life

Reader Questions Ghosting By Social Media Connection

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | June 29th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I've really connected and hit it off with a new friend I've been chatting with on social media. We have exchanged numbers and have been texting every day. The conversation flows smoothly. However, I've been noticing a pull back. He started to take several hours to respond to my messages and then suddenly completely stopped. I waited a couple of days before sending any more messages. I then sent a message asking if everything was going well, and I received no response. My initial feeling was hoping that nothing bad happened to him, but my gut tells me that something fishy is going on. What are reasons you could provide -- if any -- for a person to just cut off communication so abruptly. -- Cut Off

DEAR CUT OFF: My guess is that this person has a spouse or significant other and either got caught or woke up to his reality. Your best choice is to leave well enough alone. If he ever does come back, challenge him hard on his sudden absence. You deserve an answer, but stop waiting for one.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for June 29, 2019

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | June 29th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I must respond to the recent column regarding the writer who was concerned about the new laws restricting abortion in places like Alabama and Georgia.

Aside from incest and rape, should the control over one's body perhaps begin before one gets pregnant? Women write and speak on this subject as though pregnancy just happens, when in fact there are numerous birth control options out there -- not to mention abstinence.

Along those same lines, once a woman is pregnant, it is no longer just her body that is affected by a decision to abort. The writer pointed out, "time and time again, we have seen Christianity used to promote violence and hate." This is absolutely true, but I would protest that such violence is based on the evil desires of mankind, and in no way represents the doctrines of Jesus. Indeed, His heart must be broken by such travesties committed in His name.

That said, does the writer -- who claims to be Christian -- not recognize the violence involved in abortions? An unborn child is either torn limb from limb in the mother's womb or burned to death in the mother's womb -- the very place the child should be safest. Does this not also break Jesus' heart?

Lastly, how can it be illegal in this country to destroy the egg of an eagle since it is known that it will become a full-fledged eagle if allowed, but legal to destroy a child in the womb -- at 6 weeks gestation, obviously a human being in the making? -- Another View

DEAR ANOTHER VIEW: Thank you for voicing your opinion, which, I know, is shared by many. This is a challenging topic, to be sure. There are no easy answers. While I absolutely do value human life and believe in using birth control as well as the practice of abstinence, I understand that the world in which we live and the stressors upon women in the sexual and reproductive arenas are significant.

I am not going to enter into the religious argument. I will leave that for you and the thousands of others who share your view. I will never begrudge someone his or her religious principles. But I also believe in the division of church and state, and I do not believe the state should get involved in religious issues.

My perspective is about safety and fairness. It is about reproductive rights. Today, men are supported without question when they want Viagra and other such drugs to increase their virility. Women are increasingly denied control over their reproductive rights. There’s something wrong with this picture.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Mom's Drug Use Hurts Her Family

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | June 28th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My elderly mother is addicted to prescription drugs. It has been negatively affecting my mental health, and I have been taking out my frustrations on my kids. How do I stop this cycle of negativity between generations? What are some coping mechanisms I can use to deal with my mother’s drug use? -- Chain Mom

DEAR CHAIN MOM: Dealing with addiction in the family can be traumatizing. Sadly, one person’s addiction usually affects many family members. Take time each day to pay attention to yourself, especially in transition moments. Be with whatever is happening in your life. When you are dealing with your mother, be clear and compassionate. Get help from medical professionals whenever you can so that you don’t have to try to manage her care alone. Visit bit.ly/1XF0rw0 for more resources.

Before you turn to your children, take a moment to center yourself. Take a few deep breaths. A few minutes of meditation or gentle stretching may help you to release the tension you are holding and have space to be fully present for them.

When you find yourself lashing out at your children or anyone else, apologize as soon as you realize you are doing it. This is a tough time for you and your family. You may want to talk about what’s happening so that you don’t feel isolated as you negotiate what to do on a daily basis. Don’t dump on them, but do inform them of what is happening and why.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for June 28, 2019

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | June 28th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My family goes to the shore every weekend to stay in a family cabin that we have had for a few generations. It’s very quaint and nice, but small. My daughter asked one of her friends to join us this summer. My husband and I approved, but now we have learned that this girl is high maintenance, and she and my daughter recently had a falling out. They aren’t speaking. I imagine that this will blow over. That’s what often happens in friendships, but I worry that this is the wrong time for her to visit us in such close quarters. We go there for a peaceful time, not for contention. Is it wrong for me to suggest that my daughter not bring her this summer? So far, they have gone without speaking for a month. -- Choosing Peace

DEAR CHOOSING PEACE: If the silent treatment has lasted that long, it’s OK to make a new plan for the summer. Your daughter should get the message to the friend that, given how things are between them right now, she thinks it would be best for her not to come to the cabin this summer. The message must be clear.

If your daughter invites anyone else, it should be a friend with whom she has a close, comfortable bond. Better still, it would be great if the person is relatively chill. Be mindful of the energy mix for all the people who will be assembled.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Ball Boy Lacks Motivation To Try Out Again

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | June 27th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’ve been dealing with motivation issues at my summer job working as a ball boy at a tennis tournament. Recently, there has been a massive overhaul in the ball boy rules, and as a result, the tournament administration is requiring veterans to try out again. For some reason, I have no motivation to try out, and I am not sure if it is out of pure laziness, my fundamental disagreement with the administration, or if I no longer want to be a ball boy. Do you have any advice for how I can understand the reasoning behind my lack of motivation? -- Tennis Boy

DEAR TENNIS BOY: Sometimes when you are in the position of “veteran,” having been in a role for an extended period of time, it can be hard to accept that you, too, have to participate in change. Somehow you believe that you should be given a pass, since you already know the ropes. I get it.

But the reality is, you are not above the law of your job. You have to fall in line, whether or not you want to. To make it easier on yourself, recognize that you do believe you should be given a pass. That allows you to accept your personal view. Next, think about how important it is for your organization to make sure that everyone who fills this role should be capable. To ensure that and to exercise impartiality, the tournament wants everyone to pass the same test. You can embrace the new rules and become a leader on behalf of the tournament. As a veteran, tell the others that this new rule is a good thing, as it ensures safety and proficiency.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for June 27, 2019

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | June 27th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I was promoted and given a bonus at my job, and I’ve felt a strong sense of imposter syndrome that I cannot shake, making my new role difficult to handle. What do you suggest I do or think so I’m less self-persecutory, and this adjustment can proceed more quickly? -- Imposter Syndrome

DEAR IMPOSTER SYNDROME: I recommend that you focus on each task at hand. Instead of worrying, which takes you away from whatever you are charged with accomplishing, make a list of your duties. Identify the skills you have that will aid you in completing the tasks with expertise, and do the work. When your mind starts wandering to doubt, resist the temptation to succumb. Instead, refocus on what you have to get done.

Another suggestion is to anchor yourself in gratitude. Instead of worrying about whether you are qualified to handle a task, count your blessings. You were given this opportunity because someone believes in you and your potential. Be grateful for that faith and trust in you, and use it to propel you to do your best.

If nothing works, consider visiting a therapist who can help you work through those disempowering feelings and free you to leap into your greatness.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

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