DEAR HARRIETTE: I grew up religious and went to church faithfully every Sunday with my grandmother. As I grew older, I noticed that religion can and has been used to justify bad behaviors toward others. This caused me to question what I had been taught -- especially as an African American. For instance, Christianity was used to justify slavery and the killing of nonwhite people. Many Christians perpetuate an image of Jesus with blue eyes, fair skin and long hair, but I struggle with worshipping an entity that is depicted as looking like the oppressor.

I know this is a tough subject, but I also think it takes strength to not blindly follow the things we were taught as kids. I don’t want to give up my religion completely, and I still feel a spiritual connection with God. How can I balance the knowledge I gain with the faith I am supposed to have? -- Spiritual Wanderer

DEAR SPIRITUAL WANDERER: Many religions have stories that include exploitation of certain groups of people in the name of faith. Is that wrong? Absolutely. But it is common. Given what you know about your faith, should you walk away from it? Only you can make that decision.

I would recommend that you look for a denomination or a particular church where you feel resonance. Look for a pastor whose message is empowering and honest in your eyes. Continue to do your research so that you can be aware and clear about your beliefs and how they mesh with your faith.

Know that there are images of Jesus other than one with long, blond hair and blue eyes. In Catholicism, there are saints who are dark-skinned as well. Keep searching for answers to your spiritual and historic questions. A book you may enjoy is "Jesus and the Disinherited" by a formidable African American religious scholar, Howard Thurman.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been dating a nice guy for a few months now. He is so sweet to me. He is also so different from the guy I dated for several years who was never consistently attentive. That said, this guy has limited life experience. He grew up poor and hasn’t been exposed to much. Whenever we go out, there’s something new that he doesn’t know. I mean small stuff, like how to eat a formal meal or what to wear when you have to get dressed up. I know these things shouldn't matter so much, but they do. How can I educate him about some basic things without hurting his feelings? -- Step It Up

DEAR STEP IT UP: First, you have to figure out if you value this man enough to want to share more of your world with him as you also learn about his. Don’t start coaching him unless you are in it for the long haul. If you are, be honest. Tell him you want to share some pointers with him that may be helpful as you negotiate your way in life together. Ask for his blessing to teach you. Then take it easy. Don’t inundate him with a list of his mistakes. Share the details about social graces with him over time.

Also, be sure to pay attention to what he teaches you. His lessons will likely be just as beneficial.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I used to work with a life coach a few years ago, and it was helpful. We stopped working together a while back, in part because I couldn’t afford to keep hiring her. She does not accept insurance, and the weekly payment was too much for me. Now that some time has passed, though, I miss working with her and getting her sound advice on things. I am thinking of contacting her again to find out if we can make an arrangement that is more manageable for me. Do you think it’s rude for me to ask for a price break or some other kind of deal? -- Discounted Coaching

DEAR DISCOUNTED COACHING: For starters, it’s great that you recognize the value of this woman’s services for your life and smart for you to try to figure out how to work with her again. Rather than asking for a discount, why not think outside the box? Do you offer any services that might be of value to her? Perhaps you can barter with her so that you both benefit. You might also ask her if you can work together once a month rather than once a week. That would keep the cost down. Let her know your thoughts. By offering a menu of options, you will be letting her know that you value her expertise and time, and you are watching your wallet.

DEAR HARRIETTE: One of my closest friends moved back to town recently, and we have been trying to get together, but our schedules are completely different. She is an early-morning person, and I am a night owl. I have missed a couple of planned meetings simply because I didn’t wake up in time. The time that she can meet in the afternoon is smack dab in the middle of my workday. Even though I work for myself, it is tough for me to be available at that time.

I really want to spend some time with my friend, but as I have been thinking about it, I realize that the only times that we try to get together are on her terms -- when it is convenient for her. I don’t think that’s fair. I love her and want to be able to use this valuable time that we are in the same city to be together a bit, but I need her to be more flexible. -- Work With Me

DEAR WORK WITH ME: Your friend may not realize that she has been calling the shots in your relationship. Perhaps that’s the way she has always been, or could it be that she is the more active one in terms of trying to organize get-togethers with you?

Whatever the reason, you don’t need to bring up what bothers you about your getting together. Instead, become proactive. Start inviting her to do things with you at times that are convenient for you. Talk to her about your schedule. Make it clear how much you want to see her and spend some time connecting. Look at your schedule, and offer a bunch of options for seeing each other. If you both hold that intention, you will get together eventually.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: Your advice to “Who’s Watching My Baby?” was certainly not "Sense and Sensitivity." This is exactly why there are so many problems with our next generation.

Any male can contribute to the creation of a human being. It takes a real man to be a parent. You should have advised that young mother that it is time for her boyfriend to learn how to “adult” and leave his Peter Pan years behind.

I’m incredibly disappointed that you would give that boyfriend a free pass and put all the burden of raising the young child on the mother and the grandmother. The message you sent was terrible, and you should retract it. As a member of our local school board, I can speak from experience -- these are exactly the situations that are creating the problems that local school districts, communities and law enforcement have to undo. They're problems created when adults don’t want to parent their own children. -- Take Responsibility

DEAR TAKE RESPONSIBILITY: Thank you for your letter and clear concern about how I addressed a sensitive matter. The question was about a young woman with a baby whose boyfriend is supposed to watch their child on occasion. When it is his turn, he typically gives the child to his mother, who watches the baby. The young mother was upset about this. My response suggested that it may be a blessing that the grandmother is stepping up and caring for the child.

You make an important point here: The young man does need to learn how to care for his child. My intention was not to give him a pass. It was to make sure that the baby is properly cared for. I remember that as responsible as my husband attempted to be in the early days, I was sometimes legitimately worried that he was not as safe as I thought the moment called for. Quite frankly, when my daughter was an infant, I was worried to leave them alone together. I definitely needed help -- including from him -- but it took time before I felt that he was capable of handling her on his own. It was from that perspective that I considered that Grandma watching this baby could be a blessing.

What I didn’t take into account in response to this young woman was that the man does need to figure it out. I recommend that the learning curve would best occur if the couple is together and the new mom can teach him what she wants him to learn about caring for their child. If that is at all possible, it may lead to a healthier engagement on his part and relief on hers -- over time.

Even if they are not together as a couple, given that they both created this child, hopefully he will agree to be an active participant and learn how to care for the baby. If the two can spend some time together each week, he will grow confident enough to watch his child successfully. The new mom can also talk to his mother to ask her to help her son to participate in child care when the baby is there.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)