life

Rude 15-Year-Old Can Handle Confrontation

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | August 14th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: We recently went on a family vacation, and our overall time was great. However, there were some uncomfortable moments. My father invited some of his family from Florida and South Carolina, and instead of exhibiting Southern charm, they were pretty rude. Our family welcomed them with open arms and tried to show them a good time, but they seemed ungrateful.

One 15-year-old kept making rude comments about my sisters and me, and when we had had enough, we confronted him about it. My dad was upset with us because he believed that since he is a minor, his mother should have been made aware of his behavior. My sisters and I are in our early 20s. What would you have done if you were in our situation? -- Family Reunion Blues

DEAR FAMILY REUNION BLUES: Your father wanted to be a gracious host. Despite whatever squabbles occurred, he wanted to stay above the fray. That is a noble philosophy, but it doesn’t take into account what happens in the moment.

As young adults, I understand why you felt you should have the agency to speak up for yourselves when your teenage cousin had gone too far with his rude comments. You haven’t detailed exactly what transpired to provoke your reaction nor specifically what you said to your cousin, but in general I can say that it can be helpful for people to work out their differences face to face if it can be done civilly. It is also true that the parent of a minor can and should be informed if that child is behaving inappropriately. In that case, the protocol would have been for you to report the behavior to your father and have him speak to the parent.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for August 14, 2019

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | August 14th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My brother is a single parent. This summer he unexpectedly dropped off his 4-year-old at our mom's house. He said he feels overwhelmed by being a single parent and needs some time to himself to recalibrate. I live close to our mom, so I’ve been helping her out, but it's quite an imposition on both of us to care for our niece for the whole summer. I love my niece, but she’s not our responsibility. How can I find the balance between helping out my brother and maintaining my own life balance? -- Drawing the Line

DEAR DRAWING THE LINE: Clear lines of communication are needed here. Being a single parent can feel overwhelming at times, and as the saying goes, it does take a village to raise a child. But the village needs to be aware and willing. Dropping off a child without warning is irresponsible, even if the drop-off is to Mom’s house.

A plan should have been designed that everyone signed off on regarding time for taking the child, shared responsibilities, along with any quirks or peculiarities about the child that the family should know. It is not too late to call your brother and come to a meeting of the minds about what’s happening now. He may need to pick up his daughter early if the visit is too much of an imposition.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Mother Finds It Hard To Be Only Woman in House

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | August 13th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a woman with a husband and a 19-year-old son, and recently I’ve been finding it difficult to be the only woman in the household. Sometimes it feels like I can be heard only when I raise my voice. What course of action can I take to convey these feelings to my husband and my son in a healthier manner? -- Mother's Voice

DEAR MOTHER’S VOICE: Start by talking to your husband. Remind him that this is an important time for you both to have a good rapport with your child, and you need his support. Tell him that you have noticed that the two of them often exclude you and that you find it necessary to shout in order to be heard. Ask your husband to help the family dynamics by noticing when each of them needs to stop and give you the floor, or at least welcome you into the conversation.

Next, talk to your son. Tell him about the importance of having meaningful conversation. Ask for his support. Be mindful not to ask too many questions. Teenagers don’t like that.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for August 13, 2019

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | August 13th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: Occasionally, I have difficulty with bouts of loneliness. I have good friends and a good support system around me; however, sometimes it feels that I cannot express feelings that I internalize. I’ve been going to therapy to deal with this, but I’m having difficulty opening up to the therapist, and it seems like the therapy will not be beneficial to me. Is there any way for me become more comfortable expressing to others the thoughts that I’ve been internalizing for so long? -- Mr. Lonely

DEAR MR. LONELY: It is difficult to open up and share what’s going on inside for you. That is normal. In order to get past that, you need to convince yourself that getting support from a professional may help you to be free of your challenging feelings. You have to be committed to your mental health and to allowing yourself to be vulnerable so that you can sort through your feelings and come to a place of peace. Tell yourself that your mental health professional is there to help you reach your goals. If you don’t trust the professional you are using, find someone else. You must be able to trust your therapist.

Tell your therapist about your trepidation. Ask this professional to help guide you into a calmer, more trusting space. The relationship that you develop with your therapist is key to your ability to recognize your issues and tackle them.

As you have pointed out, you are the most important person in this equation. You have to want it bad enough to have the courage to do the work to reveal your true self. Have patience as you keep showing up. By sticking to this course of therapy, you may be able to work through why you are experiencing this type of loneliness and how you can climb out of it. Good luck!

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Tattooed Woman Wants To Show Mom Her Ink

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | August 12th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been hiding my tattoos from my parents for years. They disapprove of tattoos in general and have somewhat traditional beliefs. I have two tattoos -- a large one on my upper arm that can be concealed under a T-shirt sleeve and a small one on my fingers. Recently my mother discovered my small tattoo and berated me only a little bit. The reveal went better than I thought it would, probably because the tattoo she saw is very small.

Do you think I should show my mom my bigger tattoo? It seems like my relationship with my mother is improving; it was somewhat strained in the past, and she has recently been more accepting of who I am. I am afraid that if I show her my bigger tattoo, I will lose our new connection. What do you think I should do? -- Tattoo Girl

DEAR TATTOO GIRL: I would continue to go slowly. Build your relationship with your mother, letting her get to know you as the person you are evolving into. Share ideas bit by bit with her so that she gets to know your values, your beliefs and your ideas. Tell her that you share some of the traditional beliefs that you were taught by your parents, but not all. Reinforce to her the values that you share, and point out where you differ. Let your mother know that you mean no disrespect when you take a different path than what she and your father have chosen.

When you feel that your mother is accepting of the fact that the two of you have some differing views but are able to love each other anyway, let her know that you want to share something with her. Do not spring it on her. Make her aware of the fact that you have a reveal, and then show her. Thank your mother for her support and love.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for August 12, 2019

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | August 12th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am currently in a short-term long-distance relationship, and my partner and I have noticed that it is harder to communicate as a result of this distance. We had been together long enough prior to our separation to understand that we both still love each other and believe that we can communicate well face to face, but we are having trouble with the long distance. Do you think there is anything that can be done to help us communicate better during the few months we will be away from each other? -- Temporary Distance

DEAR TEMPORARY DISTANCE: Talk about the big picture. Yes, it is challenging today, but you have a timetable. Create a calendar that you share that has as its North Star the date that you come back together. In between, assign dates for when you will talk to each other, see each other and otherwise communicate.

The good news is that technology can support your ability to be in close touch, even if you are unable to be in each other’s company. Talk about trust. Now is the time to fortify that trust and encourage each other to live your lives as you stay committed to your shared journey.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

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