life

Son Wants to Help Stressed-Out Mother

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | August 21st, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My mother has been getting upset at my grandmother a lot recently, and it has been hard on my family. My mother gets stressed out because she regulates my grandmother’s medications and manages her diet, exercise and various health problems. However, she then ends up getting burnt out to the point that there is yelling and crying every few days. I’m not sure how much I can do, but I’d like to support both of them so this happens less. How can I be of help? -- Supportive Son

DEAR SUPPORTIVE SON: You can be a sounding board for your mother. She may need to talk about the stress she is under and let off some steam. Let her know that you are there for her and willing to help in whatever ways you can.

You can also do some research. Look online for local resources that may be able to help with elder care. If your grandmother can go to a care facility for older people during the day, it may provide some peace for your mother. Sometimes these can be affordable and insurance may cover the cost. Your mother can also look into a visiting nurse service, where a professional nurse comes in to tend to a patient’s needs, including administering medication. Look up these things and present options to your mother. Your initiative will please her and may also help her to find ways to ease the challenges she has.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for August 21, 2019

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | August 21st, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’ve been traveling a lot recently, and it has been limiting the amount of time I can be with my family. This has been hard on me, and also on my son and my wife. We like spending time together, and I have been gone several days a week on a consistent basis. What can I do to make the most out of my time with my family, and how can I feel like I’m there even when I’m not? -- Traveling Husband

DEAR TRAVELING HUSBAND: First of all, it is wonderful that you have a close-knit family and want to keep it that way. Thanks to technology, it won’t be as hard as you might think. Schedule daily calls with them while you are away. You can use FaceTime or some other program to be able to see and talk to them. If your schedule while traveling is somewhat erratic, it will still work, just be sure to put the call on your calendar. It could be early in the morning, later in the evening or at the dinner hour. The call doesn’t need to be long, but being able to see each other’s faces is priceless.

If you travel internationally, you may want to use the free app, WhatsApp. This will enable you to make free phone calls to each other from virtually anywhere in the world. You can also send voice messages so that your family can receive them at their convenience, and vice versa.

When you are home, be sure to schedule time when you are together. You don’t have to do anything special. Just make time to be in each other’s company and talk.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Boyfriend Disappears for the Summer

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | August 20th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been dating a guy this year who seemed attentive. We would get together at least once a week, sometimes more. Then summer came. He has been virtually absent all summer long. There has always been an excuse, like he had to travel here or there to deal with family or to help a sick friend. Summer is almost over, and I have hardly seen him. It has been so bad that I haven’t even been able to sit down with him and find out what’s going on. He couldn’t be more different now than he was for the previous six months. Should I just move on, or should I try to get a handle on things? -- Rogue Boyfriend

DEAR ROGUE BOYFRIEND: If you can’t even find your “boyfriend” in order to talk to him about his absence, you need to take a step back. You don’t necessarily have to do anything, just stop trying to force something to happen. Clearly, he has made other choices that have filled his time for the past several weeks. You don’t like it, and you can’t seem to do anything about it. Stepping away is a viable option.

If and when he resurfaces, be quiet and let him explain himself. Don’t be quick to take him back, though. Being with you wasn’t convenient for him for an entire season; should it be convenient for you now?

life

Sense & Sensitivity for August 20, 2019

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | August 20th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: A trusted and close family member of mine has a problem with spending money that she does not have. She uses my credit cards, along with certain other relatives' credit cards, sometimes asking for permission and other times behind our backs. She is always asking to borrow money. This family member claims she doesn’t live to impress others, but I think that has a lot to do with it. She buys fancy clothes and goes on vacation, but then will end up late for rent.

We have had several talks with her, but nothing seems to work. Whenever I ask about a trip she is taking and if she can afford it, she lies and says she has the money for it. I recognize this as an unhealthy addiction and would like advice on how to get her to stop these habits that could harm not just her, but us as well. I don't think she will take well to us calling her out on her actions. -- End the Addiction

DEAR END THE ADDICTION: What you and your family can do is stop enabling this family member. There is no reason she should have access to your credit cards, for starters. Go to the issuer and cancel those cards and get new ones issued with new numbers that you do not give her. When she asks to borrow money, say no. Be strong, and refuse to help her. She needs to hit rock bottom in order to learn how to rise from the ashes. As hard as it may be for you to stand by and watch this happen, this is your job now. You can also refer her to debtorsanonymous.org.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Reader Upset by Bad Breath

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | August 19th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have never been someone to have bad breath -- at least as far as I know -- but the other day I was participating in a meeting with a small group of people, and I noticed that whenever I was speaking, they would hold their hands up to their noses. They tried to be discreet about it, but I figured it out after a while.

To be honest, my mouth didn’t taste fresh. I should have brushed my teeth again since my mouth didn’t seem clean, but I was rushing to get to this meeting, so I didn’t. I was mortified when I realized that they were covering their noses because of me. After that, I angled my mouth down and turned away while talking just so I wouldn’t disgust them. When I had a chance I went to the bathroom and rinsed my mouth. Should I have done anything else? I was so embarrassed. -- Bad Breath

DEAR BAD BREATH: You probably consumed something the night before that didn’t move through your body efficiently. You should pay close attention in the coming days to see if halitosis affects you again. If so, you may want to get a medical checkup just to make sure that nothing more serious is going on. Bad breath can be an indicator of a medical condition.

Since you believe you didn’t brush your teeth well, make sure you are more conscientious about brushing, flossing and using an antiseptic mouthwash in the future. As far as what you should do if faced with offensive bad breath in the future, pay attention to how others in close proximity react to you. You were wise to angle your mouth away from them so that you weren’t unwittingly directing your breath toward them. You might want to keep mints or antiseptic breath strips handy. They can help neutralize bad breath in the moment.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for August 19, 2019

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | August 19th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I just learned that my co-worker had a heart attack. He is in his mid-50s and way fitter than I am. I was shocked. When I asked him a few questions, I learned that he comes from a family of people with heart disease, and most of the people in his immediate family died before they were his age or close to his age.

My co-worker seems to be taking this seriously, but he also admitted that he has worked two jobs for most of his life and he feels like he needs to keep doing that in order to take care of his family. He says he knows this could cost him his life, but he doesn’t know how to slow down. What can I do to help him make a different decision? He is married with young kids. I can’t imagine him dying. -- Saving My Friend

DEAR SAVING MY FRIEND: You can encourage him to think about the big picture. It might be tough to have fewer dollars to spread around, but if he is gone, his family will not just be without him, but also without any of his income. Encourage him to think about them and do whatever the doctor says to stay as healthy as possible. Retiring from one of his two jobs is something for him to consider.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

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