DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently got a tattoo on my arm without my boyfriend knowing, and when I told him, he freaked out a bit. He apologized later, but this really struck a nerve with me. I am going to ask him why he thought this was such a big deal; he shouldn’t think he has control over my body. How should I approach the relationship if that is the case? -- Tattoo Girl

DEAR TATTOO GIRL: Your action brings up lots of questions. Do you have tattoos already? Does he? Have you ever talked about what tattoos mean to you?

Your boyfriend’s freakout could have come for any number of reasons. He might be controlling, and if that is the case, you obviously can take a stand that he has no right to control your body. But look a little deeper; tattooing your body is something that people have strong opinions about. Do you know how he feels? Given that you are in a relationship with him, it is worth finding out. This lands in the space of values. What are each of your values around this action? Given that tattoos are permanent, I think it is fair for couples to discuss them before they commit to them -- not for permission, but for understanding.

Let this moment create space for the two of you to talk about a range of things that matter to you and how you make decisions. Tattoos can be part of the conversation, but not the only topic.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I want to pursue my passion in writing, but I am currently in a prestigious engineering program, and my parents have put a lot of pressure on me to perform well. I do not want to disappoint my parents, but I do not think I will be able to write as well with this much pressure and academic stress going on in my life. What should I do? -- Writer Engineer

DEAR WRITER ENGINEER: What do you want to do with your life? You need to answer that fundamental question. Can you see yourself as an engineer? If so, pursue that field with passion and focus, committing as much time as necessary to be successful. Simultaneously, you can commit time each weekend to your writing pursuits. Many people have double majors in school. Find out if you can incorporate writing into your program, either as a major or a minor, or even just with supplementary classes.

If you do not want to be an engineer, own that and tell your parents. It takes a lot of time, money and commitment to make it as an engineer. If you cannot be serious at it, don’t waste your parents’ money. But know that if you defy the plan that they have for you that you agreed to follow, they may not be as financially supportive of your dreams.

This is when your own interests and intentions need to kick in. What do you want? What are you willing to work to achieve? How badly do you want to be a writer? Are you willing to work at it every day? Test your resolve before you decide to defy your parents. I am definitely one who believes in pursuing your dreams, but you have to be ready, willing and strong enough to stick to your own plan in order to be a success at what you say you want to do. The funny thing is, if you can get yourself fully aligned to launch your dream, chances are your parents will be supportive because they will see that you are ready.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I visited my sister recently, and I wore a dress that I had on in a photo on social media about two years ago. Innocently, she asked me how I know how to pose in these social media photos so that I look slim. She said, “No offense, but in person you look 20 pounds heavier than in that picture. What did you do? I want to know how to do that.”

I was so embarrassed. I know she didn’t mean to hurt my feelings. We love each other so much. I believe she wanted posing advice. The truth is that I probably have gained close to 20 pounds since that photo. I told her as much, but I also now feel even more self-conscious.

I’m not mad at her. I guess I’m mad at myself for not realizing how out of shape I have become. What should I do? -- Photos Don’t Lie

DEAR PHOTOS DON’T LIE: Consider this moment a wake-up call. It sounds like the last thing your sister meant to do was insult you, so don’t take it as that. Instead, envision yourself in that same dress 20 pounds lighter. You were there only two years ago. With diet and exercise, you can get there again. Commit to exercising a minimum of three days a week. The easiest thing you can do is walk. You can walk at your own pace, preferably for 10,000 steps each day. You may also want to record everything you eat. Watch out for carbs, sugar and too much meat. If you make your diet lean and low-calorie, you will begin to shave off the pounds. Good luck!

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a friend whose husband is at least 20 years older than her. He is a nice man and has been lots of fun over the years, but now he is up in age and not doing so well.

Talking about age has always been a sensitive topic for her. In the early years, it was because they had way more things than the rest of us because he was more advanced in his career and had money. Now it is because he is not so healthy and uses a wheelchair. I want to be there for my friend, but I’m not sure how to get past her impenetrable wall of privacy. -- Support My Friend

DEAR SUPPORT MY FRIEND: Since your friend has been private all along, chances are slim that she is suddenly going to open up. That said, you can make it clear that you want to help her in any way that you can. Invite her out, just the two of you, and try to get her to talk a bit about her life as you share what’s going on in yours. State the obvious: You have noticed that her husband is a wheelchair user and doesn’t seem to be in great health. Ask if she needs any support. Remind her of good times that you have had together over the years, and speak of highlights that you know about her husband. Tell her that you respect him -- and her -- and that you would like to support in any way you can. That’s all you can do.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: When I was straightening up my son’s room while he was at camp this summer, I found a vape pen inside his pillowcase. I knew that he has tried vaping, because we talked about it. But I was crystal clear with him that it is bad for him and that he should not continue it. He assured me that he did not like it, he did it a long time ago and it was over. I was shocked to find this little thing that looks like a USB drive in his pillow.

How should I address this with him? I want to keep the lines of communication open. He is a teenager, so I know he will try things, but I don’t want him to lie. -- Don’t Vape

DEAR DON’T VAPE: Keeping an even tone, present your findings to your son, and tell him that you found it in his room when you were cleaning up. Ask him why he had it. Give him space to answer. Tell him that you want to trust him, but you recall that he said he tried vaping but did not like it; you do not understand why he would have a vape pen in his possession.

Use this opportunity to ask him to tell you what else he has tried. Create space for the two of you to talk. If you are too harsh, he may lie or shut down and not talk to you. You can make it clear that you do not approve of nicotine or drug use. You can also let him know that you want to be able to talk openly with him about his choices and that you understand that sometimes he will make mistakes. That said, do not give him back the vape pen!

DEAR HARRIETTE: My mother is having a big birthday, and she wants to have a party. My siblings and I are going to host it for her, which will be great. At first I wasn’t involved in any of the planning. I asked to participate, and now I am getting details. Among them is the cost of the event. I feel terrible. I used to be successful in my career, but I have fallen on hard times. I cannot afford to pay an equal share in the cost of the event. I hate having to say this to my siblings. It makes me feel like such a loser. The reality is, though, that I don’t have the money. How should I address this? I don’t want to ignore it, because it will just get awkward later. -- Elephant in the Room

DEAR ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM: You need to be upfront with your siblings right away. You may want to choose to talk to the one with whom you are the closest. State what is likely obvious to all of them: You have limited resources. Express your desire to help with the party in whatever ways that you can, but make it clear that you cannot afford to split the bill with them. You can offer to contribute a particular amount that is manageable to you, possibly over time. Offer to contribute in other ways that may be helpful and that may be valuable responsibilities that you can assume rather than incurring additional costs.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)