life

Woman Crosses Line by Scolding Diabetic Co-worker

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | October 8th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have diabetes. I am taking the proper medication for it, and I think it is mostly under control. Occasionally I like to eat sweets, but I try to keep it in check.

Recently, I was out with some co-workers, and when I ordered an ice cream, my colleague chastised me, telling me that it was not good for my health. I was offended. My doctor says that I can have sweets in moderation, which is what I do. But even if I chose to eat the whole ice cream store, it shouldn’t be her business to weigh in on my choices.

How can I get her to understand that she was out of line? It was really awful, especially because she said something in front of other colleagues who don’t even know I am diabetic. -- Crossing the Line

DEAR CROSSING THE LINE: Your co-worker friend knows about your health challenges and was able to speak on it because you shared that information with her. I point this out because you have to be mindful about the people with whom you share your private business. You can speak to her privately and let her know that you believe she has your best interests at heart, but you felt she was out of line telling you what not to eat, especially in front of other people. Remind her that you are an adult and are responsible for your choices. Add that the other co-workers do not know your health concerns, and you do not want them to know. Her outburst represented a breach of confidentiality, as far as you are concerned.

Make it clear that you believe she was looking out for you, but you would appreciate her keeping her comments to herself. Check in with your doctor to be as specific as possible about what you can and cannot eat so that you stay the course.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for October 08, 2019

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | October 8th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I suspect that my super sometimes comes into my apartment when I am not at home. He’s the only one with a key. I come home on occasion and it looks like things have been disturbed a bit. This is creepy. There is no reason for him to come into my apartment. As far as I know, there have been no emergencies that would warrant him needing to enter. Plus, shouldn’t he tell me if he does? The rules of my building require that the super keeps a key. How can I get him to stop letting himself in, or even prove that he does? -- Creepy Super

DEAR CREEPY SUPER: It’s time to invest in a device that will show you every time someone comes to your door. You can also install a monitor for inside your apartment so that you can see when someone enters. Many security companies offer these devices now, often with immediate alerts on your smartphone that will show you the activity that is happening at your door. With proof, you can go to your management company to file a formal complaint about the super.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Ex Won’t Explain Why She Dumped Partner

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | October 7th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My girlfriend broke up with me right after we celebrated her birthday. We had a nice dinner together, I thought, but then she dumped me. She said she wanted to make sure that we ended on a good note before it was over. That’s why she said that she planned the nice meal.

I am so confused. I didn’t see it coming. We had been getting along, as far as I could tell. Little issues here and there, but nothing major. Then we had this amazing night out, and -- boom -- I’m toast. I want to know why, but she won’t say anything. She told me it’s over and that should be enough for me.

I feel like I deserve an explanation, but she’s not talking. What can I do to get some closure here? I am freaked out by this. -- Bad Ending

DEAR BAD ENDING: Of course it would be kind of your ex-girlfriend to explain why she broke up with you, but you cannot force her to do so. That sucks, I know, but it’s true. She thinks that she handled the breakup in a thoughtful manner. You were doubly confused by her kindness, which seems almost cruel when you realize what she was planning.

As difficult as it is now, the best thing for you to do is to stand down. Since you cannot force her to reveal the underlying reasons for the breakup, the best you can do for yourself is to move on. Yes, it will be difficult. But do your best to occupy your time in other ways. Spend time with friends who were not part of your circle with her. Resist the temptation to talk about her. Consider going to a mental health counselor who can help you process your new reality and come up with tools to support your future. Give yourself time. But stop reaching out to her.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for October 07, 2019

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | October 7th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I was ill recently, and I spent some time in the hospital. Due to my illness, I have gained about 20 pounds, and my clothes don’t fit the same. I went shopping the other day, but everything made me look fat. I’m so distraught. I’m not feeling my best, and now I look horrible in my clothes. The salesperson assured me that I looked fine. I know her, so I don’t think she would lie, but right now I can’t trust myself. How can I get past this feeling of terror about my body? -- Feeling Fat

DEAR FEELING FAT: Before you do anything else, acknowledge how grateful you are to be alive after your medical ordeal. You are still healing from whatever drove you to the hospital, so take it easy on yourself. You may want to ask your doctor what you can eat to help heal your body completely and lose weight responsibly. If you are allowed to exercise, that may also help ease your discomfort.

Because you are so sensitive to how your body has changed, now is a good time to trust the salesperson to help you select a few wardrobe items to fit your body today.

As your body heals, you may consider getting a therapist to help you navigate this tender time in your life. You can address your physical and mental health concerns in a safe space.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Unpaid Interns Reap Priceless Benefits

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | October 5th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have just started a new company and have a small team of people working with me, plus several unpaid interns. I need everyone in order to get things off the ground, and my resources are very limited right now. I give college credit whenever the schools allow, but sometimes the interns are simply volunteering.

One of my friends got mad at me for this and said I was like a slave owner. I took great offense to this. I am not forcing anybody to do anything. I am teaching them how to do the work that my company does, and when I can afford it, I will pay everybody. There is no lying or cheating or abuse at all. I have been upfront about how I work from the start. Do you think what I am doing is wrong? -- UNPAID INTERNS

DEAR UNPAID INTERNS: Obviously, if you can afford to pay volunteers, they would appreciate it. But I must say that I believe in internships, however they come. I got to New York City by creating two unpaid internships for myself. If I hadn't gotten that job experience writing for two small newspapers -- for free -- I wouldn't have had clips that helped me secure my first job at a national magazine.

Because of that, I always have interns. Over the years, some have been paid, others not. It depends on the size of my budget. I definitely have worked with schools to exchange work for academic credit, but I also accept interns who are not in school. I believe that the opportunity to get job experience can be invaluable. The symbiotic relationship that an intern and mentor can have is priceless. If you do your part to teach your intern and help to create employment options for him or her, you will be doing your job.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for October 05, 2019

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | October 5th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My daughter met a friend at school who is related to someone I sometimes work for. I have complained about this woman ad nauseam, so I got worried as to what my daughter told her friend about her. My daughter told me that her friend made negative comments about the woman, which made me believe that my daughter also had some things to say. I asked again, but she didn't say more.

I am worried that my daughter shared too much, based on what I have told her when I have been going off at home about something that she said or did. Today I made it clear that some information is private, and other information is public. But I think it may be too late for this situation. What should I do if I am approached by my boss about what will seem like hearsay? -- HEARSAY

DEAR HEARSAY: If your boss approaches you, don't lie. You can apologize for anything that you may have said that reflected poorly on her. You can admit that sometimes you unpack the events of your day at home, and you have said some things about work that frustrated you, which you didn't expect to be repeated.

To your daughter, remind her that what you say at home, especially negative things, should be kept in confidence. The big message for you is not to unload so openly, even around your daughter. She shouldn't have to keep your secrets.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

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