life

Grandmother Chastised for Leaving Girls With Boyfriend

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | June 5th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My good friend allows a man she is dating to watch her two young granddaughters when she makes small store runs. I have met her boyfriend, and he seems like a nice and trustworthy guy. But the kids' mother has confronted my friend about leaving her babies with him, and I honestly cannot blame her. With everything that has been in the news lately about predators taking innocent children's lives, it is not the best idea to leave two girls alone with this man. My friend confided in me, confused and hurt about the mother's negativity in this situation, and I need a way to explain to her how crucial it is to be extra-cautious with her small granddaughters. -- Off-Limits

DEAR OFF-LIMITS: Your friend’s daughter has the right to put her children in the trust of specific people -- namely, your friend. She also has the right to ask your friend not to leave them with anyone else, including her boyfriend. While he may be perfectly safe, he also may not have the skills to care for small children or the willingness to watch them as needed. And, for pure safety purposes, it is understandable that their mother would not want her babies to be in the care of someone she hasn’t vetted.

The way your friend can handle this is simply to stop doing it. If she needs something from the store, she can ask her boyfriend to go get it. She may not need to say anything to her boyfriend about her daughter’s concerns. Instead, she can just be a responsible baby sitter of small children, meaning she never lets them out of her sight.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for June 05, 2019

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | June 5th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I was asked by a close friend to take on her college-age daughter for a summer internship. I often have interns, but this year I wasn’t planning on working with any young people. I want to take it a bit easy. It is true that whenever I have college interns, I get energized because they normally have good ideas, but this year I had planned to spend most of the summer with my own daughter, who will not be in camp for the first time in years. How can I help my friend’s daughter and be there for my own as well? I work freelance, so I don’t have to follow a precise schedule, but when you have an intern, it’s best to stick to a routine. -- Striking a Balance

DEAR STRIKING A BALANCE: You can do both! You just have to rally enough energy to get started. Design a limited workweek with your intern -- say 15 to 20 hours a week with a relatively defined schedule. Include your daughter in some of the activities. The two of them could work together on certain projects, which will allow you to spend time with your daughter and give her structured work to do in the summer.

On the off hours, plan special activities for just your daughter and you that will be memorable in years to come. Don’t just lie around at home or shop. Seek out interesting sites to visit and activities that you both will enjoy.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Mom Doesn't Want Kids Exposed to LGBTQ Portrayals

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | June 4th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: More and more television series are representing individuals in the LGBTQ community. I think it is great for them to be cast and portrayed in certain roles. However, I see the same happening in children's TV shows, and I wonder why it is necessary for kids to be exposed to sexual orientation at such young ages. The recent gay marriage on "Arthur" is a great example of this.

Being a mother of four, I believe children should be taught to love everyone without being exposed to things they are not ready to comprehend yet. When they see certain things on TV, it can influence and persuade them to make certain actions. For instance, my daughter was playing with two Barbie dolls the other day, and she made the dolls kiss each other. I just don't want them to be exposed to sensitive matter at an early age. -- Overexposed

DEAR OVEREXPOSED: I believe that there is way too much sexual activity and innuendo on TV in general. Subtle portrayals of intimacy have been replaced with overt intimate acts. In theory, I agree with you that no sexual behavior should be part of children’s television -- not because I am opposed to different sexual orientations, but because I think children should be able to enjoy themselves in nonsexualized environments. That said, on "Arthur," the issue was not sexual behavior, it was marriage. Like it or not, we live in a country that allows all people to marry.

While it is true that when people see different behaviors, they take in some information, psychologists agree that children will not become gay because they see that type of relationship -- including a same-sex marriage. The realities of coming into one’s own sexual identity are different and complex. Many people say they knew they were whatever their orientation from a very early age, even if it took time, courage and awareness to express it.

Regarding the two dolls kissing, that could have simply been your daughter playing with her dolls. It could mean more. Talk to her about it. That’s how you will learn where her head is.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for June 04, 2019

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | June 4th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I feel like such a failure. I thought I was paying attention to my son’s grades and school schedule, but I just saw his transcript, and he has been late many times and absent way too often. To my knowledge, he had not taken a sick day or stayed home. I work, so I’m not home all day, but I’m shocked by this. His absences are bringing down his grades. Plus, he was doing better at the beginning of the year compared to now. What can I do to help him? -- Student in Need

DEAR STUDENT IN NEED: It’s never too late to step in and try to figure things out. Start by talking to him. Do your best to be even-toned. If you scare him or threaten him, he may clam up. Ask him what’s going on and why he has been absent and late so often and what has caused his grades to slip. You want to find out if there are any emotional issues or relationship drama that he’s dealing with.

Contact his guidance counselor and ask for input that the school may have, and find out why you weren’t informed earlier. Plead with the school to partner with you in supporting your son. Find out if he can do any makeup work to improve his grades. Learn about summer programs that may support him. You should also look into counseling for him. Talking to a therapist about what’s going on may help him to address the underlying issues.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Expecting Parents Disagree About Circumcision

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | June 3rd, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am expecting my first child, and I just found out it is a boy. With all the excitement that came with this news, some concerns definitely popped up in my mind -- specifically about how he enters this world and whether or not I should have him circumcised.

My husband is all for the procedure, but after reading a few articles, I don't feel it is the right thing to do to a newborn. I don't want my baby to feel tremendous pain. I see no difference between male circumcision and female genital mutilation. Both acts hurt the individual and are taking away something they were born with. How can I convince my husband to see my side on why our baby should not have this done to him? -- To Cut or Not To Cut

DEAR TO CUT OR NOT TO CUT: This is an age-old question, sometimes rooted in religious doctrine. Jewish boys are circumcised in a ceremony called a bris, and Muslim families also perform this ritual in their faith. It is not medically required in most cases, and today, about 60% of boys in the United States are circumcised at birth, compared to 80% in the 1970s.

While I understand your concern about the procedure, please know that it is not the same as female genital mutilation, also known as female circumcision. That practice has no health benefits; it is painful and often dangerous, and it leaves women without feeling in their genitals. That is not true for male circumcision. Doctors say that the pain for infants is nominal and short-lived. Many doctors believe it is safer health-wise to circumcise boys, as it helps to keep their genitals clean, and it significantly reduces the risks of a number of sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV.

No matter what you choose, if you teach your son to keep himself clean, doctors say that an uncircumcised male can be as healthy as a circumcised one.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for June 03, 2019

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | June 3rd, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am no stranger to social media or the internet, and I often come across "trolls" or internet bullies. When I see people saying mean, negative or hateful words, it makes me feel like I should stand up to them rather than ignore them and let ignorance spread. With this in mind, I know there are appropriate and inappropriate ways to get points across. When I do stand up to haters, some people are receptive to new information, and others will say horrible things back just for the fun of it. How should individuals in this day and age handle situations like these without simply just ignoring them? -- Stop the Trolls

DEAR STOP THE TROLLS: Make your decision on a case-by-case basis. Sometimes the best thing you can do is ignore someone who is spouting negativities. What that person wants the most is attention. If you refuse to take the bait and ignore them, you may be sending a strong enough message. If you feel tempted to respond, you can always block them.

On occasion, if you see something that seems egregious, you can report the person to the social media company for their unacceptable commentary. Lastly, you can write back and tell the person that what he or she is saying is untrue.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

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