DEAR HARRIETTE: I was working with my colleague the other day on a longtime project. We were chitchatting, and everything was fine until he attempted to say something complimentary, but it really was racist. I know he was trying to be nice to me. I also know that he cares a lot about me, but I feel like I should tell him that what he said was off. He told me that he thought that my skin color and that of another woman were so beautiful, just the right color of brown -- not too dark, not too light.

You may think I'm being too sensitive, but for a white man to comment on gradations of color and give me and this woman high marks for being lighter-skinned is all kinds of wrong. How can I address this without coming off as overly sensitive? I feel like he would appreciate me talking to him about it if I can figure out what to say. -- COLOR SENSITIVE

DEAR COLOR SENSITIVE: In order for us to tackle what are commonly called "microaggressions" around race, we have to find ways to speak openly about small incidents without becoming too heated. It sounds like your colleague truly was trying to say something nice to you. Unfortunately, he stepped into a hornet's nest when he attached a value to a shade of brown.

You can double back to him and say you want to discuss a sensitive matter. Remind him of what he said. Tell him it was fine to say he thought you and the other woman were attractive. What was off was to assign value to your skin tone, especially because you are lighter-skinned.

Historically, light-skinned black people in this country "emerged," so to speak, because of commingling between blacks and whites. In the earliest days of our country, that was often due to rape during slavery. Two distinct groups came to exist during those days. The darker-skinned people typically were given hard labor; the lighter-skinned people (often the children of slaveowners) were given in-house tasks. The division of favor for blacks was often made based on appearance and skin tone.

Obviously, that was generations ago, but there remains a certain unconscious privilege that is afforded to many lighter-skinned black people right now. Your colleague's pointing out your particular beauty based on your lighter tone opened up those wounds of historical discrimination. Educate him. I'm certain he did not mean to be insulting or tone deaf. Use this moment to give him context for your concerns.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My daughter wants me to buy her ice cream or other sweets every day in the summer. I remember when the ice cream truck used to come to my neighborhood when I was a kid. I get that this can be a treat, but I worry about allowing my daughter to consume so much sugar. She is already a bit overweight. I don't want to promote poor eating habits. How can I handle this without making her feel left out of what the other kids are doing? -- FEWER SWEETS

DEAR FEWER SWEETS: Stock your freezer with low-sugar, low-fat sweets that are healthier. Let her know the selection that she can choose from. Steer her away from the ice cream truck or shaved ice stand. Create boundaries around what is acceptable and help her to adhere to them.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a friend who tries to be helpful but ends up being whiny. When I tell her something that I’m working on, she immediately looks to figure out how she can be of help. That is generous of her. But the next thing you know, she is blowing up my phone wanting me to stop everything I’m doing to respond to her in that moment. I am busy and can’t always do that, plus her manner is really annoying. How can I change my attitude to be more open to my friend’s help? Or better yet, how can I get her to chill a bit as she is trying to help me? -- Overwhelmed

DEAR OVERWHELMED: It is wonderful that you have someone in your corner who wants to help you. Be sure to thank her whenever you speak so that she knows you are grateful. From there, tell her that as much as you appreciate her generosity, sometimes you cannot be as responsive as she would like because you are in the midst of handling something else. Suggest that during the times that she is actively helping you with something, you schedule specific times to talk.

Beyond that, don’t be so forthcoming about everything that is going on in your life. Talk to her about things that you think you would like her to respond to in her assertive manner. Otherwise, turn the tables and listen to her talk about her own life. When you are listening, you are revealing less about yourself and creating more space for peace.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a friend who does not view religion the same way I do. I'm accepting of people with different beliefs, but often my friend will openly disrespect my religion. He gets on a tear and starts picking at everything, including how much time I spend going to church and participating in activities beyond Sunday service. He criticizes the drama displayed during the service. (We have an active and lively congregation with jumping, music and lots of interaction.) I know this isn't right, but I wonder if I'm betraying myself and my beliefs by still communicating with him? Should I cut him off for his actions? -- Religious Challenges

DEAR RELIGIOUS CHALLENGES: Talk with your friend and let him know that you are offended by the way he talks about your religious views. Explain to him that you consider yourself to be an open-minded person. You are willing to accept people for who they are and what they believe, even if their beliefs differ from yours -- and you expect the same from him.

Point out specific instances when your friend has been rude or disrespectful about your religious views. Ask him to keep his opinions to himself. If he does not or cannot curb his negativity, then you can decide whether it is time to walk away.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I got a new job this year, and it has me traveling more than ever. I like it, but it is taking a toll on my husband. He is so dependent upon me, I don’t think he eats when I am away. I do my best to make food for him that he can warm up, but sometimes I just can’t do it. My schedule is full, and I find it challenging to do everything. My husband does know how to cook, but he doesn’t like to.

I don’t want my job to disrupt my marriage, but I do need him to chip in a bit. Before I took this job, he had been out of work for more than a year and we needed me to find something. I feel like he resents the fact that I got a job. I’m trying to do what’s right for my family. I need my husband to participate and stop making me feel bad for not being able to do everything. -- Stretched Too Thin

DEAR STRETCHED TOO THIN: It’s time for a family meeting. Check in with your husband to find out how he thinks he is managing since you took this job. Point out the obvious: You are on the road a lot, and you feel it is taking a toll on both of you. Tell him that you cannot do all of the things you used to do for the family and that you need his help. Don’t talk about him not having a job. Instead, paint a picture of today and what the needs are, and invite him to step up. At the same time, give yourself permission to stop trying to do everything. If you don’t cook for him every day, he will eventually remember to take care of himself.

DEAR HARRIETTE: When I hear about all of the cool things that some of my kids’ friends are doing for summer, I feel like I haven’t done enough for mine. When I was growing up, summer was a time for kids to play with their friends and chill until school. We didn’t go to camp for sports or academics.

These days, if your kids don’t sign up for some of these extracurricular activities, the assumption is that they are poor or that you don’t care about them. I care a lot. I think there is value in not having every second of their lives scheduled. They are doing well in school, and they seem happy -- until they compare themselves to some of the kids who are, in my opinion, oversubscribed.

How can I get my kids to believe that the way they spend their summer is adequate -- especially when I’m beginning to doubt it myself? -- Summertime

DEAR SUMMERTIME: It is dangerous to even try to keep up with the Joneses. There will always be someone out there who is doing more than you or something different than you. Resist the temptation to compare experiences.

At the same time, look around your city for free or affordable extracurricular activities designed for students. Most cities offer enrichment programs at the local museum or community center. Some colleges offer classes for younger students to get a taste of what’s to come. Utilize the library. Get your children to read and talk about the books they are reading. Many students have at least one required summer reading book. Expand the requirement to several over the summer.

You can engage your children to get them a bit more motivated. You can also remind them -- and yourself -- that some downtime in the summer is valuable as a respite before the school year starts up again.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)