life

Mom Feels Unappreciated in the Kitchen

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | August 26th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: Before I had my son, I never cooked. My husband and I live in New York City, so it was easy to order in or go out; we could eat healthy at a good price. But after we had our son, we had to start preparing meals. I took on dinner and have become good at it.

My issue is that my family takes me for granted. I will make what I consider a masterpiece with exactly their favorites, and they won’t even say thank you. Or if we have all been out for a long day, they come home and chill while I immediately go in the kitchen and whip up something for us to eat. I realize that this is a parent’s job, especially a mom’s, but I also think I deserve some kind of basic acknowledgment. Whenever my husband or son do anything, I take the time to recognize their efforts. How can I get them to be more attentive? -- Good Manners

DEAR GOOD MANNERS: I have a friend who taught her children -- and, in turn, her husband -- to say thank you at every meal. It was part of the discipline she imposed on the family so that the children would learn how to be gracious. I watched her enforce this behavior, which included having them comment on what they enjoyed about the meal. This was her way of making it clear that it is important to acknowledge when people put forth effort on your behalf, even if they are your parents.

You should talk to your son and husband and remind them of the importance of acknowledging good actions. Expand it beyond the dinner table, because it really is broader than that. Point out times when you can thank each other for kindnesses. Train them to be more thoughtful.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for August 26, 2019

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | August 26th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My girlfriend likes to show me off on social media, but I do not enjoy her sharing everyday things that I do with her to her entire following. I realize this is probably due to her having bad relationships with horrible people in the past, and I’m unsure if I blame her for it. How can I tell her my boundaries without hurting her? -- Boundary Boyfriend

DEAR BOUNDARY BOYFRIEND: You have a right to your privacy, even in this age of social media. You have to talk to your girlfriend and let her know specifically what you approve for her to share and what you want to keep private. She won’t like this at first. People love being able to post whatever they want when they want these days, but you can put your foot down. Tell her that you value your privacy and your relationship, but that there are some things that you want to keep sacred. That includes the day-to-day of your relationship. If she is unable to comply, stop allowing her to take photos of the mundane experiences so that she doesn’t have them to post.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Student Embarrassed When Friends See Real Hair

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | August 24th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been wearing my hair straight for many years, even though it is naturally curly. I’m now a student at a relatively conservative, mostly white school, and it may not seem like a big deal, but one way I fit in is by wearing my hair like my classmates.

The other day we had a terrible, unexpected rainstorm. I got caught out in the rain, and, needless to say, my hair turned -- it became curly and frizzy. I didn’t have a hair tie or anything, so I was exposed. It was awful. I felt so uncomfortable. My classmates had a million questions about my hair, and, of course, they wanted to touch it. I wanted to die. It’s not that I’m pretending I’m not black, but I didn’t want to draw attention to my differences through my hair. How should I handle this? -- Hair Sensitivity

DEAR HAIR SENSITIVITY: When my daughter was in middle school, she never wanted to wear her hair curly because nobody else at her school had curly hair. It took her moving to a new school where there was more diversity for her to fully embrace what I had been telling her all along -- namely, that she is blessed with hair that she can wear in many different styles, from curly to straight. She should embrace that flexibility. And so should you.

Rather than hiding away your natural hair, learn how to style it in more than one way that will showcase who you are. Be proud of your uniqueness. This change in attitude will help others to respect your differences as well. Allow your hair to be an icebreaker in conversations. You can absolutely reserve the right to tell people “hands off,” even as you more willingly share stories about your hair and your cultural experiences that may be different from theirs. Learn to laugh about getting caught in the rain, and include that story in your repertoire!

life

Sense & Sensitivity for August 24, 2019

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | August 24th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have friends who have been married for nearly 40 years. When my husband and I learned that we were going to have a baby, the husband told us to make sure that we put our marriage first, before our child. I thought that was odd. He said that the children go away. If you want to keep your marriage, you better make sure that you make it a priority.

I didn’t think much of it then, but now that our son is about to go away to college, I’m remembering his advice. We didn’t necessarily follow it. Today, we get along OK, but I worry about what will happen when our son is gone. Is it too late to get closer to my husband? -- Rekindle the Flame

DEAR REKINDLE THE FLAME: It is never too late to express your love for your husband. Now may be the perfect time to talk about this next phase in your lives and how you want to spend your time. Talk to your husband about the fact that your son will be leaving soon. Point out that this is your chance to spend more time together. Suggest that you start now by going on dates with each other and with other adult friends. Don’t wait until your son moves out to capture loving moments together.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Talent Agent Causing Problems With Career

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | August 23rd, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m working with a talent agency, and my agent constantly messes up appointments. He makes a lot of typos and is hard to contact to get clarification. Sometimes his mistakes make me late for auditions, so I want to improve my communication with him. What can I do? -- Agent Problems

DEAR AGENT PROBLEMS: It sounds like you need a new agent. That’s a lot easier said than done, though. If possible, go into the office so that you can have a face-to-face meeting with him, even if you go without an appointment. You need to plead with him to pay more attention to you and your career. Remind him how eager you are to make it in your field and that you need his help to get there. Do not chastise him. Instead, boost his ego by pointing out how important he is in your life. Tell him that you want to be on time -- early, even -- for auditions, but there have been occasions when he has given you misinformation about appointment times or locations, causing you to be late. Ask him what you can do to help support him.

To double-check bookings, continue to write back to him to reconfirm anything he schedules for you. Be pleasant in tone but clear that you need him to respond so that you can be ready to do your part.

If it doesn’t improve, you will need to speak to his manager to see if you can be transferred to another agent who may be more attentive. This could backfire, so get ready to find a different agency if this cannot be amicably resolved.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for August 23, 2019

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | August 23rd, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m thinking about studying photography at the liberal arts college I attend, but I’m worried that the industry is going to have more issues as phone cameras improve. I know that your husband is a photographer, so you must have insight into this industry. Do you think that the photography industry is dying? -- Aspiring Photographer

DEAR ASPIRING PHOTOGRAPHER: You are right. My husband has been a working photographer for his entire career. He talks about the changes in the industry, including the fact that “everyone thinks they are a photographer now,” due to the advent of smartphones with higher-quality cameras.

That said, he suggests that if you fine-tune your craft, learn lighting and work hard to define your style, there is a chance for you in this industry. You do have to differentiate yourself from the pack, but that was always true.

Further, for professional images, you need more than something captured on a camera phone. So being trained and then actively pursuing a professional career is wise if your heart is set on this field. Images will always be important in storytelling.

The other side of the industry today is that you have to work very hard at self-promotion. Make yourself known so that you have a chance at earning a living in a crowded field. If this is your heart’s desire, go for it!

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

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