DEAR HARRIETTE: During his first year of college, my son joined a fraternity. I am concerned that what he went through during his pledging process did not adhere to his and our religious ideals. I don’t want to control his religious identity, but he tells me he is still Muslim, and I expect him to live in accordance with our faith.
How do I ask if my child still believes in our religion, and what should I do if he doesn’t anymore? I would disagree with him but want to respect his choice. -- Religion in College
DEAR RELIGION IN COLLEGE: When your child gets to the point of college, your prayer should be that you have laid the groundwork for him to make smart decisions based on the values you have taught him and the decision-making tools you have given him. Will he make mistakes? Without question. Should you still have some measure of influence over him? Yes, but now it is limited. Your son needs to have space to make choices and live with them. I do not recommend that you query him about every single thing he does. Instead, I suggest that you continue to talk to him about values and ask him to consider how he can become part of his college community without losing those beliefs.
The pledging process for fraternities and sororities has many “secret” components. You may never learn all that he experienced, and honestly, that’s probably for the best. Beyond what has already occurred, focus on the future. Encourage your son to navigate his life keeping his religious beliefs in mind. Be aware that he will not be perfect in his efforts to grow into adulthood. If you think back on your own life, chances are, you made your share of mistakes, too.