would prefer that she communicate with you about your marriage -- mainly by listening only. Come to an agreement on what you can both live with. It is likely wise, though, for you to complain less to your friends if you are unwilling to get feedback from time to time.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I got married recently, and I now know that my wife is a horrible cook. We had never talked about cooking. I don’t cook, but I assumed that she could and would. I realize that this is old-fashioned thinking, but I believed it nonetheless. She is trying, but she really can’t cook, and it’s hard to eat what she prepares. I feel like a hypocrite in a way. I expect my wife to cook well, and I am mad that she can’t. What should I do? -- Bad Cook

DEAR BAD COOK: You have a couple of things to deal with. For starters, trying to run your life based upon an archaic conception of gender roles is not serving you, nor does it need to. Let that go. Instead, talk to your wife openly. Tell her you didn’t realize that she hadn’t learned to cook, as you have not either. Suggest that you learn together, and take turns preparing the family meal -- or even cook together, which creates another level of bonding for you.

Consider taking a cooking class or purchasing interesting cookbooks and perusing the recipes. Make it fun to learn to cook so that you do not insult her or judge your old ways too harshly. Instead, carve a new path together that is equally supportive.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I was clearing out a room in my house to try to get rid of clutter when I came across a stack of letters addressed to my husband. I was curious, so I opened them; I was horrified to discover that they came from another woman. We have been married for many years, so this bothers me. Has he had an affair that I don’t know about? Are they from an old flame that he never got over? What do I do with this discovery? I’m not trying to upset our life together. We are good -- or so I thought. But I can’t act like I didn’t find them. What should I do? -- Love Notes

DEAR LOVE NOTES: I can imagine that finding these letters has disturbed you. Given that they were tucked away, it seems they represent a moment from the past. If you feel you cannot let them go as relics, frame the conversation with your husband in a way that he will be inclined to answer. In other words, do not indict him. Just tell him what you found, and ask him who wrote the letters. Explain that you found them when you were cleaning up and opened them to discover that they represent what reads like a relationship between him and another woman. Tell him you are curious to know who she is and if she means anything to him today.

Listen to see what he tells you. If she truly is from the past, don’t feel you have to dredge up all the details. You can agree to stay in the present if you and your husband both agree that you are happy in the life you have now.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a question about bedtimes. My husband and I do not agree on when children should go to bed. We have two kids, ages 6 and 10. I believe they should both go to bed by 8 p.m. My husband says we should let them go to sleep whenever their bodies tell them to sleep. In theory, his idea sounds nice, but with kids today there are too many distractions. With video games and TV, they are wired if I let them stay up too late. The little one doesn’t have much homework, but the big one does. And school requires their full attention. How can I get my husband to see that a disciplined bedtime is good for them? -- Bedtime

DEAR BEDTIME: When children are young, I believe it is helpful to establish discipline in their routines, especially regarding bedtime. Some child psychologists believe children should go to sleep at the same time every day, including weekends. I am a bit more lenient.

What if you offered a compromise to your husband? Suggest that you be strict on weeknights but more flexible on Friday and Saturday nights. As long as all homework is completed, chores are done and they are able to get up on Monday morning on time, this plan that incorporates both of your philosophies may work.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been working nonstop for about two months now, and I am completely exhausted. Obviously that means I should slow down, but the thing is that I am a freelancer. I’m afraid to turn down work when it’s coming on strong. Who knows when it will dry up and I will be broke again? I don’t want to risk being unavailable and then somebody else gets the job and they don’t call on me again. I’m also afraid that I will get sick if I don’t get some rest. What should I do? -- Stretched Too Thin

DEAR STRETCHED TOO THIN: Your level of paranoia is understandable, but I want to suggest to you that your current pace is impossible to maintain and unhealthy to boot. When you operate your life based on the belief that there is enough for you, even as there is enough for everyone else, you are able to breathe deeply and relax.

You deserve to have at least one day of rest every week. Your mind and body need to slow down and recuperate from the week. This is true even if you are a freelancer and worried about paying bills.

The best thing you can do for yourself for longevity’s sake is to establish a weekly rhythm that requires that you take at least one day off, preferably the same day weekly. You can let your clients know that you will give 100% on every day but your day off. It is OK to pass up work if your health will be jeopardized otherwise. You must also have faith that your quality of work is excellent and your commitment to your clients is sincere and well-noted, so that when you establish this most basic boundary, it will be respected.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been cleaning out my house, and I have discovered a ton of great stuff that I think some friends of mine might like. I have clothes and shoes and bags -- all kinds of things. I want to be able to offer my things to my friends before I give them to charity, but I don’t want to insult anybody who may wonder why I chose them to give it to. How can I offer my things to others in a way that they will feel special rather than like a charity case? -- Gifting My Things

DEAR GIFTING MY THINGS: You can speak directly with particular friends to tell them what you are doing and that you have found some things you believe would be perfect for them. Ask if they would accept your items. That way, they can say yes or no.

You can also consider hosting a clothing/accessories swap where you bring the bulk of items that you have to offer, and others do the same. Then you invite people who may be interested in such an affair. You create a social atmosphere that is ripe for giving and receiving, and where no one needs to feel uncomfortable about accepting other people’s hand-me-downs.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)