DEAR HARRIETTE: When I was straightening up my son’s room while he was at camp this summer, I found a vape pen inside his pillowcase. I knew that he has tried vaping, because we talked about it. But I was crystal clear with him that it is bad for him and that he should not continue it. He assured me that he did not like it, he did it a long time ago and it was over. I was shocked to find this little thing that looks like a USB drive in his pillow.

How should I address this with him? I want to keep the lines of communication open. He is a teenager, so I know he will try things, but I don’t want him to lie. -- Don’t Vape

DEAR DON’T VAPE: Keeping an even tone, present your findings to your son, and tell him that you found it in his room when you were cleaning up. Ask him why he had it. Give him space to answer. Tell him that you want to trust him, but you recall that he said he tried vaping but did not like it; you do not understand why he would have a vape pen in his possession.

Use this opportunity to ask him to tell you what else he has tried. Create space for the two of you to talk. If you are too harsh, he may lie or shut down and not talk to you. You can make it clear that you do not approve of nicotine or drug use. You can also let him know that you want to be able to talk openly with him about his choices and that you understand that sometimes he will make mistakes. That said, do not give him back the vape pen!

DEAR HARRIETTE: My mother is having a big birthday, and she wants to have a party. My siblings and I are going to host it for her, which will be great. At first I wasn’t involved in any of the planning. I asked to participate, and now I am getting details. Among them is the cost of the event. I feel terrible. I used to be successful in my career, but I have fallen on hard times. I cannot afford to pay an equal share in the cost of the event. I hate having to say this to my siblings. It makes me feel like such a loser. The reality is, though, that I don’t have the money. How should I address this? I don’t want to ignore it, because it will just get awkward later. -- Elephant in the Room

DEAR ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM: You need to be upfront with your siblings right away. You may want to choose to talk to the one with whom you are the closest. State what is likely obvious to all of them: You have limited resources. Express your desire to help with the party in whatever ways that you can, but make it clear that you cannot afford to split the bill with them. You can offer to contribute a particular amount that is manageable to you, possibly over time. Offer to contribute in other ways that may be helpful and that may be valuable responsibilities that you can assume rather than incurring additional costs.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My girlfriend and I broke up a month ago. We had been dating for two years when things went bad, and we decided to call it quits. I had a one-night stand during our break, but I have been communicating with my ex again, and it seems like we both want to get back together at some point. Should I tell her about my one-night stand immediately, or should I wait for her to ask about it? -- Getting Back Together

DEAR GETTING BACK TOGETHER: I vote for keeping that information to yourself. You say that you broke up with your ex before this happened, which means that you did not break any covenant of fidelity to her. Revealing that you were intimate with someone else -- even if it was only for one night -- is likely to trigger all kinds of worries and emotions. That isn’t necessary.

If the two of you are seriously interested in trying to be in a relationship again, talk about what you want, and be honest about what’s important to you. Be honest about your priorities and needs. Give each other space to talk through your hopes and fears. Figure out if there seems to be a way forward for you.

In the context of these talks, if it seems natural to reveal what happened, you may do so. But it is not necessary or wise to volunteer that information at the start. Having a one-night stand or even dating for an extended period of time when you were not together is separate from your relationship.

DEAR HARRIETTE: One of my employees has been acting differently at work. I manage a boutique -- including the employees -- and while his change has not been negative, it has been perplexing. He used to be somewhat social with customers, but now he fluctuates between being social and closed off. I do not know if this change is a good thing or a bad thing for him personally, but it is odd for the store. I want to ask him about it, but I do not know what to say. How should I approach this situation? -- Perplexed Boss

DEAR PERPLEXED BOSS: Your powers of observation are revealing to you that something is going on in this man’s life. Be gentle as you approach him. Let him know that you want to check in with him. Tell him that you have noticed that he is acting a bit differently. Be specific when you point out moments when he has been engaging with customers and other times when he has been closed off. Point out what you would consider his baseline behavior to be and how his recent behavior differs. Ask him if he has noticed what you are mentioning. Also inquire as to whether everything is OK in his world, or if something different is happening.

Choose your words carefully. Don’t suggest that something is wrong. Saying that you notice that he is acting differently is less charged. If he reveals what’s going on with him, do your best to help him if he needs it. If he does not, make it clear to him how you need him to engage customers, and let him know you will support him as best you can. If he continues to demonstrate mood swings, you will have to decide if there is something else he can do that involves less interaction with the public.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I was working on an intense project recently, and after a while, everybody got pretty testy, mainly because of the long hours and the lack of sleep or breaks. One of the members of the team, who has worked on this job for many years, has a short fuse; he started grumbling about the work conditions. He was pretty harmless -- mostly just letting off steam -- but it got back to the big boss, who was very upset. My co-worker apologized, but he continued to grumble about things in private while we were still at the work site. He didn’t seem to understand that he should keep his thoughts to himself until he was safely away from the job. How can I impress that upon him? He’s a nice guy and a hard worker, but I fear he will lose his job if he keeps this up. -- Shut Your Mouth

DEAR SHUT YOUR MOUTH: I worked on a project once with a high-level businessman, Earl G. Graves, founder of Black Enterprise. I was a young professional, and he entrusted me with supporting him on an important project. One day after a productive meeting, we were in an elevator leaving the building when I began to talk about how great I thought the meeting went. Immediately, he turned to me and said, “Wait until we clear the building.” When we got outside, he told me that you should never debrief in any way, including to say nice things, until you are completely off-site and out of earshot of your client. I never forgot that.

Tell your friend that if he wants to be successful, he must learn to be mum when silence is called for. That especially includes tense times when in the company of the boss!

DEAR HARRIETTE: I met a guy at a social work function and, after talking to him for a while, realized that we have a couple of mutual friends. One of them is the best friend of my ex-husband. We broke up more than 30 years ago, but it was not a good breakup, and I was not nice.

I didn’t know what to say to my colleague when we parted ways. I gave him the briefest heads up, telling him that I knew his friend because he was friends with my ex, and we had a bad breakup. I indicated that I told him so he wouldn’t be caught off guard in case it came up. I knew he was going to call his friend to say we met and how much fun we had together at this event. This man’s last interaction with me was about my ex, and it wasn’t positive. Did I do the right thing? -- Managing Expectations

DEAR MANAGING EXPECTATIONS: What you did was fine, in that you made sure the man wouldn’t find himself flat-footed if your name did come up in a bad light. It also could have been fine for you to say nothing. Your ex’s best friend likely has fewer memories of your past than you do. It could have been a nonissue entirely if you hadn’t mentioned that part of the past.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)