life

Reader Needs Help Getting Organized

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | March 1st, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am extremely disorganized, and it’s catching up with me. I just scheduled three meetings that overlap each other. I can’t believe I did that, but it’s true. They are all personal, after-work meetings, but still. My friends feel like I don’t care about them. My work is crazy busy, and I am so tired that I have been forgetful about keeping a good schedule. What should I say to my friends, and how can I get better organized? -- Too Much to Handle

DEAR TOO MUCH TO HANDLE: I keep a calendar and daily schedule that includes everything that is important to me, including personal responsibilities. When I am at the top of my game, I make my list the night before. I plan out my day, and often my week, so that I know how I will order my steps upon waking. I include such list items as "meditate," "drink water," "go to the gym," "call Mama," and all of my work items. I also do my best to record meetings the moment I make them. Even if the meeting starts out as tentative, I write it down with a question mark. That holds the space and alerts me to pay attention before I fill it with something else.

If and when you slip up, which is possible for even the most organized person, apologize immediately. Just know that apologies work best when behavior changes. If you keep doing the same thing that inconveniences other people, your apologies will begin to ring hollow.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for March 01, 2019

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | March 1st, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: Now that my son is a teenager, I have given him a few more privileges. We live in a city with a good public transportation system, and I let him go about on his own after school with his friends. He does have a curfew. Plus, I require him to keep his phone on with a GPS tracking system so that we can see each other’s whereabouts. He hates this, but it is my insurance policy for a teenager so that I have a sense of where he is. Sometimes he turns it off, and I have threatened to ground him if he does that again. Do you think that grounding is too harsh? I realize that sometimes the GPS system glitches, even if we both have it on. How can I keep him accountable? -- Teens on the Loose

DEAR TEEN ON THE LOOSE: Your job as a parent is to teach your child how to be responsible when you are not around. This is beginning now. The GPS is a good backup plan, but what you really need is for your son to be in communication with you as he is moving about town. Make a system where he texts you when he gets to his destination. You can also require him to send you a photo of him and his friends when he arrives. He may hate that, but he will hate it more if he has to stay at home.

Regarding rescinding privileges, if he really is dodging you, ground him. He will quickly learn that being responsive and honest is way more effective than being sneaky and lying.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Lack of Libido Puts Strain on Marriage

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | February 28th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I seem to have no libido whatsoever. My husband is mad at me because I have not been interested in sex for years now. He is a good man who hasn’t strayed (yet), but I feel bad because it’s not fair to him. How can I get interest back?

When it first started, we were having serious marital problems, and I didn’t want to be bothered. Now I can’t put my finger on it. I just have no sexual feelings at all. How can I get them back? -- No Libido

DEAR NO LIBIDO: Start by going to your doctor for a checkup. Explain your situation. Ask if there is any medical reason why you have lost interest in sex. Ask if there is anything the doctor can recommend to help you get your desire back. There may be nutritional supplements that you can take to support you.

You may also want to go to a therapist. Especially since this dry spell began due to friction in your marriage, you may have some unresolved issues that you need to address. A psychologist may be able to help you sort through your experiences and feelings to get to the other side. Consider going to a sex therapist -- someone who specializes in helping people to unlock their issues to help them find their way to a healthy sexual life.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for February 28, 2019

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | February 28th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I just received a Facebook message from a guy who used to date my sister back when we were in grade school. We are now in our 50s. This guy wrote to me to say he wants to be in touch with my sister, but he can’t find her on social media. He asked me to help.

I spoke to my sister, and she is completely not interested. She said they haven’t talked for like 40 years, and she has no desire to speak to him now. What do I say to the guy? He has been blowing up my Facebook messenger. I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but my sister said no. -- No Rekindling

DEAR NO REKINDLING: As difficult as it may seem, you will have to tell this man that you've passed along his request, and your sister will reach out to him if she decides to do so. You can tell him that she is busy and preoccupied, so you can’t guarantee anything. Do not lead this man into believing that your sister may contact him in the future. You can tell him that your sister does not use social media and generally she has a small network of people in her personal sphere. Perhaps this will help him to not take it personally if she never picks up the phone. Know that this is not your problem. You do not have to hold this man’s hand through the experience. You will have done your job after you spell it out for him once.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Mom Needs Support System While Child Is on Work Trip

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | February 27th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am scheduled to travel for work for about a week. I travel for my job, but I have tried to scale back now that my mother is older and has some health issues. This upcoming trip is mandatory. I want to set up a support system for my mother while I am away, but I don’t have any family in my hometown. Do you think it would be all right to speak to a couple of family friends to keep an eye on her? Should I hire someone? -- Help for Mom

DEAR HELP FOR MOM: Evaluate how stable your mother’s health is. That will let you know if you should have medical support on hand, or if friends will be enough. Think about who in your network your mother would trust and who is capable of helping her in ways that will make a difference. Once you identify a couple of people, call them and check in to see if they are willing to help you out. You want to make sure that whoever you choose will be responsible and responsive.

If you cannot find the support you need, see if your mother’s insurance will pay for a visiting nurse service. If not, find out what it will cost for you to arrange for support. You can ask your mother’s doctor or at a local hospital or health center, and you can call her insurance company for referrals.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for February 27, 2019

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | February 27th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have two friends who want to get married, but both of them are unemployed. They are good, smart people who find themselves struggling like crazy. I feel so bad for them. I know they are trying to get it together, but something always seems to stand in their way. A few friends have been talking about throwing them a wedding party -- something small but nice. Do you think that’s a good idea? We don’t want to interfere with their life together, but they have been talking about marriage for so long, we want to help them make it happen. -- Planning a Wedding

DEAR PLANNING A WEDDING: Your idea is lovely, but it may not be the right idea at this moment. If your friends are struggling for basic needs, a party may not be the best way for them to spend their time or your money.

I recommend that you run the idea by them. Tell them what you have in mind, and ask them if they welcome it. They may want to focus on stabilizing their lives before formally tying the knot. Or they may want to go for it. Take their temperature to see what makes sense for them. Then, honor their desire.

For example, they might appreciate whatever money you were going to spend on a party to help them pay rent or buy food. Or they may be so happy that friends want to help them cross the threshold to marriage that they decide to embrace your idea. Ask them and pay attention so that you are clear about their wishes.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

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