DEAR HARRIETTE: I never thought this would happen to me: I am a 35-year-old married woman who is having a full-blown affair. When we got married two years ago, we were compatible and had similar interests. I was not in love with him, but we had been dating for four years, and most of my friends were getting married. So when he proposed, it seemed like the right thing to do. Immediately after the wedding, we began to fight. He goes out drinking just about every night, and I hate it. I have suggested counseling, but he won't go. We haven't been intimate in six months.

Several weeks ago, I became friendly with a man at work. My co-worker paid a lot of attention to me and built up my battered self-esteem. It didn't take long for me to start seeing him on the side. This new guy is 40 and has never been married. He says he can make me happy and feel fulfilled, and I know he is right. He has asked me to leave my husband and marry him. I love him (my co-worker), but I hesitate to throw away the history I have with my husband. Also, I don't want to admit to my parents that my marriage is a failure. What should I do? -- Torn and Trapped, Jackson, Mississippi

DEAR TORN AND TRAPPED: Deal with first things first. Stop dating your co-worker for now. If you feel there is a possibility of a life with him, ask him to wait until you handle your affairs at home. Then ask your husband for a divorce. Hire an attorney and draw up the papers. Take the time to go through the legal process and to explain to your husband that you no longer have faith in the marriage. Stay focused on uncoupling from your husband. When that is settled, you will discover if the other man remains an option. But don’t get the two confused. You don’t know what’s next until you make space for it.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Our son and his wife have separated after four months of marriage; they will be divorcing shortly. They want to know what to do about the wedding gifts. Should gifts be returned when the marriage does not last six months? Many friends have said their gifts should be kept and that my son and his wife should divide them. Gifts of money were spent already on the honeymoon and on furnishing the house. -- 120-Day Marriage Gifts, Houston

DEAR 120-DAY MARRIAGE GIFTS: The going wisdom in 2018 is that you do not have to return the gifts. It is likely that the couple has used many of the gift items already. And clearly their thoughts are not on the fruits of the wedding but on whatever happened that has split them up so quickly. For now, they should focus on handling their business.

If there is any chance of reconciliation, they may want to seek professional counseling to figure that out. If divorce truly is imminent, they should handle that first. If they are inclined, it might be good to send a note to all of the guests informing them that, sadly, their marriage has ended. The note can ask for discretion and privacy during this period of transition as it also thanks guests for their love and support. This may help with the inevitable “How is married life?” questions that will pepper all conversations for months to come unless people know otherwise.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: A woman I knew professionally and have been peripherally connected to over the years died suddenly. She leaves behind several children and plenty of friends. I feel horrible about it. Though we were not close, I am sad. Part of this may be the shock of a woman under 50 dying of unknown causes. It definitely makes me question my own life expectancy. But also, I realize how I “know” more people through social media than through actually being in touch. I don’t know that this woman would have ever been my actual friend, but I do think that I rely on the internet and texting more than I should. I have plenty of true friends whose voices I haven’t heard for years. We stay connected electronically. -- Something's Wrong With This Picture, Atlanta

DEAR SOMETHING’S WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE: Death, even that of someone you don’t know well (or at all), can trigger all kinds of emotions. The permanence of loss can hit hard. Death has a way of inspiring people to think about their own lives and to assess if they are making the wisest choices.

In the case of this woman’s untimely passing, clearly it has affected you deeply. I recommend sitting with the thoughts that have come up for you and considering how you might adjust your ways of communicating with others moving forward to make for more meaningful engagement. Schedule appointments to be face-to-face with people you care about. Go on social media fasts, where you avoid all virtual engagement. Choose to see someone you care about in person at least once a month. These measures and more can help you to become more immediately connected to people themselves, not their avatars or social media handles.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My father died a few years ago on Christmas Day. We had just enjoyed a lovely family breakfast, and he passed away in his easy chair. I loved my father so much, and I miss him every day. It is hard for me to enjoy the holidays as much these days because they always remind me of my loss. How can I cultivate a better attitude? My dad lived to be 90 years old. He had a great life, but my grief remains. -- Grief During Christmas, Larchmont, New York

DEAR GRIEF DURING CHRISTMAS: Grief can take many years to pass through survivors. It is natural for you to remember your father at Christmas and to have mixed feelings about the season. One way to boost your spirits could be to do something my mother taught me: Count your blessings. In this case, you can focus your recollection of blessings on your relationship with your father and on his full life. Recount out loud and write down the type of man he was, what he meant to you, what dreams he fulfilled, how he found joy, all of the good things you can remember, etc. This will sweeten your memories of him and help to ease the pain. Feel free to talk about your father with loved ones. Yes, he is physically gone, but you should ensure that his memory lives on in your family.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: One of my recently separated friends enjoys hosting get-togethers at his place. They end up being more like singles mixers, which is pretty cool. I invited one of my girlfriends to introduce her to one of his friends. She’s looking to settle down, and so is he. These two have a lot in common, so I thought they would be a great couple. I introduced them, and the guy was wowed. She, on the other hand, said nothing other than that he was a nice guy. She didn’t seem interested, so I left it alone.

A few months later, my friend came to me and said, “What’s up with your homeboy?” I had no idea what she was talking about. She explained that she had taken an interest in my friend, the party host. That wasn’t the plan; he’s always been too into the ladies, which is probably why he’s heading toward a divorce.

Now my friend is coming to me asking about him. Not only is she asking questions about him, she is also badmouthing him at the same time. I find it hard to trust her; apparently she was sneaking around with him. The fact that she is now trying to attack his character is pretty horrible. We’ve never been close, so I’m wondering if it is worth it to keep a friend like this. -- Not My Friend, Riverdale, New York

DEAR NOT MY FRIEND: Don’t automatically dump this woman as your friend. Instead, check her on her behavior. Tell her that you never intended to connect her and the party host because you don’t consider him dating material -- at least not right now. But point out that he is your friend. Ask your girlfriend to resist the temptation to talk badly about him, at least to you. He is your friend, and you accept him for who he is, flaws and all. If she can’t handle his behavior, suggest that she stop trying to date him.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My brother and I have never been close. I’ve worried that after our mother dies, he may leave my life completely. When we do talk, he is often rude or caustic.

Recently, he has been really nice and complimentary. He has been consistent with this new-found kindness. Should I trust it? I usually keep our conversations brief, but if he is now going to be friendly, I am willing to try to connect better with him. -- Should I Trust Him?, Dallas

DEAR SHOULD I TRUST HIM?: What do you have to lose? Go for it. Encourage your brother’s active participation in your family. Match his kind words and gestures with your own. Whatever has occurred to inspire him to be family-focused is great. Build on that. No need to ask why, either. Just be in the moment and enjoy your brother’s presence. Be grateful for this turn of events that creates space for meaningful connection among family members at this stage in your lives.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)